There Is No Afterlife; Not For You

Has there ever been a time in your life,where you felt just absolutely ignored?

I mean,just completely and totally shunned by anyone and everyone in the world,that the dogs and cats shift there heads up so high that you'd swear they were human at some point in life and could sense the mediocracy of your dull existance?

Yeah.That's my life story.But somehow,I think I'm beginning to find it more of a catharsis than an overshadowing burden.

I was content with how I was to everyone.Basically dead.

That or just plain dirt to them.

You'd think that my family would make me feel a little more welcomed and be concerned about my inability to socialize with anyone.Well,it's not that I have an inability to actually communicate with a person,but..

I don't think anyone wanted to.There's just something that repells every single homosapian from me,but I never knew what it was.

Will I ever find out?Probably not.

But like I said,I'm starting to get used to that.It's becoming more and more like home to me.

Home.What is a home anyway?

A place with a mom and dad waiting for you everytime you venture out miles away?Somewhere,with a garden,children and a love just luminating and gushing so much that the whole neighborhood can feel it?

Some think of it that way.I see it as a place where I'm just further pushed out of existance.

No one even pays attention to me there.I swear to you,if I were to eat all the food we had,ripped out all the curtains and stained our carpet with bright green paint,they would just assume that they had been ransacked by nuisance teenagers with nothing better to do.

Or something like that.Maybe it's just what sixteen years of emotionally silent abuse does to a person.

What it does to Jessica Lee Lopez.

What it does to me.

So what does a non-existant person do all day?Try to entertain themself.How?

Drawing.Writing.Solitare.Sleeping.Reading.Walking.Thinking.

Usually breathing,too.

Then again,why should a transparency breathe?Why should it have to entertain itself by drawing,writing,sleeping,reading,walking and thinking?

Because those are the only things one can do to feel the least bit humane.To feel like a person.

An existant human being.

I usually take pride in reading or walking.

I usually think when I walk,however.

Thinking is probably what keeps me sane.Am I even sane?Maybe that's why I don't have any connection with people.

Maybe I'm insane and I never knew it.

Nah.I know I'm not insane.I'm just lonely.You would be too if you didn't have someone to be with or talk to.

I wonder if there's anyone else like me?How does one get in this position in the first place?It feels like it was just handed to me on a silver platter the day I was born.

And somehow,that silver platter made me feel like absolute shit.

Exactly how I was treated:shit.

Just worthless,and nothing more.I wonder if I just one day laid outside in my neighbors very elite yard,if they'd run me over with their lawn mower due to the fact that I was never acknowledged by them.

Seriously,I don't think they even know me the whole time I've lived here.I don't think they've ever seen me.

And I pass there house about five times a day.

I guess there's really nothing to do in this town.I mean,my sister will go out with her friends but it's usually at the mall or theater.They all seem so tired of it after a while.

I guess I would too.I'm already tired of my daily routine.Hell,it's basically become my yearly routine.

Years.A year is a long time when you're trapped inside of your own mind and point of views.Within a year I could have read all of Anne Rice's books eight times at a moderate pace and have only spoke once to my parents.As for my siblings;I think the last time we associated was when my sister spent two consecutive hours in the bathroom getting ready for a date and I had to piss like a fucking race horse.That was a good three months ago.

So yeah,my life is very exhilarating.

I think my vocabulary is bigger than my sister's too.Also exhilarating.

I got up from my spot on the bed(I probably spent a good two hours contemplating whether or not I wanted to finish my drawing of the horse or the last three pages of And Then They Came For Me.) and walked over to the window and looked down at the identical houses.I swear,the neighborhood was as bland as my days were.Everyone went about their own business and I don't think ever exchanged a single "how was your day?"It was all just secretive and consistant.I was tired of it,too.I actually wished someone would rob the Patterson's house across the street from us,just so I can see everyone mosying out from behind the curtains of their windows.

People may keep to themselves,but they can be very prying.

Unfortuately,all I see are the cars parked in driveways and no one on the sidewalks or streets.

Why would they?It's only 2 in the afternoon.

I sighed as I turned on the ball of my foot and skimmed to the door.I grabbed my jacket and walked out of my bedroom,down the stairs and out of the house.

What more could I do than walk?

It was slightly chilly outside,being September in Virginia.The cold air was quite bracing and refreshing.It was like it kept me most alive than the rest of the deadbeats in town.

Deadbeats.Heh,never thought I'd refer to them as if they were as low in standards as I was.As far as I'm concerned,I think I'm lower than the rats that infest the ghetto part of Partlow.

They were pretty nasty too.

Where I usually go is probably about two miles into town.Never anywhere specific,really.I just roam wherever my feet walk to.

Am I invisible in town,too?You bet.

I can bump into people,trip in front of someone and fall flat on my face,and no one will even turn there heads to reap the embarrassment of my action.

Sometimes,I wish I could do something to just budge their little heads for the slightest bit of attention.Pretty sad,I guess.

It's just how things are for me.Sad and lonely.I'd love for one second to have a person say hello to me ask me my name.

Hello and a name.Is that too much to want?

I've never wanted anything,actually.I never asked for a life,a holiday,a friend..nothing.

If I'm that undeserving,why bother?

It's just how I see it.

I stuffed my hands in my jacket pockets and exhailed the 70 degree air.It felt nice for a change,to not have it rain.I love the rain,but sometimes,there's just too much of it to go around and relieve the dryness of the landscapes.

In front of me,I spot couples here and there,some holding hands,some talking and some just arguing over something that happened a week ago.

It's not fair that we're all of the same species and I can't even have what they have.

Companionship,and someone who'll just listen to them whenever.

Something I'll never come to know and cherish as much as they do(or at least should.)

I kept walking along the stores occasionally looking down at my feet,my bangs blowing against my face due to the slight activity of the wind.It felt nice,too.The wind just had something that made me feel like I was free and okay where I was.It always gave me a sense of security,but I never understood why.

I can smell the bakery that was coming to a close with me as I walked straight on towards that direction.The smell of fresh bread filled me and I closed my eyes to savor it all.

That's one of the most profound things about the five senses;when one is lost,the others are heightened.I've always wondering what it would be like to not see anymore.

Maybe things would be different.Maybe I would feel different about my position in life.

I would probably be spoiled rotten and hate the attention.Isn't it funny that what we want,we don't have and what we don't want,we have?

It's not really funny though.It's just only an annoyance to me and a plague to others.

Maybe that's what it is,a plague.A plague for my life to endure and cope with.I just have to ask though,why me?Why not this woman in front of me with a fur coat that looked as if the animal was killed just this morning and stitched to her very liking?Why not that kid with the giant lollipop in one hand and cottoncandy in between his plump fingers in the other hand?

It's just not fair.I don't think life was ever played out to be fair.

I look up to find myself back where I always end up.Every week,at least once,I end up on this bridge and I do nothing but stare into the horizon and watch the sunset and the water ripple from the slightest movement beneath it.

The lake always has that pure blue-green look to it.I don't know how it manages to even stay that hue.The water always looks so..inviting.

Almost too inviting at times.
Times when I think too much and become too overwhelmed with life.I'll daydream about me drowning and a guy just jumping in and saving me.

My own knight in shining armor,like we've read about.

But I'm smarter than that to know that if I jumped,no one would save me.It's right next to the whole 'common sense' thing.

Just not going to happen.

Maybe if I did jump though..things would stop hurting me and I could find a whole new purpose.Does one even have a purpose after living?

I know there's the whole afterlife mumbo jumbo,but..is it even real?

Or is it non-existant,like me?Hey,something that's relevant to me..nice.

I look out towards the sun and see that it's finally beginning to go down a bit.I can spend a whole four hours out here and not even realize it.In my case,it's completely valid.

I sighed as I pull away from the railing and sit down on the bench on the other side of the bridge(it's one of those pedestrian bridges,since not everyone likes to drive) and rest my head on my hand.All I do is just watch people pass in front of me,further pointing out that I'm not really there.Just a figment of everyone's imagination.

I never thought that human kind would actually exile someone without reason or propriety.Or acknowledging that they've even shunned someone.

I guess it's just ignorance at it's best.That water is REALLY starting to look good..

One hour...two hours..three.

I just spent another three hours of my life wandering around a place that could possibly end my life,with the pedestrian count lowering by the minute.

No one's even asked me what I was doing.No surprise there,but it's only further pressing my indignation to just get it over with.I mean,who would want to spend their whole life trying to find a purpose in society,let alone the first sixteen years?

I'm just growing weary of it and..I don't know anymore.
Maybe things are just better off unsaid and to the point.If I die tonight by my own will,I can only hope I'll finally get the notority I've been dying for.

Just too bad I won't be able to witness it.

I creep towards the railing again and focus on the blackened water.Maybe death won't be so bad..I wouldn't be able to feel anything anymore,right?No more need for a place in Partlow at all.

I can feel my heart beating so fast that it's starting to deafen the silence.My hands grip the metal tightly as I carefully pull my legs over the edge,onto the other side,my back facing the water.If I'm going in,I'm NOT going face first.

God,I can't believe I'm doing this.If I let myself fall in,I'm definately not coming out;I never learned how to swim.

But what if I accidentally fall in and I don't want to do this.I'm still screwed if I want to do this or not.I look down into the water a good 60 feet below me and I close my eyes feeling the cold air drop by the second.It had to be at least 63 degrees out now,and the water was probably 10 degrees colder than that,if not,more.

The coldness could kill me alone.God,what do I do?

End my life?Or stay alive and miserable,never knowing that there is a possible afterlife and peace for me?

I look up towards the sky and stare at the aligned stars.I wanted to be up there with the angels,or whatever they are up there.

I look back down and stare at the water one last time.It's just do or die now.

So I let go.

"Hey!"

I felt the darkness of my mind come back into reality as I slowly opened my eyes to a dimly lit room.

It felt very welcoming too.Very relaxing;like a home should be.

"Hey."

I focused my vision onto the person hovering over me.He touched the side of my face AND he gave me a slight smile.

He looked a little scared..

"Are you alright?You fell into the water..or something."I just couldn't respond to him.Someone was paying attention to me.Someone was talking to me.

I had a chance to be listened to.

He felt my forehead then stroked the side of my face.It felt like heaven.

"I guess you're fine for now.What's your name?"

I smiled.

Maybe I was supposed to survive.