Got A Secret?

I often prided myself on the fact I didn’t always jump to anger as my go to emotion. This wasn’t one of those times though; I was pissed. I couldn’t even focus on why though and I knew I was probably over-reacting a bit. The anger slowly faded some and turned to sadness, confusion and bitterness. I didn’t want to think about it, at all, but it was still hanging over my head.

Sidney had been the face of the NHL for years now; he was Sid the Kid, the next Wayne, holder of a Stanley cup and a gold medal. He may not like the excessive attention he got but he was used to it, and even if he didn’t want to admit it now that the attention wasn’t all on him he was feeling a little greedy.

Everyone likes attention and his actions were justified. How manly NHL players play on the same team as their girlfriend? How many had to share glory? Pittsburgh was a very hockey oriented city, and I could almost hear his thoughts going through his own head.

To pass, or not to pass? Do I let her score her first game back or do I take the shot for myself even though she has a better chance? Either way I still thought it was petty; he didn’t need to try and be the big man. He was the captain and at the end of the day he would still be the captain. A win was a team effort, and we were a team we played together, we lost together and we won together. It wasn’t the Crosby show, if he was out of the limelight for one night he wouldn’t be forgotten. I had never noticed it before and perhaps it was his mindset since he had been out for the majority of the season last year and he felt like he had to make up for that. To be honest though I didn’t want to think about it too much, at this point I just wanted to smack some sense into him. I mean was I that much of a threat in his mind? Would Washington maybe a better place for me to play where he didn’t have to worry about sharing the spotlight? Where we would be competitors and if he won it would be known he was “better”.

“I don’t think he really realized what he was doing, I mean-,” Max pauses, roughly rubbing his face before shaking his head, “never mind, he knew. I just can’t offer any good explanation as to why.”
“He felt threatened,” I mumble looking over at Sidney who had a towel over his face; his head leaned against the back of his locker in defeat. I wanted to walk over and rip the towel off of his face, walk over and kiss him, hard. Tell him it was okay. Walk over and yell, stomp on his foot, swear in his face. Pull him up just so I could push him down. I wanted him to know that it was a game, yes it was our life but it was a game and I was falling for him and didn’t want anything to hurt our relationship.

I didn’t want silly pride and jealously to come between us.
I didn’t want to convert his fans; I didn’t want to steal anything away from him. I just wanted him to be him, and now I was beginning to wonder if he could be the same player he had always been if I was there. It had never happened before but that didn’t mean things wouldn’t become strained now, or in the immediate future.

Silently I remove my equipment tossing it behind me; I grab some body spray and douse both Marc-Andre and myself before grabbing my sweat pants and hoodie pulling them on. Marc coughs and waves his hand in front of his face, his nose scrunching up.

“Mon dieu, what is that?”
“Cotton Candy”
“Ugh, I bet that’s what Willy Wonka’s farts smell like. Nasty.” He jokes wafting his hand towards me, attempting to get away from the smell. I give him a small smile in return not being able to resist when he flashed those teeth at me.

Grabbing my bag I make my way over to Sidney standing in front of his towel clad head.
“Ready to go?” I question knowing he didn’t have his car, we had driven in together this afternoon and I was willing to ignore tonight’s events until tomorrow at least because he seemed to be beating himself up.

“I’m going to ride with Geno” he mumbles after a moment, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I feel my face fall and I nod even though he couldn’t see me, turning for the door.

“Wait up Princess!” Max calls rushing up beside me his own bag on his shoulder. He grins up at me before offering his arm and waving back to Jordan and Kris urging them forward.

“Dinner?” He asks directing me towards the door, he speaks again before I can answer, “Don’t try and say no I already called in our reservation. We’re going to have fun and you’re going to relax ma chérie.”

I pull his arm closer hugging it to my side, yeah relax. Right.

____________________________________________________________________________

“Sod is my life? That’s all you can say, god you are such a nerd,” I giggle pushing Jordan away and grabbing my wine glass.

“Whatever you say, it works on the ladies who am I to complain.”
“Only works because they’re all depressed Eric is married, it will be a sad sad day when Marc settles down as well.” I say in a depressed tone making Kris snort.

“It will only be sad because the women of the world will realize Jordan’s and Jared are the only ones left and they’ll have to settle,” Max chirps.

“Awh don’t be mean,” I scold patting Jordan’s shoulder, he smile drop at my last line though, “Jared is a total cutie pie”.

“Hey!”
“Sorry Staal, he’s ginger that trumps you any day.”
“You guys are assholes” he pouts looking across the room, his gaze locked on our waitress, he’d been staring at her since we got here and I think she was a little intimidated by his gaze because she had been avoiding out table for the last half hour. I needed her to come back though I wanted more wine, or maybe I could get a shot this time…

“We have to keep your head uh.. small” Kris offers, I nod in confirmation with his statement making a mental reminder to lay back on the Le Kitty comments, Kris was a riot when he wanted to be.

I look around the table and watch my friends silently; Jordan was pretending to pout while still making eyes at the waitress. Max was rolling his eyes and laughing at Jordan, sitting back at complete ease with his surroundings. Then there was Kris, I was sad to say I didn’t spend a lot of time with him but when I did we always had fun. He was a funny guy and was often under-estimated.

I grab my phone and look down hoping to see a message, my face falling when I had no new notifications. Of course you don’t have any, I tell myself, I had the vibrate and ringer on the highest setting, if I got so much as a tweet I would know about it instantly.

“Rache” Max’s warning tone jolts me out of my thoughts, his hand reaches across the table and he looks at the phone pointedly. I hand it over resisting the urge to throw it at his head feeling like a scolded child.

Phone confiscated twice in one day, I felt like I was in high school again. I needed more wine.

“Staalsy stop scaring the waitress I need another drink.”
“Thatta girl!”
____________________________________________________________________________

Holding my breath I knock on Sidney’s door slowly counting down from three. I had it all planned out, we’d talk, I’d get the answers I was expecting to hear and then we’d move past it. It would be silly to hold this against him and be angry about it right?

“Morning” I sing cheerfully when he opens the door looking confused, I was holding back the wince at my own voice it sounded foreign and forced coming from me, especially at this time in the morning.

“Rachel, it’s… 8:30.” he says slowly opening the door allowing me to pass. I slip under his arm my hand brushing against his chest as I passed. What? I was only human.

“I figured we’d get an early start, I couldn’t sleep anyways and I knew you’d be up.” That was a lie of course, I hadn’t actually went to bed yet, Jordan and Max had forced Kris and I to go out to Diesel after we were all moderately buzzed. My wing-woman duties had involved a long ass cab ride home a few hours ago after I made sure my little posse was safe. Then I had showered and got dressed, called another cab to take me back to the restaurant from last night so I could get my car and then I drove all the way here. I was beginning to think my social life was the cause of global warming.

“I uh, wanted to talk to you about last night” I continue after a moment of awkward silence, Sidney was shifting back and forth on his feet looking anywhere but my face. We stood in silence for another sinfully long moment before he broke the silence by clearing his throat.

Stepping forward I close the distance between us gently laying my hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

Sidney lets out a deep breath rubbing his hand through his hair, “I’m fine, I’m sorry about last night.”
“That’s it? You’re sorry? Sidney I’m not worried about the game anymore I’m concerned about you, about us.”

“Can we not talk about this right now?” he asks walking away towards his living room. I stare at his back shocked feeling my temper flare.

“Uh no we’re going to talk about it. What’s gotten into you?” I ask following behind him resisting the urge to stomp my feet like a teenager.

“Nothing okay, I just don’t want to talk about it,” he insists.
“We have to” I say quietly, I felt like we were talking about two different things.

I watch as his shoulders slump and he turns taking my hand in his. “Do you know what it was like to watch you get hurt all those weeks ago? How it felt to watch you get smashed into the boards and then get hit into the air right off of your feet?”

“No I-“
“-I was worried of course when you got hurt” he clarifies his eyes boring down into mine. Something told me I wasn’t going to like whatever came out of his mouth next. “But I was also relieved, you’d be out for awhile and for once I could play, actually play. I didn’t have to worry about where you were at every moment during the game. Worry about making sure you weren’t going to get hurt. I didn’t have to worry about taking opportunities to shoot at the net because for once there wouldn’t be a headline about me being a puck hog and not giving you a chance to prove yourself.”

I could feel my pulse thumping in my ears, it wasn’t jealously he was feeling after all. He was constantly worried; I was stressing him out and not allowing him to play like he wanted. I was a distraction, a pain in his side.

“I’m not proud of what I did last night, I knew you could make the shot but I just let my feelings get the better of me I guess.” He admits looking frustrated with himself. I bring my hand up and cup his cheek softly rising up on my toes and bringing my lips down on his briefly.

Pulling away I take a step back looking up at him knowing what I had to do. “I want you to play like I’m not there form now on, block me out okay? I care for you too much for you not to try your hardest all the time, I don’t want our relationship to interfere with the game.”

“Rachel I’m not saying you a d-“
“I am a distraction, this is your career Sidney you are hockey, you live and breath it. You’ve made the game mean so much to people over the years and I don’t want to hinder your progress for a moment.”

I watch as he struggles to defend himself, but he eventually finds no words. He looked so sorry, tough like at any moment he wanted to toss the whole conversation aside and take it all back. I could see it in his face the honestly the regret for what he was saying. I look up into his eyes though and see a whole other emotion, a new one that hadn't been their before. Love. I step forward again giving his shoulder a squeeze and rising up once more to kiss his cheek. “I’ll see you at the rink, I have something to do.”

Moving quickly I slip my shoes on ignoring his calls form the living room. I grab my phone out of my pocket and swiftly send off a text to Mario before making my way out of the door and rushing down to my car.

Pushing down on the keyboard I eventually find the name I was looking for sending the call request and putting the phone onto speaker. I speed out of the drive way, I had to do this before I changed my mind.

“Hello?”
“Tell Bruce to be expecting a call shortly, I’m on my way to meet Mario.” I say simply before hanging up. I let out a shaky breath knowing this may be the only way things could work out in the end. The things we do for love…