Terribly Fixated on You

Lesson number one; make sure you smile.

You can live your whole life in complete misery, but if you don't want anybody to know that then you better keep those pearly whites showing. There are way too many people these days who have the ability to annoy you with every little idiotic thing that they do, and you know what you have to do? You have to live with it. It doesn't matter how messed up you are or how bad your life seems to be, when you have decent friends, they always want to hear you out.

It's definitely not a bad thing having amazing friends around to keep you company and hell, to even actually have you laughing sometimes, but when you don't want to talk about your personal life, I wish they would just take the hint. Take the hint; what is it with people and just not getting it? You could wave a sign in front of their face in big bold letters saying 'fuck off' and they still wouldn't get it.

"Just drop it, Janet." I said irritated. I can honestly say that I don't mean to be such a bitch, I just come across that way. The thing with Janet though, is that she puts up with my crap. I'm not a horrible friend to her; she's my best friend, but I'm sure as hell not all sunshine and rainbows towards her. We have been through so much together and I'll always be there for her, even when I'm not such a joy to be around.

Apparently it's a horrible thing to keep your personal life to yourself. I think that if it's your personal life then no one deserves the right to even ask you about it. Apparently I'm wrong though. Apparently, by keeping things to yourself, you're bottling up all of your anger and creating an unhealthy way with dealing with your problems. Well excuse me, I don't see it written anywhere that I absolutely have to tell at least one person my entire life in detail.

"This is why you don't have a boyfriend. You are way to cynical." Janet said as she finished grabbing her homework from her locker. She closed the door to it and we walked outside to my car. The reason why I didn't have a boyfriend was simply because I didn't want one. Do you know how many girls end up hurt or getting their asses kicked by some jealous bitch? It's just so damn ridiculous and I really don't need that in my life right now. Boys equal drama and drama is not needed at all.

"I've been smiling more than anyone in the entire school all day today. I hardly call that cynical." And it was true. Things were a little mixed up at home and I didn't want to worry about it. Sure my pathetic smiling may have been fake but it wasn't like anybody noticed. I doubt even Janet noticed that it was just an attempt of trying to forget something I didn't feel like remembering. She's been going on and on about how we have to throw this huge bash at my house this weekend but I don't want to. I don't want a bunch of people stampeding through my house and wrecking everything.

"Yeah, you did seem unusually happy today, for once." Like I said; she wouldn't notice. I smiled at her again before parting ways and driving out of the school parking lot. I knew she would be calling me on my cell later and giving me more reasons to have the party at my house and I thought it was rather stupid of her for trying. She knew that I didn't like it when people came over to my house. She was the only person that I knew who was allowed inside. The rest of the people who are allowed inside are either my mom's boyfriend or her guests.

My mom's boyfriend wasn't someone that I disliked. I was actually sort of close with him. Of course he will never replace my father, but he's been kind of like a father figure to me ever since I was 8 years old. My fathers death took a toll on my whole family, even my mom's boyfriend. They had been seeing each other for a few years before and my father and Greg - the boyfriend - seemed to have some weird brotherly bond. I always know that if I need anything, I can count on Greg.

I parked the car into my driveway and sat there staring at my house for a little bit before getting out. The crack in my bedroom window was still there from when my dad and I were throwing baseballs and I always find myself looking at it. It's a comfort thing really. I don't like getting rid of things that have meaning to them and so that's why that crack is still there; 10 years later.

I opened the new freshly painted white door and walked inside the place I call home. It was strangely quiet and I found myself thinking of horrible things that could have happened. My mother was always home when I got home and Greg was usually eating his afternoon snack in the kitchen making as much noise as possible. I continued listening for a good minute and a half before letting my mind go wild with all of the things that could have happened.

"Hello?" I said as I walked through the house. No answer. "Hello?" I said again, but this time louder. No answer. I tend to worry too much about really simple things ever since my dad died and I may have been over reacting right now, but my brain wasn't exactly taking that into consideration at the moment.

I hated being in empty houses. I mean, I could be in my house alone, but only if I knew that everyone was alright first. My mom knows that too, so maybe she left a note. I walked into the kitchen and searched around for a piece of paper she might have written on but I found nothing. I started to panic. I'm pretty sure I have some sort of decease.

"Mom?!" No answer, "Greg?!" No answer. I walked out to the backyard and shouted some more. "Mom?!" This time I heard things. I heard the soft wind and the grass beneath my feet. And faintly, I could hear some happy chit chat coming from next door. I went up to the gate and stepped on my tippy toes just enough until I could see over it.

I just stood there staring over the fence at my mom and Greg in disbelief. I was mostly just frustrated with myself for getting so worked up. I needed therapy or something. I can't say that I've ever heard of worrying as much as I worry. I felt relief wash over me, but still I was pissed. After all, she still could have left a note.

"Oh honey, come over here for a minute. You won't believe who's moved here." My mom said waving me over. I wasn't sure whether or not to jump the fence or politely walk over and around to the back. I just stood there hesitant for a second before stepping on the middle ledge of the fence and hopping over.

I knew that the house next door to us was sold, but I didn't think the people were ever going to move in. The sold sign had been on the front lawn for over three months now and I was beginning to think that I was just seeing things. It doesn't take that long to move in and out of a house. I don't think anyways.

"You could have walked around." She said as I walked closer and closer towards her. My converse were keeping my feet over heated by the sun because they were so black. I was glad that I decided to wear shorts and a t-shirt today, otherwise I would have had a heat stroke.

"That way was quicker." I said shrugging. That was when I noticed Hillary McGregory standing there in her faded blue jeans and her loose pink shirt. She sure had aged quite a bit since I was nine. Mrs. McGregory has known me my whole life and I will always remember how she used to watch her son Tyler and I make bagels in the morning bickering after a sleepover. My mom and her used to always sit there and talk about how Tyler and I would get married when we were older. If Mrs. McGregory was here than that means that Tyler must be here too.

"My little sugar muffin, you've grown so much." Mrs. McGregory squealed as she pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back tightly and smiled for real this time. I missed her and Mr. McGregory. I missed Tyler too. We were attached at the hip when we were younger. They moved away when Tyler and I were nine and we all just sort of lost contact with each other.

"How are you?" I asked more so to be polite than anything else. I wanted to go find Tyler. I remember the day he left so clearly. That day was the first and only kiss we ever had. I remember laughing and calling him gross but at the same time being ecstatic that he was brave enough to just lean in and plant one on me.

"I'm very good. Your mother has been telling me all about you. It's good that you're doing so well. Tyler's just upstairs in his room unpacking if you want to go find him." I smiled at her and hugged her again before heading towards the back door. She knew me so well, I had totally forgotten about that part. I had changed but some of my nine year old self must be left inside me. I reached the door and finally I stepped inside.