The Hollow

Swan left me when we arrived at the end of the hallway. He opened the door to the cell, and walked away. The cell was just like the others in the passage, although most of those were empty. There was nothing in them but rocks, and a certain suspense lurking behind the ancient metal bars. And also a bashful blue reminiscence creeping in from an unattended slit in the cavern. Probably a reflection of the lake above, somehow. The only difference between this cell and the rest was a chair in the middle of the room, facing the prisoner who sat on a boulder, resting his back on the wall. His head hung with the numbness of defeat. He lifted his head into the timid blue beam only after I’d sat on the chair. It took me a second to recall him. Him.

The boy I once could’ve loved.



Janusz crossed the yard with the white box in his hand. He only had to say a couple of clichéd lines, and hand her the gift, yet he knew he would stutter in the end. First time he’d given anyone anything, and without a conceivable reason too. They’d only worked together on an art project, and he’d found out her birthday as small talk. But it still seemed right, once again, for the first time.

She was surrounded by her usual choir of friends. He’d feared that, but he wasn’t going to back out this time. He repeated that in his head time after time, yet when the time came, he was frightened, even after her friends bowed out of scene. He was so rushed he stuck out his hand, offering the present before even speaking. He realized this too late, and was forced to break the awkwardness.

- Hi, umm…
She looked confused, even a bit flushed.
- Well, happy birthday.
- Jan…- she finally took the box from him. Her hand shook – Thank you, really…
- It’s nothing, just… I hope you like it.

It was a silver bracelet with a tiny emerald heart. Not the kind of ornament she’d wear normally, but beautiful nonetheless. It was her turn to stutter. For some reason she kept on trying to hold back the irrepressible smile that creased her lips.

- God. You shouldn’t…
He shrugged, and smiled.
- It felt right, M.

Then he kissed her cheek swiftly and went away like melting hail. Even with his sparse and confusing words, he felt as if he’d made progress. Maybe something good could grow out of life after all. There was a crack in the hoarfrost that had always covered his skin, and fresh air was coming in. His breath was calm and cheerful, his walk paisley and proud. One thousand singing sparrows bloated his head as he walked his way into the forest.



She wore the bracelet even then, eight months after Janusz’s passing. Long story short, the thread had always been too slender, and one day it faltered. He paid for a rental car and drove off a cliff on the first snowfall of November.

His eyes were different. Somewhere between the weary gleam of his old self and the emptiness of the people in the chamber. He was also whiter, much whiter. He’d been one of those people who can’t be in the sun for too long; at risk of turning red, but this was a different white. His veins stood out, like frozen rivers on a Siberian plateau. He wore the same black robes as everyone else in the cave.

- Jan.
He stared engrossed at the bracelet.
- I thought, everybody thought you were…
- No, not yet.

They glanced, carving sculptures into each other’s eyes. Opening the wounds of the memory. Once again.

- Not dead. Only Hollow.



Somewhere inside October the air became a thin veil. The day it all happened, a gray mist sprayed the moor like a hazy sheet. She walked through the trees feeling the dew on her uncovered neck. As hard as she tried to make that the only thing on her mind, everything kept springing back. Tears came and went, every few minutes, at their own will. After everything she’d done, after two years of nurturing a friendship, for Marcus to dismiss her like that was beyond a romantic slip. It scratched the border of betrayal. For Janusz it had been another cold day of walking alone in the halls without a place that called for him, until he came home and found a girl he cherished on the desolate passage of birch trees that led to the suburbs.

- Mia, hi.
Her response was a merciless gaze. Her spite crawled up his spine.
- Something wrong?
She growled, looking a t the ground all through.
- Weren’t you supposed to be with Marcus for the Science… thing?
- Just leave me alone – she scoffed.
- Sorry.
She kept quiet.
- Can I walk you home?
- Leave me alone! – she shouted into his face.

His eyes were wide open plates for a second, and then he turned and left into the mist, gasping in his confusion. It wasn’t until she got home that she realized. The spark in his glance when he saw her, the shivering in his voice, like if his words were knitted with a golden strand. It was a field, a fertile field where love could’ve grown one day. She remembered his hurt semblance as he blurred himself into the woods. She was no better than Marcus. For the next weeks she looked for him, with an unfelt yearning to apologize. Even to hold him. But she never saw him. No one heard of him, and it was safe to say most people didn’t care; he’d always been an echelon above a ghost, after all. It was like he’d hidden away from this dimension, inside a locket of smoke. Then, one evening, while the silence in her bedroom contrasted with the racket of the pelting rain outside, she went to the window and found him, but he was out of reach. Janusz stood in an alleyway on the other sidewalk, a couple of houses down. He had no umbrella, not even a raincoat. The helpless wool sweater he wore perished slowly, drenched and heavy. He looked equally tired, and beaten. She screamed out of the window as hard as she could, only to find out the futility of two lungs when put against nature’s slightest effort. She wondered if she’d step out and meet him, but the rain was raging, and she succumbed to fear. Then he was gone, without leaving a single trace in the soaked ground.

November came afterwards.



- I’m sorry. So much – a couple of her tears threatened with falling out.
- For?
- The forest. I didn’t mean it…
- Don’t bother, I don’t remember.
- No? – she asked skeptically.
- No. I’m Hollow.
She waited.
- I trust you’ve seen them. We, who do ourselves in, we don´t die. But we don’t get to live either. We wander.
- But you still know me.
- Yes. I don’t know why though. You’re the last memory.
She touched the bracelet, feeling the emerald with her fingertips.
- Did I give you that?
- Yes.
- Glad you liked it.
- I love it.

She remembered Swan’s last words to her. There’s something you ought to see, he said. She’d a certain longing to see him again, even if for a minute. Even after the guilt had gone, the hidden desire remained. But still, it was an impossible wish into the air, something weak and unachievable, like trapping a fairy in a glass jar. It was not something she needed. It hurt too much. Something didn’t fit. She felt he already knew what she was about to ask.

- Why?
- I felt a terrible thing.
- What?
- Your sister. You have to stop her.
- She’s fine.
- No. She’s been thinking… this.
Mia sat still, holding the chair with both hands.
- Keep her warm.
- But she’s always been fine…
- That’s what hurts the most. When no one sees beyond your smiles.
- I don’t understand.
- Which part?
- Why?
- I don’t recall why I did it, if that’s what you’re asking. I’m being emptied out like a kettle. But from what I can gather, I guess I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned the hard way that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next. You have to hold on to what you have, because when you lose it, it might be even worse than you imagine. Make sure she knows that.
- You’re still poetic, aren’t you? – she was crying.
- It will go away. I’ll forget even how to talk someday. Then I’ll be put in the cave.
- How long?
- I don’t think anyone knows that.
- Can’t you leave?
- When I’m freed, I’d have forgotten every reason to.

She had known a tired person, one who was accustomed to taking punishment, and had developed a reptile cuirass. He spoke with his head down, and when he did look you in the eye, it was almost as if he was apologizing for doing so. Very few people had tried to dig into his core, and most of them had hurt him afterward, but Mia didn’t even have to try. It was as if she was born already incrusted in his blood, and the universe was waiting for her to meet him. All in all, she’d met a sad person, but that wasn’t even close to the ruins in front of her now. His hair sprawled across his face, letting only half of it visible. The cheekbone was much more protuberant than before, as were the neck muscles. And the insides were worse. She’d known hope in him. A meek one, but it was there. Like a caterpillar sleeping in its pod. Now, all the dreams were gone. He was a prisoner. A blind man growing used to the darkness.

She stood from the chair and walked to him. She hugged him, tightly, almost with rage. She sobbed, sorrowful, but her tears had seemed to dry out. His arms wouldn’t surround her, that’s when she saw his wrists were shackled to the wall with small chains. He looked into the horizon, which didn’t exist, and sipped this feeling in. He knew he wouldn’t have it again. When it was over, the silence returned to her mind, though her head was throbbing. She moved away from him, resting her hands on his chest for a second. It has hard, unbreathing.

- Thank you.
He kept quiet.
- You were amazing. You are. Don’t forget that.
- I’ll try.

Beneath the curtain of shadows, she was sure his green eyes smiled. Then she remembered her sister. She kissed his crouched forehead and turned around, hurried, her footsteps echoing as she went. She wondered if she’d have to call Swan, but the gate was already open.

Janusz was at peace.