Terribly Fixated on You

There comes a time in every kids life when you start to look at your mom and think "I guess I'm not the only fucked up one in the family". At least I think that there's a time like that for every kid. There was for me anyways.

I was just sitting there on the kitchen counter eating some "Honey Nut Cheerios" without any milk when my mom hopped through the kitchen like it was no big deal. She was actually hopping. Full on, two feet jumping at the same time, knees bent and everything. I didn't know whether to be frightened or to just laugh.

I pretended like I hadn't seen what I just saw and continued eating my cheerios in peace. I was on my sixth cheerio when my mom came hopping back through the kitchen again. This time she had her teeth bucked out like a bunny and was pretending to sniff everything.

"Hunny, hunny! Look at me, I'm a wabbit!" My mom yelled at me, this time stopping in front of me instead of just continuing on. I hopped off the counter and investigated her. She was still sticking her teeth out. I was debating on calling the psyche ward to be honest.

"It's rabbit, mom. And what's the matter with you anyways?" I said crossing my arms and staring at her for an answer. Just then she let out a big burp and I knew exactly what was wrong with her. Once I caught a whiff of her breath there was no doubt about it. "Are you drunk, mom?"

She tilted her head to the side and let out a little laugh. I could tell that she was embarrassed but too drunk to care. I hadn't seen my mother drunk in years. She always claimed to never have the time for fun anymore. It seemed a little bit ridiculous to me, but she never listens to me.

"Hillary bought this new liquor tonight and wanted to try it. I'm fine, darling. Don't you worry a wittle hair on your head." She said tapping the top of my head. Figures that Hillary would get her drinking again. Tyler was a lot like his mom in that way. He knows how to make a day fun without having anything planned at all.

"God mom, you're so embarrassing. Dad would be so proud." I knew that the second I had let those few joking words slip out, I was now entered into a conversation I did not feel like having.

"Speaking of your father. I really think that you should come see him tombstone this year. It'll be good for you." She seemed to have forgotten our conversation a couple of weeks ago. She just wouldn't stop; not when it came to my dad's tombstone.

"Drop the subject, mom. I mean it." I could feel the coldness in my own voice. It was a lot harsher than when I normally told her to back off. She seemed taken aback by this. I wasn't sure if it was because she was drunk or because she was litterally surprised.

"One day, Reese. One day you are going to look back and be extremely upset about this." Did she not get it? I didn't want to go. I wasn't going to regret it. My dad no longer existed, his tombstone was nothing but a large stone that people visited. My dad wasn't there. He never would be.

"Yeah, well. I doubt that." I said shoving past her and into the living room. After a few minutes of her standing there I assume, I heard her sigh and then her footsteps trailed down the hallway and out the back door to meet up with, who I guess, was Hillary.

Maybe my mom really did think that by going to visit my dad's tombstone, it would somehow make me feel better. Maybe she figured that by having something to replace even just a tiny part of him would be something that could hold me all together.

The truth with me though is that I can barely hold it all together as it is. A stone with my dad's name on it is not going to mend my broken heart. It's not going to heal the pain in my chest whenever I think about him.

It felt like I was going to have to go through this with my mom a hundred more times before the day comes to visit him. It usually took my mom once or twice to get the hint and realize that I wasn't going to be going. This time though, seemed different. It didn't feel like she was going to give up that easily.

There's a little over a month left before his anniversary, and the closer the day got, the more cold I became toward those around me. It was just on instinct. I was fine when I wasn't thinking about any of it. Greg knows not to bother me about it, he asks maybe once for my mom's sake, but that's about it.

I started to think back to the day my dad told me that the sun was a star. It's something that everybody grows up to learn when they're older and in science class, but to me, that was a life altering moment. I couldn't tell you why exactly. I was just really upset one day and my dad wanted to cheer me up. We usually stuck with sports on days like that but this time he thought that since it was dark out and I was missing the sun, that I would appreciate that little bit of truth. And I did.

I remember finding it so fascinating. It felt like if the sun was a star, a massive star that could be seen from so far away, then anything could shine just as bright. That I could shine just as bright. My dad used to always tell me that I was just like the sun. I was fiery and fierce but I could warm anybodies heart. I wasn't sure if he'd say the same thing now, but I knew that I could say that about him. He always knew how to make you smile, or the right things to say to get you out of a bad mood. I think that's why he and my mom clicked so well at first. Those days were all over though. He and my mom, me and the sun, all of it. It was starting to disappear even before he died, but his death just made it seem more realistic. Like a wake up call; welcome to reality girl, nothing's as beautiful as he made it sound.

I flipped through the channels of the TV, not sure what to watch. I just needed something to get my mind off of the building chaos gathering in my head. I wanted to scream, to hit something, anything. I wanted to feel numb, even for just a little while. I needed to feel numb.

I hated myself for saying that stupid comment to my mom and bringing up my dad. I should have known better than to mention his name in front of her. She never understood, she never would understand. I never talk to her about my dad, though she tries to force me too. I usually end up walking away or yelling at her. I think she thinks I need help. I don't though, I really don't.

I finally stopped at a movie channel. All of the movies they had scheduled to play though were too depressing for me. I was too down enough as it was, I needed something happy. I didn't feel like seeing anyone at all today and so I guess TV is my only option. I debated going to my room but then decided against it when I realized that that would require moving and I was too lazy and didn't have enough good mood energy to drag my butt upstairs.

I found myself thinking of Tyler and the email again. I knew that it was probably the worst time to be thinking about that seeing as I was already bummed out enough as it was but I couldn't help it. I really wanted to know why he didn't answer that email. There could have been millions of good reasons that he didn't, but what if there really wasn't a reason other than the fact that he no longer cared about me anymore?

"I don't know about you TV, but reality for me sucks."