Crazy Beautiful

September 5.

I've been here a month.

And I absolutely LOVE IT!

Everything. My new friends, the school, even if I am ridiculed and pushed around because I "hang out with the wrong people". Everything is better than its ever been. Although I still have to take my medicine. And I'm still almost like a zombie. But other than that everything is peachy.

I've even gotten a job at The Alternative with Gerard. I don't want to bother Mother anymore. I already feel like a burden to her. And I want her to be happy, and to love me like she use to. Before I got sick.

She's the only reason I keep taking the medicine. So that I stay sane enough, she won't have to send me away. Because unlike before, she wouldn't think twice about it now. So I take my medicine, and I make good grades. But she's not happy yet. And I want her to be happy.

Its Wednesday and we , Mikey, Frank and I, are sitting under our usual tree for lunch.

"Why don't those kids let the Trix rabbit have some trix. I mean he is the Trix rabbit, so they are his trix right?" Frank says.

"Its because kids are evil, and bunnies shouldn't be eating fruity flavored cereal." Mikey replies.

"Actually, they gave the Trix rabbit trix once. And he went psycho and almost ate all the trix in the world. So they had to banned him from trix." I reply not even looking up.

"Well how do you know?" Mikey says.

"My Father told me."

"How do you know he's right?"

"I guess I don't." I say looking down.

"You know we've never even seen your parents. We've never even been to your house." Frank says.

"My Mother works a lot, so she's never home. And my Father left when I was 10... But my house, it's nothing special. Just like everyone else's."

"Well we should hang out there today." Mikey says.

"Uh.."

"Yea, I mean you've been to our houses and its getting boring. Let's hang out at your's."

"Well... I guess."

The rest of the day was uneventful and soon the last bell rings. Mikey and Frank follow me in Mikey's car. We get to my house fairly quickly.

I give them a quick tour of the house then show them to my room. We do homework, talk and laugh. You know the usual. Then Mikey has to go home and it's just down to Frank and I.

I feel a little uncomfortable.

"What's your mom do?"

"What?"

"Your mom what does she do?" Frank says.

"Oh, she works in this big law firm. I think she's the head lawyer or something. I'm not entirely sure."

"Oh, that must suck." Frank says.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you never get to see her that much right?" I nod and he continues, "Well I'd be kind of upset if I didn't get to see my mom alto."

"It doesn't really bother me." I say lying down on my bed. "Its not like I'd see her if she was at home anyways."

"Why?"

Did I say that out loud? I hadn't noticed.

"She... doesn't really want me around too much." he looks at me as if to say go on. "She...well she...She doesn't...I don't think she likes me very much." I say looking away.

"What? Why wouldn't she like you. Of course she likes you, she loves you. You're her daughter."

"No. She doesn't like me. She...wants me gone."

"Why would she want you gone?"

"Because I'm sick."

"What do you mean you're sick. I mean we all get sick sometimes. Are you saying you're mom doesn't want you because you have a little cold that won't go away."

"I'm not that kind of sick... I mean... Mentally..."

Should I be doing this? I promised myself I wouldn't tell anyone. That I would bury it. But I can trust Frank... Right?

"What's wrong? Are you like... ADD or something like that. Because we're all a little ADD there's nothing wrong with that."

"No..."

"Then what is it?" he asks moving closer to me.

I shake my head and turn away from him. I don't want to tell him. I don't want him to know.

If he knows, he won't like me anymore. I won't have friends. They'll leave like everyone else.

"Zoey... c'mon you can tell me. I won't think any different of you."

"... I just... when I was little I use to have terrible nightmares, like all the time. And they got so bad that they started affecting everything I did. It was like... like I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't and I was always antsy, always paranoid and just scared out of my mind for no reason. So they put me on medicine so I wouldn't have so many panic attacks. But it was so bad that they had to keep giving me stronger doses... Until finally my brain just... crashed. And soon it wasn't just the medicine that was bothering me it was everything. I couldn't go to school, and I would stay in my room and hide under my blanket like my life depended on it... So then..." I pause, trying to suck my tears back into my eyes... I'm failing miserably.

"M-my father left... and all I ever heard from then on was 'It's your fault he's gone. Who would want a sick little girl like you?', so I would just hide under my pillow, I'd hide under my pillow and cry... Because all my Mother ever did was blame me. And all I ever dreamed about were people leaving me, and just falling into nothing. I had no one... I was no one... So they put me on anti-depressants..."

Frank's quiet.

I'm scared.

He's just staring at me, pondering. Thinking of something to say. I suppose there really isn't anything you can say to that except for 'Wow kid you're pretty fucked up. Definitely don't want to be with a crazy girl like you.'

So this is what my life has come to. I guess I really will have to spend the rest of my life alone.

Such a pity.

I really liked my friends... And even though I know that Frank would never in a million years have any interest in me other than platonically, I still wish I hadn't of told him because maybe my chances would've been a centimeter higher to what they are now.

I'm so dumb.

I knew I shouldn't have stopped taking my meds. I'm so selfish.
I just wanted to feel alive for a little while. Instead of being whacked up on drugs, going through life in a haze. I wanted to laugh, and really mean it. And I wanted to be able to get angry, or even maybe a little sad if the opportunity came.

And I wanted...

I wanted to get butterflies when Frank walked by, or if he accidentally touched my arm or sat close to me. I wanted to blush when he commented me, and have sweaty palms when I saw him coming towards me.

"...Zoey? Hello, Zoey!" Frank's shaking me.

Not like I can answer anyways. I'm already hyperventilating. Weird how when I have these attacks it's like I'm standing outside my body and watching myself. And there's nothing I can do but watch by and wait till I self destruct.

After I calm down its like I'm somewhere else. I'm not even watching myself anymore. There's just a swirl of darkness, and shadows. Whispers swirling around in my head. I'm so helpless its sad and I'm stuck. I can't get away. It's like I'm chained to my nightmares.

Falling, and falling deeper and deeper into a black pool of nothing.
A black pool of myself.