You Can't Break My Heart If It's Already Made of Stone

When we sat down to dinner the next night, my mom dropped the bomb on me. “Sarah, I think it would be a good idea that when Clarissa turns two, you start thinking about…” She shook her head. “Finding a place of your own.”

I gaped. “What?”

My mom sighed. “Look, Sarah, I love you. More then you can know. But you’re going to be turning 22 a month later, and maybe you should try being a little more independent. Last night really showed me that you need to learn a little responsibility, and by 22, most children are out of the house.”

I screamed back at her, “Independent? Newsflash Mom, I was ‘independent’ for almost 18 years of my life seeing as how you and Dad basically ignored me. My only friend was a cat that Dad killed. You attempted suicide, and then I was hated for it until I actually run away. But you know what, you’re right. I should move out. And don’t let me put you through the torture of another year Mom. I’ll be out by the end of the month. No big deal.”

I could tell by the look on my mom’s face that I had hurt her really deep. But I really didn’t care. I took Clarissa and the newspaper in to my room, leaving my Mom sitting at the dining table.

When I got in to my room I put Clarissa down on her play mat and scanned the realty section. There was a one-bedroom apartment a couple blocks away, and it said, ‘available to rent at any time’. It looked worth checking out.

After talking to the landlord on the phone, I had an appointment to check out the apartment the next day. Isaac called me to say hi and plan another date, and I invited him to come with. He agreed happily, and also told me we had reservations for dinner next Thursday. That was our three month anniversary, I was so happy he remembered.

We went to look at the apartment, and I thought it was really nice. It was airy, and spacious, and in a nice building. I liked it a lot, but for some reason, Isaac decided he didn’t. Not yet, anyway. He said I should wait a little bit. I relented, but kept the apartment in mind.

The outing was also really nice because it was Isaac’s first meeting with Clarissa. He seemed to really like her, and she responded well to him, playing and smiling and giggling.

I told Isaac that I was going to be out by the end of the month and he looked a little nervous for a second. But then his face cleared and he said, “Oh. That’s cool. Pretty soon.”

I wondered what he was up to, but I decided not to ask him because the day was so perfect. Isaac liked Clarissa, Clarissa liked Isaac, I loved Isaac, and Isaac… liked me. That was something that was nagging at my mind. I thought Isaac should have said I love you by now, but I wasn’t sure. I loved him, but I figured he didn’t love me, seeing as how he wouldn’t say it. Hopefully I wouldn’t have to wait much longer.

The next night my mom and I had a talk. “Sarah, I love you, and it’s not that I want you to leave, I just think it might be better for you. But there’s no reason to go by the end of the month!”

I forgave my mom completely. “I know Mom. No worries. But I already found a place I like, and I think I will be out by the end of the month.”

My mom nodded curtly and pursed her lips. “If that’s what you want.”

On Thursday night, I was preparing for dinner with Isaac. I had on a black, short halter dress, black pumps, and a pearl necklace. I finished putting on my lipstick and said goodbye to Clarissa and my mom.

Isaac was waiting for me downstairs, in his shiny black Mercedes. He had dressed up too, sporting slacks and a button down shirt. He kissed me when I got in the car, making me falter a little bit. He grinned while I regained my composure, then took my hand tightly. “Ready?” I nodded, grinning as well.

We sped off towards ‘The Golden Carpe’; a fancy restaurant that I knew was extremely expensive. We got the only table out on the veranda, and I shivered slightly. The air was cool for early June. Isaac, noticing my chill, slid easily out of his jacket and slipped it over my shoulders sweetly.

While we waited for appetizers, Isaac took my hand and said, “Sarah. I don’t really know hot to say this, but, okay here it goes. I love you.” I gasped a little. I had dreamed about the moment he was finally going to say it, and now that he did, my mind was blanking! What should I say?

I smiled at him carefully and took a drink of water. Isaac’s smile was beginning to fade with each passing second, and finally my mind produced something other then emptiness. “I love you too. More then you know.” Isaac’s smile raced back to his face, renewed and brighter then ever.

Isaac took my hand and said, “Okay. Wow. I’m glad I finally said. But, I, I, want you to meet my parents. I want my family to know you, I want to know yours, I just, I want to share my life with you, and part of that means we need to be together more. Much, much more.” He pulled out a little box. My heart began to pound. Was he proposing? I was not ready yet.

But Isaac didn’t get down on one knee. He just slid over the little box. I opened it cautiously, wondering what it could be. Inside the box was a key. I took it out and looked at Isaac quizzically.

He pulled out an identical key and said, “These are keys to our new apartment. The one we looked at last weekend. I signed the papers yesterday, and it’s ours, if you’ll move in with me. Clarissa too. Every night we can tell each other something about ourselves, until we know everything, and there’s nothing left to tell. After that we’ll make our own memories.”

My eyes welled up with tears, then the dam broke and I flat our cried. I got up as Isaac did, and hugged him. “Of course I will,” I whispered. He kissed me and I wiped my eyes, smudging my mascara for sure. We sat down and I smiled through my tears.

Was this for real? Any second I was waiting to wake up from this coma-length dream. It seemed so serious for a college relationship, but at the same time it was what I wanted. Someone I loved to settle down with. Someone who loved both me and my baby. And here he was. Right in front of me.

Something that felt like doubt bubbled up inside of me, but I pushed it down in to my toes. What good is doubt?

The rest of the night was magical. Isaac took me to the park, where there was a gorgeous fountain show going on. When he drove me home, we sat outside my apartment in his car and talked. He wanted to know more about me, and he started with my parents.

“So, Sarah, when do I get to meet your parents? I figure I have to eventually. What are they like? They know about me right?”

I hesitated for a second, knowing that this would come eventually, I just wasn’t ready right then. “I live with my mom, who is amazing, and yes, she knows about you. You can meet her any time, and, as for my dad, well, we don’t really keep in contact with him anymore.”

Isaac frowned. “Any… uh… specific reason?” I nodded slowly.

“Okay, so, when I was nine, my mom attempted suicide. I couldn’t figure out why, and my dad pretended he didn’t know either. Little did I know, he was beating my mom every time they fought, which I only found out a couple of years ago, when my mom and I ran away, the night they found out I was pregnant. Not to mention my dad “didn’t know why my mom attempted suicide”, so he blamed it on me and made my life miserable for about nine years. And that is my life story wrapped up in a few sentences.” I took a big breath and watched Isaac closely.

He wrapped me in a huge hug, and I smiled in to his shoulder. “Sarah,” he whispered. “I am so sorry. I had no idea.”

I whispered back, “Don’t be sorry. You couldn’t have known. That was a long time ago, and I am so much happier now.”

He kissed my ear. “Good.”

We pulled away and he kissed me again, this time on my lips, soft but hard at the same time, if that’s even possible. I asked him, “So, how about your parents?”

He told me all about their country house in the next state over, and how they were both very excited to meet me. They sounded like really nice people the way Isaac described them, especially his mom, who apparently made the worlds best apple pie. He wanted to go out and see them in a couple of weeks, after we had moved in and settled.

And then he dropped a bombshell on me. “Look Sarah, there’s one other thing. You know that I love you, and Clarissa very much but… I think it would be better if we didn’t bring her to see my parents.”

I felt my protective parent instinct kick in, and anger rose up through my body. “What? Why? Did you not tell your parents that you’re dating a young slut with a baby that’s not yours? Or maybe you’re ashamed to be with me. Is that it? Ashamed I have a daughter? Well guess what Isaac? If you love me, you love all of me and my family, including my daughter, enough to want to show us off. Just because I got knocked up at 18 doesn’t make me worthless, and it’s not Clarissa’s fault. Understand that. She came first.”

I was yelling by the end, and would have stormed out of the car if Isaac hadn’t pulled me back. “Okay, Sarah, that’s enough. There’s no need for this. I never said you were worthless, and I love you and Clarissa. You should know that. And you should also know that I’m not ashamed of you at all. My parents just… have high expectations is all. Oh, and on the subject of all of this, I would love to know who the baby daddy is.”

I looked away. “You know I don’t like talking about it.”

Isaac’s voice came out bitter and sarcastic, “Oh, Sarah, please, I beg you. Enlighten me.”

“I don’t know why this matters, but fine Isaac, if you must know, it was some guy who went to my high school. No one important, and we don’t keep in contact. It wasn’t anything special. Are you happy now?”

Isaac spat back, “Why would I be happy about that? You had sex with another guy.”

I shook my head. “Jesus, Isaac. Yes I had sex with another guy. But not while we were dating! Are you telling me you were a virgin when we started going out? Because I wasn’t expecting you to be, and I didn’t know you had those expectations of me.”

He looked down and whispered, “Did you love him?”

“Did you love her?”

“I asked you first.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“I didn’t either.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I looked at him. “So, I guess that’s it then?”

He nodded. “I guess. I’ll talk to you later.”