Save Yourself, I'll Hold Them Back

Lillian peeked over the edge once more, again withdrawing from the railings. She went back to picking at the fuzzies on her jumper, disappointed in herself. She’d gone all the way over to that same part of the railing once more, and again it had been a waste of her time. She hated that jumper. It’d faded to a darker gray in colour, and was far too big for her small frame. It’d been her brothers. She thought it fitting to wear it for the occasion, as opposing as that sounds.

The sun was beginning to set and she wondered if going home was now the best option, but she wouldn’t have it. Her mother would be in tears by now after reading the note she’d left on the kitchen counter beneath a few bangles, and she didn’t want to have to deal with that. She’d seen the effects on her mother before. She’d seen all those tears, and the grief that never seemed to have left her face. It’d impacted her mother’s life so severely that it’d also affected Lillian’s in ways she’d wished it hadn’t. In her mind, Lillian wasn’t nearly as loved as her brother was. Her mother would get over it, she thought. Her mother always seemed to get over the shit she put her through.

“I’m never leaving this place alive,” she said to herself, now determined to do what she’d set out to do. She got up once more and trudged over to the railing, wiping the tears from her face as she went. It didn’t look too hard in the movies. She placed her feet on the first rail and leaned forward a little, admiring the view for the last time. She often came to that very spot to be alone in her thoughts. Soon, her thoughts would stay there alone. She climbed up to the next rail and then began to swing one leg over the top, though something startled her. Someone’s hand was around her arm, and she was too embarrassed to follow up the arm to find out exactly who had caused her to squeal.

“Get off the ledge,” the man said, pulling at her arm just a little. “You’re not a victim of a victim’s life.” Lillian didn’t know what to say and so did as she was told, her face a deep shade of red. She hadn’t thought of what to do if she was caught. There were hardly any cars in the car park but then, everyone had to go home eventually. She cursed herself for being so stupid as to forget something like that. “What’s your name?” Lillian couldn’t respond. She still hadn’t taken her eyes from the floor, glad for the hair covering her face. The man’s hand gently moved to touch her chin and lift it up.

“I–”

“Is it as pretty as your face?” Upon finally looking up, Lillian was greeted with the gentlest of smiles and most alluring of eyes. She knew that face; it matched the ones posted all over her bedroom walls. “I read on the back of your jumper that it was Brian, though I somehow don’t think that’s right…” Lillian had almost forgotten about the tag stitched to the back of her jumper. Her brother was always losing things and as her mother didn’t have the money to replace them, she’d come up with better solutions.

“Lillian.” It’d barely been audible, but it’d been heard. “Brian was my brother.”

“Ohh, I’m so sorry…” Gerard had noted the tense she’d used and immediately regretted bringing that up. “I’m Gerard.” Lillian noticed that Gerard’s hand was still firmly around her arm and hated that she’d put him in such a position. She could tell he was afraid to let go, and she knew exactly why. She took another step away from the railing to hopefully put him at ease just a little, relieved that his grip loosened the tiniest bit.

“I know who you a–”

“But that’s not important. Now, I know I’m no friend of yours…but, well, why are you up here at this hour, hun?” Lillian didn’t know what to say. Surely, it was obvious.

“I don’t know…”

“You don’t know?” Gerard frowned. “You didn’t realise that you were about to jump the railing just here?” Lillian could feel herself crying now, hating what he was doing to her. “We can leave this world, leave it all behind…”

“I have my reasons, Gerard.” Lillian couldn’t believe it, but his lips curved upwards just a little. Now really, was it the time for smiling? Lillian didn’t think so.

“Ohh yeah? Go on then.” He stood waiting for an explanation that never came. More tears trickled down Lillian’s cheeks and she knew she must’ve looked an idiot.

“Why are you smiling?” she croaked, looking away from his cruel face. He hadn’t meant to.

“I’m sorry.” His mouth dropped immediately. “I didn’t mean it how you saw it. I just…well, I doubt you have a good enough reason to be doing this.”

“Define a good enough reason, Gerard.”

“Well…can you think of any?” Lillian stood and thought about it for a minute, realising she hadn’t anything to loose.

“My brother took his life 2 years ago. My mother is a heroin addict. My father…well, I still don’t know who he is. My friends don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m sure they’d not care, either. My brother is who I lived for. Believe me, Gerard, when I say that I’ve tried to live.” He seemed taken aback for a moment, taking in the sight of the young girl before him. Lillian closed her eyes, unable to take his judgmental stare any longer. She was shocked when a pair of arms embraced her tight, a pair of lips resting just beside her ear.

“You are never alone, okay? Never.” Gerard pulled away from her for a split second to make sure she’d heard him, smiling as he finally saw her own small smile adorn her lips. “That’s better.” Though, she was still crying.

“You’re the only friend that can make me cry,” she said softly.

“You’re a heart attack in black hair dye,” he replied. “My heart when I saw you about to jump…you shouldn’t do that to old men like me!” Lillian laughed, and Gerard smiled wider. She looked much happier.

“I’m sorry…I…don’t know. It was just all these thoughts running through my head…”

“Listen…you save yourself, alright? I’ll hold them back tonight.” He hugged her once more, tight, and Lillian was suddenly feeling a lot better. She couldn’t believe she’d been so ready to end it all when there was still such kindness left in the world. “C’mon, I’ll take you home.”

In the warmth of Gerard’s car as he drove across town to her small house in the kind of neighbourhood you didn’t want to walk through at night, Lillian smiled warmly to herself. She hugged her jumper tight and thanked God she’d been found at the top of that building, and not the bottom. Gerard eyed her all the way, noting the little smile she now couldn’t hide, and the way she was playing with her hair. He quite liked this girl. She had a pure heart, he thought.

“Well, goodnight,” Lillian said softly, reluctantly opening his car door to face the cold once more.

“I hope you stay safe,” he said softly, eying the neighbourhood suspiciously.

“Thanks,” she replied, pausing for a moment. “Really...Thanks.”

“No problem, darl.” His lips pressed against her cheek just softly before she found herself blushing and hurrying out of the car. She waved and he waited for her to enter her house before leaving, watching her tiny footsteps all the way. “Can you save yourself tonight?”