The Ravages of Anxiety

Here they come. Butterflies again and… yeah it’s an anxiety attack. Oh my god this is so annoying… I can’t believe this is happening right now… Why does it have to happen here, in school, on my way to bio?

Jen’s voice is so far away. God, you’d think that she could focus on me and be louder. My insides… I need it to stop! Why are they curling up like that! I hear her, “Rachel? What are you doing? What do I do? Oh my god…” Her voice sounds far away. Tell her something. “I’m fine.” What a lie. I want my mom. Why won’t it go away? Please!

I want Jen to leave, I’m a mess. I feel stupid. She needs to go. But I can’t tell her to go, I don’t want to be rude. Geez, it seems like my mom’s manners follow me everywhere! Make it stop! Stop. My body needs to start listening to me.

I need to sit down for a second, even if it’s on these nasty, dirty stairs. Gotta put my head between my knees, and try to catch my breath just like my mom told me to do. Coping mechanism. Please. This would make me laugh, if I didn’t feel like I was dying. It’s not helping at all. Actually, maybe a little. Just make it stop. I can hear better, finally and it’s easier to focus now, but it’s still hard while Jen is yelling at me, why can’t she shut up for a second? I want to get up now… I don’t have the energy, and the bell is ringing and I’m not in class, and angry, venomous butterflies are eating my insides and I want everything to stop.

The anxiety is dying now, finally. Good. Go away. The world is not so blurry, and Jen is leading me to class. I wish she would stop. I’m not blind, and she’s not my seeing-eye dog. God, now she’s telling my teacher what happened! Some friend! She needs to stop right now! I’m too exhausted to care. Pathetic. I never realized how uncomfortable these school chairs are. Someone needs to fix that. Oh my god, I need air. My throat is closing. I’m about to burst in to tears and I need to get to the bathroom right now so I need to go talk to the teacher for a pass and thank god he let me leave. This is ruining my life. I need to get out of here. I need to leave school for a day.

I have to text my mom… I bet she won’t even let me come home. Pretend I’m sick? I’m an okay actress. Okay, calm yourself down now. Wait for her text back. Anxiety is just coming and going in little waves, that’s better then before.

The anxiety is gone… for now. I want the anxiety attacks to stop. I need the anxiety attacks to stop.