Second Chances, Bad Habits

I hadn’t said much, no, I hadn’t said anything, since we’d left the mall. Ashley was going to be gone for a year. I’ve never felt so alone in my life.

Walking in throught the apartment door, I dropped my bag near the sofa, and headed straight to the bathroom.

I heard Ash throw his keys in the bowl on the side, and follow me to the bathroom, but I quickly turned and locked the door behind me. I didn’t want him to see me break down, like I was about to.

“Deli, please let me in.” Ash pleaded, trying the door again. The tears were streaming down my face, as I held my hand over my mouth to hide the sobs racking my body. I moved over to the counter, slamming back against it, falling to the floor, as everything just sunk in. Before I’d even hit the floor, Ash had burst in and was pulling me into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around me.

“Shhh….Deli, I’m not leaving you forever, ok? Shhh….please stop crying, I love you, this is hurting me too.” I could here the fear rising in his voice, which was enough to make me try and sort myself out. Hushing my sobs, and trying my best to stop the tears, I still hid in his chest as he cradled me.

“I know, I’m sorry….I just…..i just felt alone and deserted, I didn’t know what to do.” I muffled into his chest. A low chuckle, rumbled through his chest.

“Deli, I want to take you with me, but I know that you won’t want to come to England.” He murmured into my hair, playing with the ends of the ebony silk.

“I love you.” I said, wrapping my arms around his waist, before the tears started again. I feel like such a selfish, cow, but I couldn’t imagine being without Ash. Not now anyway.

*****************

Ash had managed to get me into the bedroom, so as not to upset the rest of my family. We’d been laid there for at least 2 hours. I’d managed to completely stop crying and being pathetic about half and hour ago.

“I’m so sorry for being stupid and all that.”

“Don’t be, I don’t want to leave you eith…” Ash was quickly interrupted by Mat, Mason and Austin bursting into the room, crazy-ass grins on their faces.

“Deli! Guess what?!?” Austin screamed, bouncing up and down on the end of mine and Ash’s bed.

“What?” I grumbled, slighty annoyed at the interruption.

“We’re on for Black Veil Brides on their tours for the rest of this year!!! And then we join Escape The Fate as a three at some point too!!” He screamed, making Mason and Mat’s faces grow back into their grins.

I felt the edges of my mouth pull instantly up, into a smile that could rival the cheshire cat.

“Are you serious?” I cried. When Austin nodded, I instantly spun around and launched onto Ash, which quickly escalated into a dog pile.

“Um…guys….I’m happy for you and all that, but could you please get off of me?” Ash managed to mumble out from beneath everyone. One by one, everyone eventually clambered off, except me. I was still latched around Ash’s waist.

“Guys, could you like get out for a bit?” I smiled back at Austin, who immediately understood, grabbed Mason’s collar and Mat’s arm and dragged them from the room, closing the door behind them.

“Now you get to be with me, whether you want to or not.” Ash smiled down at me, wrapping his arms around me, before kissing my hair.

“I’m happy, I really am…” My smile faultered, if we were going to be on tour together for this long, and be going back to England, now was the only chance I was going to get to tell Ash the truth. “But I need to tell you something.” A look of worry flashed across Ash’s face, as he pulled back to look at me.

“You know when I promised that I’d tell you one day what I’d done, in my past?” I cringed, already playing out scenarios in my head. I remember telling some other people about my past, people I trusted, people I thought loved me. Some stayed, others weren’t so…..understanding.

“Sure, I remember, why?” Ash questionned, seeming a bit dubious about what could be coming next.

“Well, I think now’s the time I should tell you. Do get me wrong, you might take it a lot better than some other people, but then again…” I trailed off, stalling, trying to find ways to either blurt everything out, or to back out completely on my promise.

“I’ll love you, no matter what ok?” Ash spoke, placing his hands on either side of my face, making me look at him. As I mermorized what his face looked like now, I prepared myself to never be able to see that expression ever again.

“Ok, so um…..when I was 12, we moved to London, it was pretty run down and all that, the place that we’d moved to. And I got in to the bad crowd, and up until I was about 15, I slowly got into worse groups. When I was 13, I um…..i started getting into drugs, only small stuff though at the time. But……but by the time I was 14, I was into stronger stuff, oxy, cocaine, heroin, fuck know’s what else. My addiction, um….it got so bad that I would steal things or sleep around with dealers and their friends, just to get a fix…” Ash’s face was shock, and something else I couldn’t quite place, either way, it didn’t stop the tears brimming in my eyes. This was it, I was going to lose him. “Just before I turned 15, I began dealing as well, and to get enough money to pay what I owed, I’d sleep with just about anyone, steal anyone……do anything. I eventually got pulled into this…..this gang, and they wanted revenge on this other gang, who, I think stole something, or took their stash, I’m not sure. But the plan was to use me as bait. Originally, I didn’t have much to do, just let them pick me up, and the guys would follow me to where they were.” Tears began falling down my cheeks, I couldn’t meet Ash’s eyes as I stared at the bed sheets. “But it didn’t work, two of my guys were shot dead, the other ran away, and I was alone. I’d been not been home for about a month, so I sort of knew how to take care of myself. I….I-I took one of the guys guns, and because they thought I was so innocent and young, they ignored me, and…..and I shot them.” Sobs were wriddling my body, as the memories of the blood and shots came back, clear as day in my mind.

“Someone called the cops, and no-one believed that it was me that had done it, they thought the drug lord from the other group was trying to frame me, and he went down for it.” I sighed, Ash hadn’t moved or said one word, and I didn’t really plan on seeing what his reaction was until I’d finished.

“After that, everything stayed pretty quiet, I went to a lot of parties, some were farm parties, and shit, I spent pretty much up until I was 16 high or drunk. I hadn’t gone home, and I just sort of jumped around from place to place. But a few months before we moved here, the guy who went down for me, got released, and he-he saw me at a party one night.” Fresh tears blurred my vision, I didn’t really remember what had happened to me that night, but I can still remember the pain I woke up with in hospital.

“The next thing I know, I’m waking up in A&E, bruises, broken bones, everything, everywhere. Someone had managed to call Mat, and he came to see me. I didn’t remember a single thing, and he still stayed.” That was it, that was the majority of what I had done. That was the reason my mum hated me, the reason why my family doesn’t trust me. And now it’s going to be the reason Ash hasn’t spoken one word to me. This was the worst idea you’ve ever had Deli, why couldn’t you have just enjoyed the moment. Masochist.