This Is How I Disappear

Delilah’s Point of View

I handed the sniffling Oliver over to Johnny as I turned my angry glare towards Matt.

“I’m gonna try to put him to bed.” Johnny said, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek and Matt a sympathetic smile.

I waited until Johnny and Ollie were out of hearing range before I spoke.

“What the fuck, Matthew?” I asked looking at the terrified man in front of me.

“Let me explain before you kill me.” He said looking at me and for the first time since I have known him, which is a long time, I could see him as a child. I guess it was the innocence in both his eyes and words.

“Fine.” I said walking over and taking a seat on the couch.

“Alright, well here it goes. When I said that I would babysit Oliver I thought that he was going to attack me with questions about Zacky. I don’t know if he knows about him or not. I mean he calls Johnny daddy so I don’t really know and Zack is kind of a forbidden topic when it comes to you. And I prepared myself for that not him going all pouty face on me and I caved. I’m sorry.”

“I guess you're forgiven.” I said, begrudgingly.

“Thanks, I guess I’m just gonna go then and leave you Short Shit alone.” he said, before winking and giving me a dimpled smile.

“Whatever, Sanders.” I said while punching his arm.

“Is it safe in here?” Johnny asked as he came walking into our the living room.

“Yeah man, I was just leaving.” Matt said as he got up.

“Matt, come on stay for a while have some beers and chat.” I said with a smile. It seems like I haven't talked to any of the guys, I miss them.

“I would but I gotta get back to Val.” He said with a small smile while putting his jacket.

“Oh.” I said not even bothering to mask my disappointment. I used to feel like I was apart of their family but ever since Zacky died I feel like they don't want me around anymore. I've racked my brain for years trying to figure it out but I have only came up with one answer. They blame me for Zacky's death. They'd be right to do so.

“I'm just gonna go to bed, I'll call you tomorrow Johnny.” I said without looking at either of the men in my living room.
Johnny's Point of View

“Are you alright, Delilah?” I asked, she looked lost.

“I'm fine, it's just one of those days. Will you lock the door when you leave?” She asked me from the kitchen.

“Yeah. Goodnight babe.” I said with a frown.

Once Delilah was out of sight and the sound of our her bedroom door closing met my ears I turned my attention back to Matt, who seemed confused.

“What did I say?” He asked.

“Do you have time to talk.” I asked, I've been wanting to talk to him about Delilah for a while, I'm really confused and I really just want to tell someone how she makes me feel.

“Yeah man, I just gotta get home so Val can use the car to run to her mom's.”

“Alright, I meet you there.”

Time Lapse

“So whats up man?” Matt asked once we were comfortable sitting around his patio table.

Shew, I was lost on where to start should I start with Delilah's random mood swings, or her almost refusal to talk to Oliver about Zack or to talk about him at all. Or maybe I should start with how I'm so in love with her that it makes me hurt to be away from her. “I don't even know where to start.” I stated hoping he would help me out a little. I knew that once I started talking I wouldn't want to stop.

“Well, start with why Delilah acted the way she did earlier.” Okay well that worked.

“She thinks you and Brian hate her.”

“Why would she think that?” Matt questioned

“Cause you never talk to her or even associate with her.” I defended.

“I just fucking babysat her kid!”

“Because I asked you too.”
“Fine, we'll start getting together with her more. It's just hard to see her and Oliver and not mention Zacky.”

“I know man, it took me a while but then I got used to it.”

“Well, let me ask you this, why the fuck does Oliver call you daddy?”

“He says it's cause he knows that I love him and his mom, so that makes me his daddy.” I said with a smile, I loved that boy like he was my own.

“So, what's up with you and Delilah?”

“I wish I knew.” I said. I was so confused about where exactly we stood in terms of a relationship.

“Well, are you in love with her?” he asked bluntly.

“Yeah, I just don't know how she feels about me, it's driving me mad.” I vented.

I wasn't sure what Matt mumbled but it sound like 'She has that effect on people'.

“What was that?”

“What?”

“It sounded like you said she has that effect on people.” I pressed, maybe I'm wrong but I'm starting to get a little pissed.

“Yeah man, maybe you should just leave that alone.”

“Leave what alone, Matt?” I asked letting my anger soak through. He was talking about one of two things 1.) that I should just leave whatever it was that he mumbled alone and move on or 2.) that I should leave my feelings for Delilah alone.

“I mean that I don't think you should act on your feelings for her.”

“Why not?”

“Because Zacky did and his gone now. We've lost Jimmy and Zacky, Johnny. Don't make us loss you too.” Matt said.

Call me crazy but did that not sound like he is blaming Delilah for both Zacky and Jimmy's death?

“I can't believe you just said that man.”I said as I stood up and started to walk away.

“Come on man, don't get all piss cause I dissed your 'love' or whatever. It's the truth I'm not blaming her but you can't tell me that she didn't notice something was up with him in those last few weeks.”

He did blame her, what an ass. With every word that he spoke I could feel my anger boiling up inside me.

“Just face it man, she killed him and she'll kill you too if you don't quit.”

“Listen, you don't know shit about her or what she went through alright so just shut the fuck up. I thought I could talk to you but I was wrong.” I said as I walked back through his house and towards the garage. Once I got inside my car I just sat there.

How could Matt say that about Delilah? She has told me every last detail of the last few weeks of Zacky's life trying to see if there were signs that she missed but there was nothing. He was Zack again until one day he just lost it. There was nothing that she could have done any diffrent.

I just don't know what to do to make her understand that I love her. There is just so much that I don't know anymore.

I knock on my window brought me back to reality. I looked over to see a confused Val on the other side of the glass.

Once the window was down she asked, “Are you okay, Johnny?”

“No, I'm not.”

“Well, come on in and talk to Matt.”

“I already did that.”

“Well, did he help any?”

“No, he made it worse.” She looked sad at this news but it was the truth.

“Do you think I could help?”

“No, I don't think anyone can.”

“Is this about Delilah?” I nodded.

“I thought so.”

“Do you hate her too?”

“No, Matt doesn't hate her either he just chose to think the way he does cause then he doesn't have to admit that it was Zacky's choice to leave us all.”

“He told me she was gonna kill me too. I just don't think he understands that I love her and Ollie more than anything. It breaks my heart to know that someone thinks of her that way. She's too kind to ever hurt someone and she miss you all. I just wanna to see her smile again.”

“Then make her smile, Johnny.”