Listen

Connor was on my mind for the rest of the school day. I had never had a moment in life where my mind felt so scattered. I couldn’t concentrate at all. Every second I could only think of him. What is going on with me? I feel sick to my stomach. It feels as though something is trying to make its way up through my throat. I feel like I have the flu, I feel like I’m extremely ill, what is this that I’m feeling?

Is this what people call… a crush?

I had thought I was incapable of having a ‘crush’. I thought I was incapable of having any sort of feeling like that.

What is it about that boy that is so intriguing? Is it simply that human need to feel needed? That would make sense, this boy came to me. It would make sense to think that I would want this boy to want me.

But somehow it does not seem like that is the case. There is something about his eyes. They seem deep, almost like they could go on for miles. I know that his speech is modern and slow like most young people, but he seems intelligent. Maybe he just doesn’t know it.

But why him?

I contemplated my question while walking into my bedroom. Cherry was on her bed doing homework. I thought about whether or not I should bother her with my questions. She’s only eleven; I am not sure whether it would even be appropriate to ask her of her opinion on this boy.

I walked over to her bed to see her math homework she was so desperately working on. “The answer is 44.” I told her. She looked up at me incredulously. “The answer to #6. It is 44.” I told her.

“I’ve been working on this problem for 10 minutes. How did you get that answer so fast?” Cherry asked me. I took a pencil from her pencil pouch and wrote out the steps to finding the answer. “Hey, do you want to do the rest of it for me too?” She asked. I chuckled.

“I think the point of teachers issuing homework is so that you may take in better what you learned. I do not much think that is possible if you do not do it.” I pointed out to her. She shrugged. “Cherry, may I ask you a question?”

“I don’t really see why not.” She chuckled. I sat down on the bed next to her. “Cherry, have you ever heard of a boy named Connor Blackship?” I asked her.

“Um, I heard that he’s not such a great guy. I don’t know, he’s an eighth grader. I’m a sixth grader, and I don’t really know any of the eighth graders.” She informed me. “Why do you care what I’ve heard? I mean, you’re the eighth grader, you must have heard something.” She pointed out to me.

“He talked to me today. It is the first time that anyone has spoken to me from our school in a long time, a very long time. I never thought that I was lonely, but maybe I was. I only know that it was great to hear another person’s voice that wasn’t from their head, I can’t think of what his motive for speaking to me was, but I’m glad he did.”

“Maybe you like him.” Cherry suggested.

“I don’t even know him, Cherry. How would I know if I like him or not? I can’t even tell if he really is what people say he is, or if he is maybe just the victim of talk.”

“No, I mean like him. Is he cute?”

I had forgotten about Cherry’s naïve thoughts, I had forgotten that, at eleven, her childlike mind doesn’t fully comprehend my questions. She asks if Connor is cute, though he may be handsome that isn’t why my mind strays towards him.

It is much more than that. He is intelligent, for a young boy. He is emotionally…. intense. So much that my mind can pick up on his emotions, it intrigues me… but what does that mean?

“Cherry, it’s not his looks that draw me towards him. It’s his extreme vehemence… it’s his overly exaggerated state of being. It is as if he is a magnet and I am steel, my mind draws true towards him, and I cannot control it.” I explained to her. Her abysmal blue eyes were stolid against her porcelain skin. I let out a breath, Cherry’s rudimentary mind could not grasp my words, there was no need to use my aptitude, which was defective with Cherry; I knew her thoughts. “Don’t worry about it, Cherry. I am sure that I will be able to read these feelings at a later time, I don’t mean to worry you.”

“Are you sure?” Cherry questioned, her bottomless eyes peering at me.

“Yes, dear, I am.”

That was the end of our conversation, I left the subject at that. I wished to be able to tell Cherry I was finished with my minds liaison with Connor Blackship. But I do not feel that is an accurate statement in any form.

In truth, I spent my night thinking of Connor. What would it feel like to have his fingers stroke my cheek? Did I wish them to? Did I even wish to speak to this boy again? I could not begin to fathom these occurrences in my mind. I was angry at this boy, I was intrigued by him, and I never wanted to hear from him again, yet I knew I wanted to speak to him once more tomorrow.