You Can't Break My Heart If It's Already Made of Stone

My mother’s eyes narrowed when I got in. “Living room. Now,” she mouthed over the almost-sleeping Clarissa.

I headed in to the living room my mom on my tail, and as I sat down she plunked Clarissa in to my lap. “She’s starving, and tired. I tried to give her some formula, she would only drink a quarter of the bottle. And in case you haven’t noticed lately, I’m unable to breast feed. Feed your daughter.”

I complied immediately. I didn’t particularly like breast-feeding, it made me feel uncomfortable, and I was hoping Clarissa would grow out of it soon. I apologized to my mom, and thanked her for watching Clarissa again.

She sighed. “Look, honey, I am always happy to watch my granddaughter. And I want you to have a real life, and I know that you’re all hung up on this boy. But your baby comes first. It sucks, I know, and I will always be here to help out. But at the end of the day, Clarissa is your daughter, not mine. And there are things she needs that only you can give her.”

I looked up and thought for a moment. “I’m really sorry. I’ll cancel my date on Friday.”

My mom looked shocked. “No! There’s no need. And don’t be sorry. You’re young, you’ll learn. Just make sure to feed her before you leave, and then I’ll put her down to sleep. Enjoy yourself on Friday night. Really Sarah, don’t worry about it.”

I smiled, my eyes filling up with wet emotion. “Thanks mom.” I took Clarissa in to my room and finished feeding her. She fell asleep in my arms, and I looked down at her adoringly, almost crying again. Jeez, I was doing that constantly. What was with all the tears? I was so emotional.

I put Clarissa down in her crib and went to bed, lying awake, thinking about life. My mom came in to my mind first. My amazing mom, who was making up for being so distant during my childhood. But I loved her nevertheless. Then came Clarissa, my tiny little child, who I loved more then anything. And then Isaac. Sweet, wonderful Isaac. Who knew a college boy was capable of such romance?

And then my thoughts traveled on and on, person to person, until my dad’s face come flooding in to my mind’s eye. Why did my mind keep going back there? I hated him so much, but my mind couldn’t stay away. I felt like there had to be something I could do to get revenge on him. He hurt his family so much, and now he’s living it up with some young, beautiful, probably a prostitute my age. It just didn’t seem right.

I went out to my mom, who had fallen asleep watching T.V. I studied her face for a moment.

I looked at the wrinkles, the lines bunched up on her forehead as she frowned in her sleep. My mom was getting older, I noticed when I looked at the gray sprinkling her hair. I grabbed a blanket and tucked it around her, and she shifted slightly to get under it.

I watched for a moment before going in to my room and crawling under my own covers, just listening to the sound of Clarissa’s slow, steady breaths.

Two days later, on Thursday night, I called Isaac to check if maybe our date on Friday was canceled. When he picked up the phone, before I could even say hello, I heard a voice in the background yelling, “Izzy! Come finish the game with me!”

I heard Isaac laugh and yell back, “Hold on Kels! I have to take this!”

My mind was racing. The only thing I could think was that he was cheating on me. My heart ripped in to tiny shreds as Isaac’s voice came through the phone, “Hello? Hello…?”

I whispered, “Forget about Friday,” and hung up the phone. I had just gone in to the kitchen when the phone rang, loud and giving me a headache. I picked it up, and heard Isaac. “Sarah? Hello? Was that you? What the hell is going on?” The voice came again from the background, shriller and more irritated.

“Izzy come on!”

“Give me one second Kelsey!”

I blinked my tears away, replacing them with anger. “So, is she coming on our double date on Friday, or just me?”

“W-w-what? Who?”

“Do you have a girlfriend Isaac?”

“IZZY!”

“Yes I have a girlfriend. You!”

“I WANT TO PLAY!”

“HOLD ON KELSEY!”

“Then who is Kelsey?”

Isaac’s voice came back through the phone, razor sharp and low. “You mean my eight year old niece Kelsey? Wow Sarah. I’m so glad you cant trust me.”

My mouth dropped as I realized the severity of my mistake. “Oh my god Isaac. I can’t believe I just… I’m sorry. I feel really stupid. I was just kind of jealous…”

“Kind of?” Isaac asked bitterly.

“I’m really sorry, please don’t be upset with me,” I pleaded.

He sighed. “It’s okay. Whatever. I’ll see you tomorrow right?”

“Yes! Totally.”

We hung up, and I jumped up and down, happy to be forgiven. Friday night came quickly, and even though I was happy to be forgiven I was a little nervous as well. I had never been on a double date. But I got ready excitedly, in a casual but cute mini-dress and flip-flops. I even got a fresh bikini wax, just in case.

When I got to Isaac’s, he opened the door for me and blinded me with his outfit and looks. His curly black hair was slightly rumpled, and he was wearing a t-shirt showing off muscle, along with light jeans and bare feet. He looked amazing.

I walked in, and found the usual college air to the place. Beer cans strewn around, two mismatched couches around a small flat screen, and old food lying around.

Isaac smiled. “Hey babe, you look great.” He kissed me quickly, then led me to the kitchen where another guy and girl were standing. The guy, who I assumed was Joe, fist pumped when I came in to the room.

“Finally, Isaac brings home a girl. And she’s cute too. I’m Joe, nice to meet you.” I smiled graciously and giggled when I saw the blush creeping up Isaac’s face. Joe was good-looking, and his girlfriend was really pretty.

She gave me a hug, and said, “Hi, I’m Lex. So cool to meet you.”

I replied, “Same. I’m Sarah. I love your outfit!”

She grinned. “Oh, this old thing? Please. But thanks! You look fab.”

I felt myself completely relax. “Thanks! So what movie are we watching?”

Ten minutes later, we were surrounding the T.V., Joe and Lex on one couch, Isaac and I on the other. Talking and making conversation was a lot simpler then I thought, and snuggling with Isaac watching a horror movie wasn’t so bad either.

The movie was terrifying, which just gave me more reason to curl in to Isaac. When the movie was over, Lex and Joe started hooking up on the other couch, and Isaac got up and led me to his room. He high-fived Joe as he walked past and my stomach started churning, but it was churning with excitement.

I excused myself to the bathroom, freshened up, and checked my breath. Once I was ready, I slowly but happily walked back in to Isaac’s room. He was lying on his bed, shirtless. I climbed in next to him and he kissed me. We lay cuddling for a while, no one making a move.

After a while, he kissed me slow, but hard, and moved his lips down my body, starting to pull off my dress. It slipped off easily, exposing my thighs, my stomach, my chest. He pulled out a condom and I tugged at his jeans, him doing the same to my underwear.

It was slow, and gentle. It was nothing like I had ever experienced. Isaac handled me like a porcelain doll, and he knew what he was doing. And when it was over, I cared. I didn’t want it to end. And then we were spooning, falling asleep with his arms around me.

When I woke up, the clock flashed 3:14AM. Isaac was sleeping, arms still around me, breathing deeply. I panicked, and flew out of our comfortable position, jolting Isaac awake. He looked around and groggily said, “Sarah? Wha’s goin’ on?”

I ran around, gathering clothes and throwing them on. “It’s almost 3:30! I’m fucked. Completely fucked.”

Isaac laughed. “Yeah, that was last night Sarah.”

I whipped a pillow at him. “Stop it.”

He laughed again and I started for the door. “No, wait Sarah. Just stay.”

I bit my lip. “I really want to. But I can’t, I’ll be murdered if I do. That was amazing. I’ll see you later?”

Isaac rolled over, pouting. “Alright. See you later…” And he was asleep again. I waved and darted through the living room, where a snoring Joe lay on the couch, Lex on top of him, topless.

I sped home, knowing what was going to happen next. I would be screamed at, glared at, and yelled at for the next hour. But I was wrong. When I walked in, my mom was just sitting on the couch, holding Clarissa, who was sleeping.

When she saw me, she just handed me Clarissa and muttered, “G’nite.” Shit. I didn’t know what to think, but it wasn’t good.