M. Shadows' Lips of Deceit

The shower head was bucketing out steaming hot water into the empty bathtub and the white door of the bathroom was loosely left open. In the full length mirror two bare feet stare back at themselves while the body that the feet belong to is curved the other way; laying heavily against the dark blue tile unconscious and grasping for life. In arms reach a bottle of aged scotch from the dining room cabinet lays spilled over, the cap cracked in the sink. A bottle of outdated back pills also clutters the floor near the liquor bottle, empty of course.

No one was home-well at the house, it had the four essential walls and ceilings and floors but it wasn’t a home. The parental’s were off doing their own thing like they never had a daughter, like they were never a family. It’s no real surprise on how she got there that night or any of the nights previous of that. Bite marks were stretched along her arms, some of them dried while some were still bleeding.

So fast, the door swung open and he started yelling, cursing at him self for leaving her alone. As he checked for a pulse he pulled out his phone, dialed 911 and screamed for them to get there. He was shaking while her body barely moved in breaths, he didn’t understand what could drive a person to doing something like this to themselves but he wanted to find out. As she was fighting for air his lungs felt heavy like they suddenly became filled with lead, he didn’t want to move her but he couldn’t stand not holding her. He grabbed her hand in his and lightly kissed the tiny bruised knuckles.

He was pacing from the doctors door to the last chair in the five seat row, one being occupied by his sister, she sat there nibbling on her pinky nail not sure what to say to him. His eyes were tired and bags creased underneath them, leaving a nasty expression on his face, the mangle pile of brown hair that sat on his head didn’t help his look unless he was going for hobo or crazy. She was almost completely opposite, yes she was tired and bags were underneath her eyes but not as badly indented as his. Nor was her hair in a rat’s nest or her clothes splattered with dried blood, dirt and the dust bunnies underneath the tub.

“Why does she mean so much to you?” She whispered lightly, not wanting to upset him; she was destroyed on the inside, seeing her brother like this made everything else seem empty. They were only half siblings but that didn’t break their relationship at all, if anything that held them together this long.

“I’m in love with her and I don’t know why. She’s just so helpless and alone and it breaks my heart. I’ve seen her be a real sweetheart and it’s touched me. I can’t fucking explain it but-“

“Hey, it’s okay, that’s all I needed to know. I’m behind you one hundred percent and I’ll help her anyway I can.” She grabbed his hand as he paced past her, stopping him in his steps. He mouthed ‘thank you’ and gave her hand a tight squeeze.

After what felt like hours the doctor that was treating her today gave them the relieving news that she’d be okay but she had a long, hard road in front of her. She’d have to get help or they’d want to keep her and Adam didn’t want that to happen.

He was allowed to her see her after that, even though she was sleeping. As she slept he sat there with his eyes locked to her face waiting for her eyes to open up to a new day with a new start; which happened to be ten hours later. She was skeptical and didn’t want any help, defiantly didn’t understand why this guy she barely knew wanted to help her through this when she didn’t even want to make it through.

She noticed the dirt and blood stains on his grey tee shirt and guilt panged up through her spine. They talked for several hours, mainly the reasons why and how she can get past them; he even stayed and ate hospital food with her. He stayed that night again, convincing the doctors that she shouldn’t be left alone; they pitied the poor love struck puppy boy and let him stay, what would it have hurt?

Her wrists bared raw bites across them under moist gauzes; you know that feeling you get when you’re light headed, well that’s what it felt like to her whenever she raised her arms just a smidge. Part of her thought it felt good but the other part was becoming disgusted with her self over this and what’s she done to this poor guy. That thought whispered to her previous thoughts and she was thinking of ways to leave him here in the hospital, she didn’t show it on her face though.

And that was the beginning: feeling guilty. Feeling something for what she not intentionally brought upon this guy, feeling something other then spaced, angry and insensitive.

One by one the months went by and slowly she started piecing her life back together. Giving up the smoking and alcohol was easier part; she hadn’t been hooked to them as long and didn’t favor them as much. The pills, self affliction and the starving took the most time. It was maybe two months before she started eating the regular three meals a day and another few weeks after to keep it down. She trashed her system to near bits, frequently taking trips to the hospital.

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“I don’t understand the things that I do but I want to…” She whispered as her hand held her throat and she slowly rocked her self in the wooden chair. Water surfaced on her bottom eyelids as she started wrapping her mind around what she had been doing. Cherry marks that looked like hyphens in a circle pierced through her white skin and her hair settled at different lengths around her shoulders, like she had amateur layers.

The room was a collage of neutral colors, not too large but not the size of a prison room. The woman that sat across from her was wearing a beige pencil skirt and a collared black button up; she was easy on the eyes and easy on the comfort senses. A clip board with numerous bleach white papers with black print and type sat on her lap with a black retractable pen. She wrote a lot down when Viktoria first came in, noting the sensitivity to being in a new surrounding, to talking and hearing oneself.

Adam was sitting outside in the small waiting area for family or friends, picking at the rip in his jeans and biting his lower lip till it bled slightly. His hair was combed and clean and naturally sticking up in areas while a pair of knock off aviators hid his eyes, tight in his pocket was his Ipod set to the soundtrack of the reconstruction of Vik.

“I’m taking the small steps and getting through the day, I’m not trying to picture the future right now, the thought of a year from now overwhelms me…” She said, fading out of her thought; she was whispering in a fractured tone but doing her best to hold it together, the progress making a break through in a real experience.
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“Why the hell do you care so much?!” She screamed dryly as her nails dug into her close fist palms.

“Because I love you,”

“No you don’t, you don’t even fucking know me!” Her toes firmly pressed into the carpet as she stood her ground, shaking with all the ingredients of a break down, you know those ones that come along the road before its all better.

“You don’t even fucking know you!” His mouth curled up at the end of his sentence, catching his slur, “You’ve made progress and you can make more just don’t give up. You’ve worked really hard.”

“I can undo it all,”

“Is that what you want? Is that what you really fucking want?” She was distracted by his words to notice that he rushed in front of her, grabbing her forearms tightly and shaking her small frame. “If that’s what you want so fucking badly then what the hell were you messing around for? With all your damn suicide attempts you couldn’t make it forever? People fucking do it all the time, it’s not that damn hard. What? Did I hurt your feelings? Don’t like being yelled at? You’ve got a life don’t throw it fucking away don’t take the fucking easy way out when you have a chance! Want someone to love you? Want some place else to be? I can give you that and I will, just you have to try.”

“Why don’t you go help them,” She snarled in a whisper, not meaning to sound so harsh and like she hadn’t heard a damn thing he said but her mouth wasn’t listening to her head.

“I don’t want to help them, I want to help you. I’ve seen the look you wear when you’re sitting by yourself rocking out while being completely fucking still and you could be so happy if you only tried and gave it a shot. And why? How about why not? I mean what do you have to lose for trying?” His mouth closed sharply and his nose lightly flared, he held on tight to her arms in case she fell over or something but she didn’t. She stood there quietly, looking at him and feeling the intense searing of the air touching her open wounds.

“Baby,” He calls through from the front room but I didn’t answer him, I pull the covers tighter over my shoulders and keep my eyes shut. The light flicks on and I can feel his eyes searching the room. “Hey, you awake?” I lay as still as a sleeping person can and let a few sniffles pass out my nose. I can’t bear to face him; I’d give myself away faster then…well something really fast. A few seconds later I hear him huff and the overhead light goes out, the door closes and footsteps turn the other way.

There was no way in hell I was going to be able to tell him; no way can I send his world crashing down. After all that he’s done for me and this is how I repay him. I don’t know which is worse, my feeling terrible or me being terrible.