Pregnant at 16. I Don't Think This Was in The Bible

I slumped in my seat. My tears were now clear. Hayden and I were sitting across from each other. Hayden on the bed and me on the rolling chair.

I let out a breath, “So what is it that we have to talk about?” I asked.

“Everything…” He muttered staring at his hands and twiddling his thumbs, “Its just, you haven’t really been yourself lately.”

“What do you mean Hayden?”

“It just seems that your putting your baby in front of everything. In front of friendship, having fun, even me. Every time we hang out or go on dates you always bring up a conversation about Harmony. When ever me, you, and Granger go out you always talk about buying things for her. Its like you don’t even think about us anymore.”

“What are you talking about Hayden?” I asked, “I barely even talk about Harmony when we go out.”

Hayden just gave me this look. Then he rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Wake up and smell the coffee girl. You basically pay no attention to Granger or me. The only things you’ve been so focused on is Harmony and Autumn. Much to my opinion I don’t think you should be spending so much time on Autumn. She’s just going to screw you over till she sucks you dry.” He took a deep breath and shook his head again.

I didn’t say anything, so he continued, “Its just like… Where’s the girl I met four months ago? Where’s the smart, witty, Christian girl? The girl who used to test every ability of everyone? The one who wasn’t afraid of anything? I miss that girl… the old Summerlynn. But don’t get me wrong Summer, I know about all the hormones. I know that you’re a crazy roller coaster of emotions right now. But I still miss that girl.” He muttered the last sentence and looked down at his hands again.

I shook my head and spoke softy. I didn’t want to fight with Hayden. “That girl is still here Hayden. I’m not going to make my hormones an excuse. Its just nothing has been the same. Its like ever since I went to that party my lucks changed. The only thing that hasn’t gone wrong is you…” Until now, I thought, “I understand how you miss the Summerlynn that was only a few months pregnant and very irritable. But this baby its changed me. I don’t know how or why. I have to change anyway, I have to be more mature. Like a grown up.” This time I shook my head and smiled.

“Summer, you don’t have to be mature just because you have a child. You’ve only turned 17 today. Just think if you start acting mature now, you’ve basically wasted your whole teenage years to caring for a baby that obviously your mother can take care of while your out having at lease some fun.”

“Hayden I can’t always have fun. I have a baby to raise. Just because my mom is around doesn’t mean I want her to take care of her. I know I have other things to do. I just want to be with Harmony… Is that to much to ask?”

“When your ignoring your friend and boyfriend yes it might be just a bit much.”

“But I’m not ignoring you!” I raised my voice a bit. “That’s the thing Hayden. I cant spend every single freaking minute with you. I cant spend every single minute with Granger. I cant spend a minute with Harmony. I cant do it all at once. I have responsibilities. Way more than just Harmony, you, and Granger. Sorry Hayden but I just cant do it.”

Hayden sighed and finally looked up at me. “I just don’t think I could do this… I don’t think I’m ready…”

Oh God… Please don’t say it… “Ready for what Hayden?” My voice cracked again. I just cant bare him saying it. I couldn’t bare him thinking it. Hell I cried just thinking it myself.

“I don’t know exactly. I don’t know if its because you’ve changed or what. I’m not ready to raise a child with you. Oh lets not forget that this child isn’t even mine. I cant even-”

I stopped Hayden mid-sentence, “Whoa, wait. Your not ready to raise a child with me?”

Hayden’s eyes got huge, as if I caught him in a big lie or something. “Summer, I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that I’m not ready to raise a child period. I’m only a twenty year old man Summer. I still have wants and needs.”

“Hayden, I’m a seventeen year old girl. You don’t think I have wants and needs also? I’m not saying that you have to be tied down to me for eternity and beyond. Heck you don’t even have to help me raise Harmony. You don’t have to do a damned thing. No ones making you do anything. It was all you Hayden. You who promised to help me. You who promised to stay by my side. You,” I turned in my swivel chair and grabbed the gift he gave me, “who promised forever.”

“Forever is a long fucking time Summerlynn. I just cant handle the crying. The diaper changing. The irritability. I cant handle all of this…” He shook his head then put his head in his hands.

“Just know that what ever you do. You do with me. Hayden I really… like you, a lot.” I just couldn’t say the word. Most people would call it the ‘L’ word. I just call it the word who shall not me mentioned. I couldn’t say it. I could probably say it before. But now that I’ve ‘changed’, as Hayden said, I don’t think I even believe in love.

If love was real then love wouldn’t that people away from each other. If love was real then there wouldn’t be divorces. If love was real the we would all have a soul mate. If love was real then we would have this messed up world we’re in now.

Hayden looked up slightly and rolled his eyes, “This is all moving to fast for me.”

“I’m sorry…” I muttered.

Hayden shook his head, “Don’t be. I think we need some time alone. Away from each other.” I watched as Hayden stared into my eyes. I couldn’t take it anymore. I turned away from him and stared at my blank computer on the desk.

A single tear fell from my right eye. I just shook my head to respond to Hayden’s suggestion about time away.

I could hear him get up from the bed and walk over to the door. “I’ll talk… I’ll see you later…” I could barley hear him. But I knew his voice cracked when he said the words. I heard the music get louder briefly and then I was all alone.

I stayed exactly where I was. I started to analyze everything that happened tonight. Every fight. Every tear. Every doubt.

I’ve changed, even Autumn said it. Well not directly, but I knew she meant it. Something’s changed me and I couldn’t put my finger on it. Maybe it was Hayden. Could be Harmony. I don’t know, possibly both. I didn’t like it at all. Nor did Hayden of Autumn. I don’t know much about Granger.

Then again to Autumn I’m childish. To Hayden I’m acting way to mature. What is it then? Mature or childish? If I was childish Hayden and I would be down stairs partying it up right now. If I was mature, well then I’d be doing the exact same thing I’m doing at this very moment. I guess Autumn only said I was childish because she believes I’m just some stupid little high schooler who thinks that everyone is out to get me.

Hayden was right about a few things. I’ve changed. I’m acting way to mature, even for a girl whose about to have a child and might have to be a bit more mature than any other seventeen year old. That we both needed some time to think. Him more than me.

I knew my situation. Hayden needed to figure out his. I could pretty much map it out myself though. Hayden wasn’t ready to be a father obviously. But no one asked him to. That was his decision. He doesn’t even have to help me, as I told him. But he promised. Then if he promised, then he will, hopefully.

But to me it seemed like something more. So much more. Maybe he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. Neither was I actually. Afraid of falling in love. Afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of being the one that hurts the other. I don’t know the mind of a twenty year old man.

All I knew that I had changed and I need to change back fast. I didn’t even like the new me as I thought about it now. I need to spend more time with my friends and stop stressing about the future. Stop worrying about the past and Autumn. She’ll come around when ever she wants to. I need to spend time with Hayden when ever he come back around if that ever happens.

When I spend time with my friends and Hayden I cant talk about Harmony or anything sorts of baby. That was set aside for a different time. I just need to relax and have some fun.

I didn’t know about Hayden or Autumn or much about Granger at the moment. But I knew one thing was for certain. I was surely and quickly falling in love with Hayden Jak. And I was terrified.