Unfixable

What the fuck was running through my mind early this morning around 1 o'clock? I'd love to know that. Closure? I'm not going to get my closure, he's not going to care enough to respond. No, he only cares about himself and his fucking dope! Oh, how I wish I could loathe him instead of love him. He broke my heart and then walked away without so much as a single goodbye. I just need my closure but now he's going to see me as a pathetic needy teenager. But he lied!! HE wanted to keep in touch. HE wanted to come get me once I turned 17. But I was the one who wrote to him. And I was the one who agreed. I'M the one who fell to fall on my face. HE is the one who does not care. I'M the one who has been hurt. And it sucks. It's been six months and I'm still thinking about it. I had erased the emails in hope of forgetting him and everything that went with him. But that didn't work. Because here I am six months later with my heart still on my sleeve, opening myself up to him for more hurt. I just need to know that in some way he was affected. I need to know he feels remorse or... hurt? But silly me, why would he be hurt? He didn't really care about me, I was just another pawn in his game. I lost. What was I thinking, how could I ever think he truly loved me the way he said he did. He is the reason it's hard for me to believe Adam when he says he loves me. He's the reason I'm scared to death that Brad is just lying and will walk away. He's the reason I can't trust Brad enough to tell him this. I hate it. I want to tell Brad, but... I don't want to seem broken or vulnerable. I just want to be happy again. And for that to happen I need closure... The closure I shall never get because he does not care and I was stupid enough to think he did.