Story of a Girl

There is a girl.

Girl is average, naïve, shy. Girl is diabetic. Girl has friends, but none understand her struggles. Girl has sisters, but they can’t empathize, they won’t even acknowledge her strife. Doctors, medicine, numbers, and hospitals rule her life, but she smiles and bears it all in silence. What other choice is there?

But girl is human, and girl can’t keep bearing it alone. Girl becomes depressed, girl becomes desperate. Suicide becomes a very pretty word. Girl realizes how to not be diabetic: stop living. Girl shuts down, starts to withdraw from everyone, everything. Girl’s friends say nothing, notice nothing.

Christmas break; girl gets time away from people to clear her head. Girl comes to decision that suicide is cheating; she should at least give someone a chance to save her. School starts again, girl is different, but nothing else is. Friends continue in ignorance while girl slips deeper into depression. Girl can’t do this; girl picks up a knife. Girl becomes a cutter.

But girl backs away from suicide when she embraces the cutting. Girl isn’t happy, but she’s un-sad. Until girl’s friends see the cuts. Girl panics, but then friends do nothing. Friends continue to ignore. Girl is breaking.

Girl’s friends don’t care enough to stop her from hurting herself; do they care at all? Did they ever? Now it’s a game of chicken. Girl cuts more and more, waiting until either she gives up on ‘friends’ or it gets so bad that ‘friends’ finally stop her.

Friends sit back in silence. Girl can’t wait, she goes to best friend. Girl says she’s scared, that she’s headed towards suicide and she needs her best friend. Best friend brushes her off, does nothing. This breaks girl.

Suicide is a beautiful word, an attractive concept. Death is scary, but life seems overrated. What’s so good about being alone, worthless, forgotten, and insignificant? Girl brings back old plan.

Week before girl turns 16, plan is finalized. She likes the irony of dying on her birthday. Decision is made, and she feels free. Her patience is gone, and she stops waiting for her ‘friends’ to save her; she’s accepted that they won’t.

Girl lets plan be known amongst her ‘friends’, and waits. Despite decision, girl holds on to naïve belief that maybe someone, anyone will prove her assumption wrong. Maybe she will be worth saving.

Days go by, nothing. Two days left now; girl has lost hope.

But a friend pulled through. A single, solitary person cared enough to save a life.

It only takes one person.

Girl is alive, plan destroyed. But girl is destroyed by the process. Girl is alive, but not living. Girl struggles to recover. Girl has lost all her friends. She won’t go back to friends who stood by to watch her kill herself, but surviving alone is nearly impossible.

Summer passes, everyone else lets ‘incident’ go. A few will be friends with girl again as long as she apologizes. Girl is too weak not to, she can’t afford to have them all against her. But ‘friends’ are cruel. They don’t have patience for sad girl who doesn’t want to be alive. They make sure she knows this. School is hell, with friends tearing her down every chance they get. People are ruthless. Girl is not going to last much longer.

Enter boy. He does not know about ‘incident’, he does not know girl’s ‘friends’, he goes to a different school, and he just knows girl. Boy has known girl forever, they go to same church.

Girl’s friends saw her cut herself, they got mad and shut her out. They refuse to talk to her. Girl wishes she had died when she had the chance. Parents make girl go to church, instead of lying in bed all day being sad.

Boy sees girl, notices girl is not okay. Boy is nice, boy wants to help. Boy and girl talk; boy wants to help girl. Boy and girl grow close, best friends. Boy is only friend girl has who girl trusts not to try and hurt her.

Girl’s ‘friends’ are cruel to her, but she can survive, because she has boy to keep her safe. Girl tells boy everything, girl doesn’t keep secrets from her best friend. They are extremely close, so naturally, they fight.

Boy wants girl to quit cutting, but it’s become a crutch for her, a coping method, how she gets by. Girl is addicted; she is trying to stop, but she can’t. This frustrates boy, but unlike ‘friends’ he won’t hold it against her. Boy will yell, and get mad at girl, but out of concern, not cruelty. Boy cares about girl, and it helps. Boy actually cares enough about girl to still get mad every time she hurts herself, even though she does it a lot. Boy won’t just let it go, he pushes girl. Boy won’t let girl keep her problems quiet, he makes her open up, makes her be honest. Boy opens girl up to life again, he helps her learn to live.

Boy is perfect best friend for girl, but boy is not perfect. Boy drinks a lot, boy smokes pot a lot, and girl does not approve. She does not condemn him for it, but she wishes he would stop, or at least not be drunk or stoned when he’s with girl. They spend lots of time together, but boy is not always sober. Boy also has problem with his girlfriends. They don’t like girl. Boy goes through girls quickly, and cheats on every one, but never with girl. Boy and girl are just friends, but Boy’s girlfriend always gets jealous of how close best friends are. But Boy always chooses girl over girlfriend, because boy can easily find a new girlfriend quickly.

But then it’s winter, and boy and girl are hanging out as usual, but boy is stoned. Girl is not happy with boy for being stoned when they are supposed to hang out, but girl can’t stay mad at boy. Until boy kisses girl. They are friends, best friends, and best friends do not kiss.

Girl freaks; boy has a girlfriend. Girl avoids boy after that, but boy finally makes girl talk to him. Boy apologizes, admits he’s got a thing for girl, but they agree not to risk friendship. Boy takes girl to party to hang out and make for their time of awkwardness.

At party things changed. Random guy starts talking to girl, and boy gets very jealous. Boy is drunk, and boy is dumb. Boy starts fight with random guy. So boy’s girlfriend of the time dumps him, but boy and girl end up trying to date. They like each other, and boy doesn’t like the idea of girl being with other guys.

Girl is nervous, because boy always cheats on girlfriends, but boy promises that girl is different, and he won’t hurt girl like that.

For a while, things are perfect. Girl is happy with boy, and girl stops caring about mean ‘friends’ at school. Girl finally leaves cutting behind, she can get by without her knife. Girl is safe with boy, and happy, but girl knows that she needs boy in her life to keep her stable. Girl cannot afford to lose boy, no matter what.

Then boy starts to get comfortable with relationship, and boy starts to cheat. Girl knows this, but by now she loves boy, and knows that she can’t lose him. Boy is girl’s best friend, and girl’s only real friend she trusts. Without boy, who does girl really have to count on?

Girl is crushed though, and turns to cutting to cope with boy cheating. But boy gets mad at this, and boy gets violent. Boy starts cycle of hurting girl whenever she makes boy mad. Girl knows this is not okay, that boy should not hit girl, but heart does not agree with head. Girl loves boy, and she will just have to try harder not to upset him.

Girl stays with boy, girl bears it in silence. She takes abuse and ignores cheating. Girl stays with boy because she loves boy, and he doesn’t mean these things.

Girl stays with boy for year and a half. Girl hides bruises and cuts. Girl ignores cheating and cruel words. Girl is scared to let go of boy. Girl knows that before boy, she was drowning and would not have made it, so she holds on.

Girl knows that boy is bad for her, and killing her. Girl knows that when boy is being bad, he is awful and could crush her. But girl also knows that when boy is good, when he is helping, he is amazing. Girl still thinks that it is worth it to put up through the bad to wait for the times when boy is being good. But those times are rare.

Staying with boy is killing girl, but she has no one to turn to for help. Her ‘friends’ don’t know about boy because she wanted to keep the one good part of her life separate from cruel ‘friends’. So girl has no one to give advice, or help her cope, or comfort her other than boy. Except boy is the reason girl needs help. Boy is breaking girl.

But boy has brother. Brother has gotten to know girl since girl is almost always at boy’s house. Brother is close with boy, and thus, also close with girl. They are friends, and since boy and girl are not as close as they used to be, girl is getting close to brother. Brother is becoming girl’s best friend.

Brother knows all about boy and girl. Brother knows boy’s temper, and how boy gets violent. Brother knows how broken girl is, and how prone she is to self-destruction. Brother cares about girl, so brother tries to save girl. Brother gets girl alone, and talks with her. Brother knows that girl loves boy, but brother also knows that boy is no good for girl. Brother says that girl should not be afraid to leave boy, because girl will still have brother to help her.

Brother gets girl to finally leave boy. Girl feels like it will break her, but she knows that staying will kill her. So girl leaves boy, but girl has brother to help her get through.

Girl does not do so well at first, and boy is furious at first. Boy wants girl back, and it takes all of girl’s willpower not to go back. Boy tells girl that he loves her, but she gets through with brother’s support. But it’s hard, because girl spends time with brother, and it’s hard to see brother without seeing boy.

Until girl is with brother, and he is comforting her, and they kiss. But nothing else happens because girl knows that boy will hate her and brother for this. Brother knows this too, but he does not want to keep a secret from boy, so brother tells boy.

Things go poorly. Girl stops talking to boy altogether, because boy is hurt and trying to hurt girl back. But girl is alive, and she is going to be okay, but it will take time.

Girl is sad for a few months, and a few new friends notice. Girl won’t tell everything that happened, but it’s comforting that friends do care. But then an old ‘friend’, one who does not talk to girl anymore tells girl something.

The former friend says that girl’s sister has been telling her friends how annoyed she is with girl, and how sister wishes that girl had killed herself so that sister wouldn’t have to deal with her anymore.

Even family, the people who are obligated to love girl, can’t stand girl. If sister doesn’t even want girl around, why would anyone else? Girl is not doing well, not at all.

But girl has no one left. Girl has used her lifelines, and run out of people to help. Girl is on her own now.

But girl is going to college soon, getting away from all this. Maybe a new start in a new place can help girl be a new person.

At first it works. New people, new place; girl can be anyone she wants to be. Girl is happy, girl has friends, loves school. Life is good.

But girl cannot hide from herself for too long. The depression comes back, and girl can’t shake it. Girl has a few meltdowns, gets into trouble for it. Now girl learns that she can’t slip up again or girl gets sent to a psych ward. Not an option.

Girl bottles it up, tries to ignore depression to make it go away. It doesn’t really work. Girl does find a few friends who will help, who try to make sure she’s okay. But no one can save girl from herself if girl doesn’t want to be saved.

Girl enjoys cliché college things, parties a lot, but keeps up her grades. Girl is keeping her head above water, mostly with help of an older friend, President of the notorious fraternity, but a genuine friend. President looks out for girl, usually protects her especially when she’s drunk and prone to doing very stupid things.

But Halloween happens, and President is not there to keep girl safe when she needs him the most. At Halloween girl gets too tipsy, and an awful boy takes advantage. Girl gets raped.

Girl is really messed up now. She doesn’t want to tell anyone, or get the monster in trouble, just wants to move on and try to get past it. President was supposed to keep girl safe, but he didn’t. But Girl goes back to President’s room for night, because she shouldn’t be alone right now; girl is broken and hurt and scared. Girl tells President what happened, and he is sorry, but nothing is changed. He cannot really understand what girl is going through, but promises to keep secret.

Girl then mistakenly tells someone she trusts about the rape, because girl knows she can’t handle it on her own. But ‘friend’ immediately goes and tells other friends about what happened, despite girl’s wish to keep it as secret as possible.

So instead of trying to come to terms with that girl got raped, girl now has to spend time trying to keep the secret from spreading. Girl loses faith in people. Girl now has to deal with rape on own, because everyone lets her down.

Friend told her secret as if it were meaningless gossip. President was supposed to protect her and failed miserably. And now girl knows from experience how cruel and ruthless even strangers can be.

Now girl just feels hollow. She is giving up. Girl can’t deal with rape, so girl turns to cutting but even that can’t stop the nightmares, or the sick feeling. Girl turns numb, and starts to turn off all emotions.

Even when girls goes home after finals, girl does not get better. Girl is slipping further and further into a hollow state of apathy. When school starts again, she keeps slipping. Her grades are plummeting fast. The girl who was at the top of her class, who had so much potential is now failing half her classes.

Girl just can’t do this. Girl is not good enough. Girl is not strong enough. Girl cannot do this on own.

Girl needs help, but who would want to help a broken girl?

Girl has lost all care. No longer sees any silver lining, or a light at the end of the tunnel. Just grey, all-encompassing grey that feels as though it will consume her. Girl will let it.
Girl no longer cares about anything, and girl knows that she will not come back from this on her own. Girl lets self be used, lets self be treated as second best. Girl has lost all will to stand up for self, even girl does not see self as worth anything.

Girl knows that unless someone tries to save her, girl will die by own hand. Girl is a suicide waiting to happen. The only unknown is if anyone will deem her worth saving.

If not, girl’s story ends here.