Crazy Beautiful

Belleville New Jersey

It's definitely nothing like Ohio.

Yes, that's absolutely correct.

We moved all the way up to New Jersey from Ohio. Mother really wanted to get away.

We've only been here a couple days. And I haven't been out of the house at all. It's Saturday afternoon and Mother doesn't have to go to work. She wants me out of the house.

She never likes to have around me for too long. I think- no I know, she thinks I'm a mistake. She thinks I'm some kind of birth defect. That God is punishing her for some sick reason. She's trying to push me away so that when I'm old enough and ready to move out, I won't want to visit her. I've got one more year until I'm off to college. I'm 17, my birthday is October 5. And if my mother didn't care just an ounce I'm sure she'd throw me out the day after that.

My father's already gone. He left when I was 10. I think he blamed himself for it. His family had a history of it. He felt guilty and he said he couldn't take it anymore. He tried to convince my mother to just send me away to one of those children hospitals. But she refused, that's when she still wanted me.

When the sickness wasn't as bad because it was just starting.
Obviously that's changed.

She keeps telling me to go to the mall and buy supplies and new clothes for school. She even gives me $200.

I take a quick shower since I hadn't yet and pick out some jeans and a Misfits t-shirt. I pull on my old converse and put my hair into a messy bun. I grab a jacket, my purse and car keys. I try to talk to my mother about where the mall is, but she just shoves me out the door all the while mumbling 'Its somewhere down the street' and slamming the door in my face.

I've learned to just live with it.
I guess I'm sort of just going through life as a zombie. Just being there.

I get in my car and drive to the nearest super market. It doesn't take as long to buy school supplies as it does to buy clothes so I decide to do it first.

Book bag.
Pencils, pens, colored pencils.
Paper.
Folders.
3 Ring Binders.

The only good thing about starting school a couple weeks late is the school supplies are restocked because the rush is over. But it's harder to blind in; to hide yourself. Because even though school has only been in session for 2 weeks, everyone has already picked everyone out. They know the kids who were there the year before, and the kids who just arrived. There are never that many new seniors.

I'm going to be the odd one out.

I take all my items to the check out and place them on the counter. The cashier rings them up and I pay for them. After asking for directions to the mall I quickly leave and take my purchases to the car.

I don't like talking to people too long. It makes me nervous. I never know what to say and I feel awkward.

Its 5:30 when I arrive at the mall. It looks a little crowded and I groan at this.

I don't like crowds... I'm a little claustrophobic.

I find a parking space and park. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before making my way to the mall entrance. I've never been good with crowds. All the voices jumbled together just remind me of the whispers I hear. Its gotten better with my medication though.

I shop around for a couple hours. I buy a couple pairs of new shoes, jeans, a skirt of two, nice shirts, polo's. Then I make my way to HotTopic to buy some band tees. I don't seem like it, but I'm in love with the Misfits and Iron Maiden. Their music, their lyrics just speak to me. I think I use their music, and others, to channel my emotions. I'm so quiet and reserved its nice to have an outlet.

After I buy a couple t-shirts from there I go back to my car to drop all my bags off. I put them in the truck of my car and then head back to the mall entrance.

I'm trying to stay out as long as I can to make Mother happy. I know she doesn't want me home and would just try to push me out the door if I came home. Even for a half hour or so.

I decide to go to a music store I saw on my way out. I've been wanting to get some new CD's and posters.

As I near the store I notice that it's called 'The Alternative', and there don't seem to be many- well actually any customers in the store.

I walk in and the person sitting at the cash register doesn't even look up from his X-Men comic.

I look at him for a second then move on towards the back of the store. He has messy longish black hair, and he looked rather pale. I'm guessing he's in his early 20's.

I've picked out a couple CD's that I don't own and have been wanting. Then I move to the posters section. That's when I hear a group of rowdy voices enter the store.

As far as I can tell they're talking to the guy at the register, and I'm guessing they're all good friends.

I try to stay back there for as long as I can, waiting for them to leave. But they're taking too long.

"Why are still even here? There is no one in the store and the mall closes in a couple hours."

"Yea it's not like you'll get a customer anytime soon."

"Uh because, I need the money, and to get all my money I have to work my full hours."

"Why don't you just put on the paper that you worked the full hours and just leave?"

"Beca-... Well, I guess I could."

"That's the spirit! Now c'mon it's Saturday night and I'm sure there's a party to crash somewhere!"

I decide that I should probably make my purchase before he's ready to leave so I make my way to the register. They all have their backs to me so they don't hear me come up behind them. I wait a few moments for them to notice me but they're still chatting away.

I clear my throat, "Excuse me." I say quietly.

Nothing. Not even a glance.

I tap one of them on the shoulder and they turn around. He has a big curly afro and looks to be built strong. He reminds me of the giant from the Princess Bride. Although he is fairly attractive.

He looks at me for a second with confusion, and soon the rest of them notice my presence and they too are staring at me.

"Are you buying something?" I ask quietly. He shakes his head no and moves out of the way so I can get to the register.

They all watch me with hawk eyes as I place my items on the counter. The guy with the long hair starts to ring up my items.

"Are you new around here?"

I look up at the guy, "What?"

"I said are you new around here? Usually I know all of the people who shop at this store and I've never seen you before."

"Oh, uh yea. I moved here from, uh, Ohio."

"Oh... My name's Gerard. That's Mikey, my brother. Frank, Ray, and Bob." he said pointing to all of them.

I give them a small, very small, smile when they each wave at me. I turn back to Gerard and he's of just staring at me, waiting for me to tell them my name I guess.

"My name's Zoey Cataloni."

"Well Zoey, that'll be $35.18." Gerard says.

I hand him the money and they're all still staring at me.

"What grade are you in?" Mikey asks.

"Uh, I'm a Senior."

"What school are you going to?" Frank asks.

I know I shouldn't think so for my sake and his but Frank is extremely attractive. So much so that I'm unable to answer his question for a few seconds because of the sheer- as juvenile as it sounds
hotness radiating from his body.

"Belleville High."

"Oh you'll be going to school with Frank and Mikey then." Bob says.

Oh god.
This isn't good. I don't want friends. How am I supposed to disappear with friends? You can't disappear with friends.

"We'll meet you in the morning on Monday and we can show you around. We're seniors too." Mikey says.

No. I don't want to.

"Uh, okay. I have to go. Bye." I say, and quickly walk out of the store.

I don't want them to show me around.
I don't want them to want to be my friends.

I want to disappear.