Desired

"Well? Aren't you going to say anything? Give some excuse as to were exactly you've been while your father and I have been up worrying all night?"
My mother verges on shouting as I look down at my bare feet, shifting my weight from one leg to the other.

"I'm sorry, it was a mistake, I didn't mean to be out so long"
My voice is soft, not wanting to push her any further.

"You're right it was mistake, now tell me where you were?"
Her tone is in it's dangerous stage; low and imposing, and I don't dare make eye contact.

"I went to that party I told you about, but then I left because I got a headache and the music was really loud"
I murmur, hugging my middle.

"And after that?"

I swallow hard before continuing.
"After that I drove down to the lake and just sat for awhile and I fell asleep on accident, I'm really sorry"

"And you were the only one at the lake?"

I nod, biting my lip and finally looking at her.
"I was alone, yes"
The lie slips out so easily, voice not hestiating or wavering a bit.

"Why didn't you just come home if you had a headache?"

I shrug at this, licking my dry lips.
"It was such a beatiful night, I wanted to see the lake, I hontestly didn't mean to fall asleep, please forgive me"

"Well"
She quips, the irritation in her voice deflating slightly, but only slightly.
"I don't know if I can believe you. However, you seem to be telling the truth, just go upstairs and be ready to tell your father when he wakes up how sorry you are"

"Yes ma'am"
I reply, plodding upstairs, incredibly fatigued and stiff after last night.

My first stop is my bathroom.
I gently rub cotton balls soaked in extra virgin olive oil on my eyelids, removing the smeared colors there.
When all blue and black pigmentation is gone, I toss the cotton ball in the direction of the waste bin, not checking to make sure I got it in.
I rise my face with ice water, reflexively gasping at the shock it sends to my nerve endings, waking me up. What the hell happened to me last night? It's been years, I can't believe I had another panic attack, they were suppose to stop by now.

After pulling off my jeans and hoodie and shutting my curtains, I slip into my soft, warm bed, almost completely unclad.
I curl up into a ball on my side, just staring at my white closet door.

I stare at it until the edges of my vision becomes fuzzy and my eyes begin to sting with prolonged, unblinking, contact with air.
I squeeze them shut, throwing the blanket of my head, I don't want to be here; in this bed, in this house, in this town, in this world

*X*

I groan, rolling over and throwing the covers off my heated body, thankful for the cool air against my damp skin. I pry open unwilling eyes.

What time is it?

My tongue is sour, my head hazy.
I reach over to the nightstand, grabbing my phone.

Sliding it open, I blink back the bright light of the screen as I wake it up.
The white numbers placed in front of my rose wallpaper read 6:12

"What the hell?"
I mutter, eyebrows furrowing.
I didn't even stay out late last night, yet I slept all day, what's the matter with me?

After slipping on a pare of shorts, a hoodie and some socks, I brush my teeth, roughly scrubbing the foul taste out of my mouth.

My father sits in his favorite chair, reading glasses on, reading a book, Robert Johnson's 'Sweet Home Chicago' playing from the old radio he keeps on the mantle. It's a comfortable, yet eerie, scene to be greeted by as I enter the living room.

"Dad?"

He looks up over the rim of his glasses.
"Finally rejoined the world of the living I see"
The sound of his voice makes my stomach churn, he's upset, very upset.

"Look, dad, I know I was out late, it was a complete accident- "I don't want to hear it Ruby!"
He shuts the book and stands up quickly.
"This goes way beyond last night, this crap has been going on for years! You try to act all tough and strong, but I know something is wrong and has been for a very long time, but you keep shutting me out!"

I wince as he yells, ringing my hands. He can't know, it would kill him to know what happened.
"I don't know what you're talking about, I'm fine, I've just been worrying about school and-"Stop lying!"

He gets even louder, making me jump.
"I'm hear, now tell me, tell me so we can get past this"

The silence that follows is deafening, a blast of emotions surges through my system; worry, guilt, anger, yearning, sorrow.
I look at him, clenching my jaw shut.

He stares at me with irritation and disappointment.
"You know what? I'm done"
He says before shaking his head and storming past me. A hand flies up to my mouth to smother a sob.
I'm a horrible person, I'm screwing everything up for everyone, making everyone unhappy, what is wrong with me?

*X*

I lie in the dry bathtub, curled in an old blanket, the one my grandmother quilted for me, it's my favorite.
I stare blankly at the screen of my phone, thumb hovering over Asher's contact. I bite my lip and finally press call, bringing it to my ear.

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.
"Hey this is Asher, I'm busy right now, but drop me a message and I'll give you a call."
This is it, this is my sign, this is God telling me that I don't need to talk to anyone, to just to it.

"Hi, Asher... I know this is a little strange, but I wanted to say thanks, for bothering to be friends with me, I know I fuck things up, and I'm sorry for that...thanks for everything."

I end the call and set my phone on the edge of the tub before reaching up and turning on the shower. It'll be less messy this way, something that they will be thankful for.

"This is for the best"
I say, pulling out the vintage razor blade that belonged to my fathers collection, he always said it was sharp enough to cut rocks.

The sharper; the easier and quicker.

An odd wave of calm overcomes me as everything seems to make sense now, this will fix everything and all this bullshit I deal with will be over.
My heart races and a smile pulls on the corners of my mouth. I feel excited, like you do when you're about to go on a roller coaster.

I press down the blade firmly and cut down deeply, a laugh bubbling up from my throat, I continue to laugh for no reason as I make the next 5 cuts. It's all over. The end of Ruby, thank God.

Leaning back and closing my eyes, I pull the drenched blanket up to my chin and feel the release.
It's not just blood, but every bad memory, every horrible thought and feeling, all of it slowly draining away.
The perfect cleansing.