You Can't Break My Heart If It's Already Made of Stone
Chapter 4
The next morning, I gave my mom a hug before I left. It didn’t feel good. It didn’t feel bad, either. Just different. My dad, as usual, just watched and scowled.
I headed towards Berkeley Avenue, trying to calm my jumpy nerves. I was just going to check it out. Nothing else. I rounded the corner to Berkeley Avenue and immediately found the building marked 482. It wasn’t very big, just a small, one-story brick building.
I went inside, expecting a clean, white, doctor-like waiting room. But instead there was a small room with purple walls and comfy chairs. A cool looking twenty-something year old was sitting behind a bright blue desk, picking a new song on the iPod that blasted really cool music through the speakers all around the room.
I went over to the girl, trying my best to look confident but feeling my legs tremble under me. The girl smiled. “Hi, I’m Natasha. What’s up?”
I cleared my throat. “Um. Hi. I’m Sarah. I saw your flyer.”
Natasha nodded. “I totally understand. Hold on a sec. You can grab a seat.” I sat down in a plushy yellow chair while Natasha pushed an intercom button and said in to it, “Yo, Ellie. Someone’s here to see you.”
A moment later, a door to my right opened and woman a little older then Natasha walked out, a warm smile on her face. “Hi, I’m Eleanor. How are you?”
I shook her outstretched hand and said, “I’m Sarah. I’m alright thank you, how are you?”
Eleanor laughed, a quiet, tinkly sound. “I’m alright. Why don’t you step in to my office?” I nodded and followed Eleanor tentatively in to her office. She gestured to a seat and I sat down, examining the office. It wasn’t very big, only a little bigger then the waiting room, and there was one big chair, where Eleanor was sitting, and one loveseat, where I was sitting. On the desk on the opposite wall were pictures. From where I was sitting I could make out a couple pictures. In all of them, Eleanor was smiling with a young man by her side, and I was guessing it was her husband. In a few pictures, Eleanor was holding a little baby, who I was guessing was her newborn child.
Eleanor snapped me out of my daze. “At the risk of sounding rude, I’d love to know who you are.”
I replied. “I’m Sarah. Sarah Williams. And… I’m not okay.”
Eleanor looked at me with a concerned look on her face. “Why is that Sarah?” As I looked in to this woman’s kind eyes, I wanted nothing more then to tell her. To let it all out. I really did. But I couldn’t. Something was holding me back. And before I could object, my legs got up and ran out of the room.
I kept running, past Natasha, out the door of the building, and didn’t stop until I got home. I couldn’t go inside, but I went in to the garage, sat on a lawn chair, and sobbed.
Why did I think a therapist could help? No one could help. I couldn’t insert myself in to a new, normal family. I was alone. Brandi could help me calm down, but when it got right down to it, she was a cat.
Over the months, the numb feeling intensified. I went to school and came home. I slept and woke up. I didn’t leave the house except for school, and soon, all my happy thoughts and memories just sort of faded. I knew they were there somewhere, but I didn’t care enough to drag them out of the bottom of my mind.
My fifteenth birthday passed like any other day. I was in high school then, and as usual, there was no recognition, no words, except for the happy birthday from my mom. It was the day after my fifteenth birthday that finally made me feel something. And it was the single worst feeling I had ever felt.
It was a regular Saturday. I went downstairs for a glass of water, and Brandi was in the living room chasing a moving patch of sunlight. My dad had gone to the store to get groceries, and when he came back, he left the front door open to bring in the bags.
The next thing I knew, Brandi had dashed out the door, still following her patch of sun. As I ran after her, she chased it in to the street. A car came speeding down the street, and I could see immediately Brandi was dead. Just like that.
I ran to the street screaming, not believe what had just happened. My head swam, and bright lights filled my eyes. The next thing I knew, I had fallen, my head resting on grass. Then I blacked out.
I headed towards Berkeley Avenue, trying to calm my jumpy nerves. I was just going to check it out. Nothing else. I rounded the corner to Berkeley Avenue and immediately found the building marked 482. It wasn’t very big, just a small, one-story brick building.
I went inside, expecting a clean, white, doctor-like waiting room. But instead there was a small room with purple walls and comfy chairs. A cool looking twenty-something year old was sitting behind a bright blue desk, picking a new song on the iPod that blasted really cool music through the speakers all around the room.
I went over to the girl, trying my best to look confident but feeling my legs tremble under me. The girl smiled. “Hi, I’m Natasha. What’s up?”
I cleared my throat. “Um. Hi. I’m Sarah. I saw your flyer.”
Natasha nodded. “I totally understand. Hold on a sec. You can grab a seat.” I sat down in a plushy yellow chair while Natasha pushed an intercom button and said in to it, “Yo, Ellie. Someone’s here to see you.”
A moment later, a door to my right opened and woman a little older then Natasha walked out, a warm smile on her face. “Hi, I’m Eleanor. How are you?”
I shook her outstretched hand and said, “I’m Sarah. I’m alright thank you, how are you?”
Eleanor laughed, a quiet, tinkly sound. “I’m alright. Why don’t you step in to my office?” I nodded and followed Eleanor tentatively in to her office. She gestured to a seat and I sat down, examining the office. It wasn’t very big, only a little bigger then the waiting room, and there was one big chair, where Eleanor was sitting, and one loveseat, where I was sitting. On the desk on the opposite wall were pictures. From where I was sitting I could make out a couple pictures. In all of them, Eleanor was smiling with a young man by her side, and I was guessing it was her husband. In a few pictures, Eleanor was holding a little baby, who I was guessing was her newborn child.
Eleanor snapped me out of my daze. “At the risk of sounding rude, I’d love to know who you are.”
I replied. “I’m Sarah. Sarah Williams. And… I’m not okay.”
Eleanor looked at me with a concerned look on her face. “Why is that Sarah?” As I looked in to this woman’s kind eyes, I wanted nothing more then to tell her. To let it all out. I really did. But I couldn’t. Something was holding me back. And before I could object, my legs got up and ran out of the room.
I kept running, past Natasha, out the door of the building, and didn’t stop until I got home. I couldn’t go inside, but I went in to the garage, sat on a lawn chair, and sobbed.
Why did I think a therapist could help? No one could help. I couldn’t insert myself in to a new, normal family. I was alone. Brandi could help me calm down, but when it got right down to it, she was a cat.
Over the months, the numb feeling intensified. I went to school and came home. I slept and woke up. I didn’t leave the house except for school, and soon, all my happy thoughts and memories just sort of faded. I knew they were there somewhere, but I didn’t care enough to drag them out of the bottom of my mind.
My fifteenth birthday passed like any other day. I was in high school then, and as usual, there was no recognition, no words, except for the happy birthday from my mom. It was the day after my fifteenth birthday that finally made me feel something. And it was the single worst feeling I had ever felt.
It was a regular Saturday. I went downstairs for a glass of water, and Brandi was in the living room chasing a moving patch of sunlight. My dad had gone to the store to get groceries, and when he came back, he left the front door open to bring in the bags.
The next thing I knew, Brandi had dashed out the door, still following her patch of sun. As I ran after her, she chased it in to the street. A car came speeding down the street, and I could see immediately Brandi was dead. Just like that.
I ran to the street screaming, not believe what had just happened. My head swam, and bright lights filled my eyes. The next thing I knew, I had fallen, my head resting on grass. Then I blacked out.