Unfixable
I Fudged Up
I never thought I could become so... easy. I never thought I'd ever hurt Brad. But I did. Saturday night turned from amazing to full of regrets in a matter of about... two hours. I had been hanging with Brad since around 5 and we were at the basketball court. Frank was with us. I hadn't seen Frank since he came around two years ago. I was catching up with him until he had to leave. Then it was just me and Brad. I liked it like that. We could talk about anything and everything. I had confessed that I liked him. I told him all of my feelings and I got all mushy and stuff. But he was even mushier when he confessed to liking me too. Way more than I would have guessed. A few days earlier he had helped me record a New Moon Parody for Computer Music Tech Class. He played Jacob and I was Bella for the scenes Vicki didn't want to be. It turned out great. And after we kissed. His lips were so soft and they felt right on mine. But anyways back to Saturday.
We were flirting way more than usual. We were looking at the stars and trying to find Polaris, the northern star. He got a call and was invited to a party. By now its around 10:30. So I didn't mind him going. He stayed for a bit trying to find a ride. He called and texted everyone he had in his phone. Finally he found someone. So we flirted and kissed each other good night... Like ten times. Not that I minded. Once I was home I checked some messages on Facebook. Adam wanted to chill. I agreed and we hung out on my porch. He supposedly "loves" me. And he's not happy that I like Brad. He asked me how much I really like Brad. I was honest and told him a lot. Way more than I should. He told me that if I wanted to get close to Brad and get to know him, then I wouldn't see him around. Pretty much he was making me choose between them. I hated it. I didn't want to lose Adam as a friend and I didn't want to lose a chance with Brad. That night I lost both... Adam and I were talking and we were talking about random things. At some point his hands went in my pants. And I let him. I could have stopped him and I should have. But I didn't. I hated myself for that after he left. Which he left right after that. I should have listened to everyone when they told me he just wanted to get in my pants. That night was pretty much him working his way up. I messaged him the next morning telling him last night shouldn't have happened and that I was choosing Brad. I messaged Brad saying we needed to talk. We were supposed to hang out that day but he couldn't come. He was helping his mom around the house. So I messaged him everything that happened. I told him how sorry I was and that if I could take it back I would. He didn't hate me. He was hurt and mad and thought I was selfish. He didn't think I was a whore like I thought I was. He said "You're fifth teen and I think you don't know what you want. And that's fine. But that's not what I'm looking for." I told him I knew what I wanted. I told him I wanted to be with him and only him. After days of apologizing things started to get better. He started calling me hun and darling again. He was talking to me about anything again. He was telling me his problems.
I never thought I could be one of the girls I hated. One of the girls that broke guys' hearts. And I'm not. There's a difference between the girls I hate and me. I was actually sorry about it. I actually regretted it. But I still fudged up.
We were flirting way more than usual. We were looking at the stars and trying to find Polaris, the northern star. He got a call and was invited to a party. By now its around 10:30. So I didn't mind him going. He stayed for a bit trying to find a ride. He called and texted everyone he had in his phone. Finally he found someone. So we flirted and kissed each other good night... Like ten times. Not that I minded. Once I was home I checked some messages on Facebook. Adam wanted to chill. I agreed and we hung out on my porch. He supposedly "loves" me. And he's not happy that I like Brad. He asked me how much I really like Brad. I was honest and told him a lot. Way more than I should. He told me that if I wanted to get close to Brad and get to know him, then I wouldn't see him around. Pretty much he was making me choose between them. I hated it. I didn't want to lose Adam as a friend and I didn't want to lose a chance with Brad. That night I lost both... Adam and I were talking and we were talking about random things. At some point his hands went in my pants. And I let him. I could have stopped him and I should have. But I didn't. I hated myself for that after he left. Which he left right after that. I should have listened to everyone when they told me he just wanted to get in my pants. That night was pretty much him working his way up. I messaged him the next morning telling him last night shouldn't have happened and that I was choosing Brad. I messaged Brad saying we needed to talk. We were supposed to hang out that day but he couldn't come. He was helping his mom around the house. So I messaged him everything that happened. I told him how sorry I was and that if I could take it back I would. He didn't hate me. He was hurt and mad and thought I was selfish. He didn't think I was a whore like I thought I was. He said "You're fifth teen and I think you don't know what you want. And that's fine. But that's not what I'm looking for." I told him I knew what I wanted. I told him I wanted to be with him and only him. After days of apologizing things started to get better. He started calling me hun and darling again. He was talking to me about anything again. He was telling me his problems.
I never thought I could be one of the girls I hated. One of the girls that broke guys' hearts. And I'm not. There's a difference between the girls I hate and me. I was actually sorry about it. I actually regretted it. But I still fudged up.