Inamorata

It happened on a Tuesday.

Most people think Tuesday is the most forgettable day of the week, the most boring. But for me it was the most heartbreaking. And now, not even three weeks later I saw her. She across the room, talking to some of her friends. I felt my heart break, because I should be with her right now. I should be holding her hand, tucking that loose strand of hair behind her ear, twirling the ponytail with my fingers. Valentine’s Day was Monday, and for the first time since I was a freshman I was single.

But it was my fault. It was all my fault. If I wasn’t so damn scared, I’d still have her. It felt so wrong, not having her in my life and it hadn’t been long at all since she was. I could still recall the first day I had met her, during a different party back when we were only fourteen.

I shifted uncomfortably against the wall, my eyes scanning the party for a familiar face. I couldn’t find one. With a final glance around the crowded room, I started moving, heading in the general direction of the kitchen. It was significantly less crowded in there, and I breathed a sigh in relief.

“You look rather out of place,” a petite brunette girl said from in front of the fridge. She was wearing sweatpants and a tank top, her hair tossed into a messy bun at the top of her head.

“Probably because I have never been so uncomfortable in my life,” I told her honestly, tucking a strand of my chin length red hair behind my ear. She giggled, and walked over towards me.

“I’m Eliza,” she told me, holding out a hand for me to shake. I did, and she interrupted me before I could introduce myself. “You’re Hannah, right? We have computers together second period.”

“Yeah, I am,” I told her, smiling shyly. Eliza nodded, and continued talking.

“So, what are you doing here, anyway? Not many freshmen are brave enough to come to one of my brother’s famous parties.”

“Oh, some girls on the squad invited me; something about bonding. But, I have no clue where any of them are now, and I’m finding out that I really hate parties,” I told Eliza, nervously biting my lip as I looked at the large crowd in the next room, and the slightly smaller one in this room.

“I feel ya, I’m not a fan of them either. I’m just grabbing some food before I go hide myself away in my room for the rest of the night. You’re more than welcome to join me,” she offered, and I nodded.

“Seriously? That be great,” I said with a laugh.

She and I were near inseparable after that night, and it wasn’t long before we became best friends. Every game, she was there to watch me cheer. I was there for every one of her piano recitals. Before long, it was hard to imagine my life without her.

Which is why I always found it so hard to lie to her as the year progressed. I told her everything, except for three things. They were all interconnected, and I was terrified to tell her any of them. She found out one, though, which led to the second being told. But the third one I kept to myself. For the sake of my heart.

“Why are you being so difficult about this?” Eliza asked, rolling her eyes as she held out the bathing suit towards me. “You told me you liked swimming, which is why I don’t understand why you just won’t put on the suit and come to the river with me. It’s not like you won’t fit into my bathing suit; we’re the same size.”

I just looked down at my feet,away from the revealing two piece, my one arm crossing over my stomach, as if to protect the secret even more. “I just don’t wanna,” I muttered, finally, still refusing to look at her.

“I’m calling bullshit on that. You have a reason, you just won’t tell me. I thought we were friends, Hannah, best friends. Why can’t you just trust me?”

It was clear to me that Eliza was upset. She hated that I was obviously hiding something, and she was angry at me. I could feel my eyes welling up, and I just shrugged, not trusting myself to talk. “Hannah, are you crying? Oh God, please don’t cry. I hate it when you cry; why can’t you just talk to me?” she asked, wrapping her arms around me in a hug. I just shook my head.

“Because if I tell you, you’re gonna want to know why. And then you’ll hate me.”

“Oh no, Hannah, no. I could never hate you, never; you’re my best friend. Nothing you could possibly do could change that,” she told me, pulling me against her tighter. My tears kept falling, and I pulled away.

“I have to show you it,” I told her, hands hesitating at the hem of my shirt. I took a deep breath, looking at Eliza for reassurance as I lifted it to the bottom of my bra. My friend gasped, shock overtaking her beautiful features as she saw what I had been doing to myself since before I met her.

“Why?” she asked me softly, “why would you hurt yourself like this?” She came closer, her delicate fingers touching my stomach, tracing the cuts. I flinched when she brushed her fingers against one I had only made the night before, and her hand fell back to her side. “Why?” she pleaded with me, her gaze meeting mine as she took my hand in her own.

“I’ve been doing it since last year,” I started, biting my lip harshly as I looked back at my feet. “Ever since I realized I’m gay.” I stood there, and waited for the disgust I expected as she released my hand. Instead, I felt her arms wrap around me.

“Oh honey, there’s nothing wrong with being gay. I like girls, too, and it doesn’t make me any less of a person, and it doesn’t make you any less of one either You’re still my best friend. You will always be my best friend. Just because you like girls doesn’t change the fact that you’re an amazing person.”

She tried to get me to stop cutting myself after that day. I’ve been clean for almost a year now, and I probably never would have stopped at all if it hadn’t been for Eliza. She was always there for me. She always understood.

Eliza knew how upset I was at the idea of people finding out about my sexuality. I was never truly comfortable sharing it with anyone but her, mostly because I was afraid. And for the longest time she was okay with that.

I can remember that when she asked me out right before sophomore year started, I ran away from her in tears. I remember her confronting me about it, and then telling me she was okay with keeping a relationship secret until I was comfortable enough to come out. I never was though, and that’s what made her leave me.

Seeing her across the room killed me. I wanted nothing more than to be with her, but my fears made her leave me. And I wished for the hundredth time that night that I wasn’t so afraid.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Eliza said, shaking her head as she sat next to me on the bed.

“You’re...you’re not serious,” I replied, looking at her small figure. “I love you, and you love me. That’s all that matters. You said so yourself.”

“I know, Hannah, but this? The constant hiding? I love you, but I can’t keep doing it. I can’t. I feel like you’re ashamed to be with me, and I’m going to keep feeling this way if I stay with you. I’m sorry.”

“Eliza, we’ve been together for more than two years! You can’t tell me that you’re just going to leave me, you can’t. I love you too much. I need you!” I pleaded with her, but she just shook her head some more.

“I love you too, but I can’t do it. I’m sorry. I can’t wait for you to be ready to come out anymore, because you’re never going to. I wish things were different, but they’re not. It breaks my heart that I have to do this, love. I’ll miss you.”

And then she left.

Maybe I will never stop being afraid, but I need her in my life. Three weeks haven’t passed and already I feel myself longing for old comforts. She’s been my rock, my everything for so long and I couldn’t even give her the one thing that she wanted.

But, maybe it wasn’t too late.

I could fix things.

With this in mind, I started walking through the crowd of people, my eyes on Eliza the entire time. She was talking to someone when I reached her, and I tapped her on the shoulder. Her face held shock when she saw me in front of her. “What do you want, Hannah?” she asked quietly, her gaze even with mine.

“You,” I said simply, taking another step towards her.

“I can’t hide who I am, who we are, anymore. I’m sorry,” she said, a frown on her face.

“I wasn’t planning on hiding anything, Eliza.” And I kissed her. In front of a good hundred people, I kissed her.

“Well then,” she said, after I pulled out of the kiss, a smile lighting up her face. “I guess I can kiss you whenever I want now, doesn’t it?”