Let's Set Ourselves Free

I looked up at the sky that looked paint; it seemed too beautiful to be real. The bit of trees covered up the seated area providing a bit of shade for this hot day. I slowly brought my attention back down to the cluster of black here and there; the small sniffs were also heard but didn’t bring any tears of my own. Brendon sat next to me being quiet, blending in with the sea of black. My father on my other side trying to comfort my aunt who was crying more than anyone here, I wish I knew where my uncle was.

It was hard to place a rose on the coffin that held the person that was someone important yet I didn’t cry, it was even harder to have people approach me who were crying, and there I stood just being hugged. I looked over to Brendon and sighed deeply, he was just as lost as I am. I hugged his side finding him looking really good at this point; there really was something wrong with me.

The setting had changed and there was a full house in my aunt’s, the mood was still down and the talking was low, it was as if a person were to laugh or smile it would be frowned upon. I stared at faces that weren’t familiar to me but apparently they knew since I was little kid, or they were a lost relative. My dad was comforted by many, I found him randomly break down in a middle of a conversation. I was fed up with myself, I found myself heartless and cold because I couldn’t cry over my mother’s death.

I put my untouched drink down on a table that I passed and walked up the stairs into a room that I haven’t been in what seemed like forever. The scent was the same, the feeling was the same and it was kind of odd to say that I felt at home and that the room was comforting me. I placed myself on the bed and took off the high heels that hurt my feet; I tossed them aside and held my head up, pushing my fingers through my hair and gripping onto my hair.

I heard the door close that I had left opened; I peeked through my hair that had fallen and watched as Brendon placed himself in front of me. My hair was pushed back and my hands fell from my face, I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly.

“Are you okay?” I heard him whisper into my ear, I shook my head a little. “Have you cried at all?” Yet again I shook my head. He didn’t ask any other question and it was killing me, I felt like some kind of crazy person. I turned my head slightly and looked over the side of his neck; my arms were brought to my side as he wrapped his arms around me.

As the day faded, the people faded as well. There was a big mess throughout the living room, kitchen and backyard. I helped my dad and Brendon clean up the mess as my aunt hid in her room as for my uncle was still nowhere to be found. I didn’t really speak to my dad, there were those smile of reassurance that the other was at least okay.

The house was quiet, a little too quiet when everyone decided to sleep. Usually it wasn’t like this, even with the awesome vibe my aunt use to throw, it was extremely uncomfortable or it was possible that it was just me because Brendon was sound asleep next to me. His shirtless body slightly glowing in the moon light, my index finger ran along his arm and shoulder blade trying to ease myself to sleep. But I couldn’t.

I carefully got out of bed and switched my pajama pants for jeans; I didn’t bother to change my oversized t-shirt and got a sweater on. I got some shoes on as well and headed out of the room and the house. I walked down to the sidewalk and started my mini journey to the cemetery. I know it was a bit crazy to visit a cemetery at night with no one at my side, but I need to figure it out if being alone would do the trick of helping me cry. I know I could stay at the house and just go to another room but it was likely that someone would join me. At least with this, I got some time to be alone for a decent amount of time until they did find me.

I entered the dark cemetery and got easily spooked out, I sighed deeply and started to walk fast towards the area where they were going to bury my mother. When I reached it I expected to see a dirt pile on the next grave to hers, but it was nothing like that, it was like she had been there for years. I placed myself in front of her gravestone that looked weird because I didn’t expect my own mother to die.

I remember when I was younger when things actually made sense and we didn’t have to deal with my aunt and uncle. I remember when my mom never raised a hand to me and she was my best friend. I remember having those nights of just us girls where we talked about everything and anything including death. She always told me that she wanted to leave the world in an epic way like saving old people from a burning house or giving someone another chance at life as she took their death.

But it being reality we lost those girl nights and she didn’t have that epic death as she wanted. Instead she was under the influences and drove, hitting an oncoming car and had died only a few minutes before the ambulances arrived. I didn’t understand what she went through when she found out by the doctors that my dad was in a coma, I wished I would’ve fought to be at her side than to let her just disappear.

I felt the tears reach my eyes as I stared at the tombstone; it hit me hard now realizing that she wasn’t going to be there. I couldn’t call her up and tell her that whatever happened in the past was over with, that I wanted to try and start out fresh with her. I didn’t have my mother anymore. I felt like this whole thing was my fault, I felt responsible for everything.

I covered my face as the sobs started to kick in, my body started to shake at the emotions hitting my body violently. I leaned my head against the cold rock and started to say sorry over and over again knowing I wouldn’t get reply, I wanted to make things right again and I felt like I couldn’t.

The cold breeze started to pick up but I didn’t care, I wanted to be here until I felt like I was forgiven. I closed my eye tightly as the endless tears continued. My legs were bent and an arm was wrapped around them as the other held my head up.

After a while I heard two pair of feet moving along the grass, I turned my head thinking it was the caretaker but it wasn’t. My dad was walking along with Brendon just a few feet behind him; I turned fully and draped my arms over my middle as I stared at my dad with a blurry vision. He made his way to me and placed himself down, wrapping his arm around me as I leaned against his side starting to cry more.

“Do you think she’ll forgive me?” I whispered with a shaky breath, looking up to my dad whose eyes were starting to get watery.

“For what Gal?” He asked in a low tone.

“For not trying to reach her like she was with me?”

My dad stayed quiet for a while and wiped his eyes; he nodded slowly and took a deep breath to calm himself. “I’m pretty sure she will. She did love you Juliet even with everything that went on. It’s about forgiving yourself and trying to recover from this.” He explained and kissed the top of my head.

I nodded slowly and closed my eyes for a bit, we sat in silences. Sitting there with my dad and my boyfriend just a few steps away, I thought it would be creepy and eerie. It was nothing close to that. I opened my eyes a few moments later feeling better as if I was forgiven and it was okay to just move on with my life, but still guilt will pull at my heart every now and then.

My eyes traveled over to Brendon, he was leaning up against a tree with his arms crossed and eyes closed. I figured it was time to go, I got up carefully and helped my dad up and give him a big comforting hug getting one in return. Once I was free I walked forward and placed a hand on Brendon’s shoulder and watched as he opened his eyes and gave a small smile.

“Feeling better?” He asked in a tired tone.

“A little,” I replied and sighed. I grabbed his arm and pulled him forward following my dad. I wrapped my arms around his arm and rested my head against the side of it.

“Are you going to sneak out again?” He continued.

“No,” I answered and smiled a little. I looked up at the sky that showed no clouds just bright beautiful shining stars. It brought me to ease and sent my eyes close, I trusted in Brendon that he wasn’t going to send me walking into a gravestone or trip over a small one, or even walking me into a hole.

I felt his pace slow down and his fingers push my chin up a little, his breathing tickled my ear causing me to get the chills. I didn’t open my eyes.

“I have to ask a serious question,” He whispered.

I opened my eyes and looked into his eyes the best I could, the light given was giving those beautiful hues a hint of darkness. “What?” I asked softly and looked over his face.

“Do you think,” He started and looked forward towards my dad who was now closer to the car than we were. “That people have sex in here?” He asked and raised his eyebrows a little.

I stared at him for a very long time and raised an eyebrow. “That’s your serious question?” I asked allowing a small smirk to slip.

“Well yeah, aren’t you at least a little bit curious about it?”

“Now I am but only because you mentioned it,” I looked around and shrugged with a nod. “I suppose people do, I would think it would feel weird…”

“So does that mean you would try it and possibly we could try it?” Brendon asked with excitement in his voice.

I snapped my head at him, “I never said that you freak,” I stated and shook my head. “You’re so weird.” I whispered and walked at a faster pace. Without a doubt a couple having sex in a cemetery is bond to get killed. The wonders of horror movies.

“But you love me anyways, and it was just an idea to lighten up your mood!” He called out as my walking went into a run, I heard him running after a while.

“My mood is fine!” I yelled back.

“I can make it better!!” He continued to yell.

“DADDY!!” I yelled after a few more yells between us. I watched as my dad turn and look at us oddly. “Brendon trying to get lucky in a cemetery and its creeping me out!” I ran up to him and hugged him tightly.

My dad shook his head and stared at Brendon who had stopped running and walked the rest of the way; he smiled nervously to my dad and quickly got into the backseat of the car. I got into the passenger’s seat and turned to Brendon, “Thank you for cheering me up a little and freaking me out with your sex addictions.”

Brendon chuckled and leaned forward, he placed a few kisses on my lips. “Anytime, but now your dad thinks I’m weird and freak.”

“It’s not like he did before.” I stated and smiled; I turned around leaving Brendon with that cute confused expression and got more relaxed when my dad started to drive.

A part of me wanted to go back to our apartment and just spend at least a few days relaxing and going to the beach as the other half wanted to spend more time with my dad, I wouldn’t last if I lost him. I really didn’t want to think about that, not ever so I let the sleep take over me. I knew that I was going to be fine and carry on like it was any other day, but it sadden me that I’m not going to be sad for long about my mother’s death. Like I mentioned guilt will tug at my heart every now and then.