Bear.

Ryan Ross was outside of his apartment. He was hunched over his balcony and clutching onto a teddy bear. One of his knees was bent and the other was straight and locked. It was warm for an evening in the middle of February. It made Ryan happy and nothing could be better than clutching onto his favorite teddy.

This teddy bear was one of his rescue bears. Yes, Ryan had the habit of “rescuing” teddy bears he just found lying about in dumpsters or on roads. He couldn’t just leave them there. They needed love and a home as well. It always made him sad when he saw a teddy bear lying about unwanted. He’d never left a bear he’d found behind. He would pick it up and carry it home no matter how dirty it was.

The particular bear he was holding onto at the moment was named Gerard. He was large and a brownish red with a giant red bow. The bear had large, chocolate brown eyes that, ironically, reminded Ryan of his boyfriend Brendon. Another thing about Gerard was that Ryan had found him around Christmas time four years ago. So Gerard was dubbed Gerard the Christmas Bear.

Ryan sighed and held on tighter to the bear. This was a typical evening for him, if it was nice out. After having a bite to eat he would settle outside with Christmas Bear and think. At times, he would speak to Gerard the Christmas Bear. Yet, that was only when he was bored. Sometimes, even, Ryan would look down over his balcony and spit just to see how it flew to the ground. Yet, that was only when he was really bored.

“Christmas Bear, you’re so comfortable,” Ryan spoke into the bear. He was used to this. Not getting a response, that is. Ryan, though, would pause the normal amount of time it would take a person to say the proper response. It was a habit from many years of talking to bears and other assorted stuffed animals.

Ryan continued to converse with the bear until the door to the balcony was opened and a pair of warm arms wrapped around his middle. At first Ryan tensed up, but soon relaxed after realizing who it could possibly be.

“I figured you’d be out here,” Brendon’s warm voice said into Ryan’s ear. He had been courting Ryan for two years and he’d lived with Ryan for one. His warm hands could feel the bear tight in his lover’s grasp and he knew Ryan was outside to think. “Hello Gerard,” Brendon said next to the bear. He had grown accustomed to addressing Ryan’s furry friends, especially Gerard.

Whenever Brendon did this in Ryan’s presence, Ryan couldn’t help but grin at the sound of it. Ryan could remember when Brendon had to understand that his stuffed animals were friends to him. It took Brendon some time to start talking to them.

“Hi baby,” Ryan said back to him. “Nice weather, right?”

Brendon’s lips touched the back of Ryan’s neck. He took notice to how long his boyfriend’s hair was getting. He didn’t mind. Brendon was easy going like that. Humming in agreement, Brendon spoke again. “Now that the weather’s looking nice again, will I be finding you here with Christmas Bear more often?”

Ryan nodded. “You’re welcome to join us. Christmas Bear doesn’t mind. He really likes you; in fact, his eyes remind me of yours. Chocolate brown and happy,” he said. Getting comfortable, he shifted in Brendon’s hold on him.

Brendon shook his head. “Sometimes I get to thinking that you love that bear more than you do me. Has that ever crossed your mind?”

For Ryan it, indeed, did not ever cross his mind. He was never posed the question, so why would he think about it? Ryan glanced down to his beloved bear and stared into its eyes. Gerard had been in his life for the past four years, two years before Brendon had even come into his life. He could still remember how he would gush about his dates with Brendon to Gerard. The bear, over time, had become his best friend and confidant.

Gerard the Christmas Bear had seen Ryan cry, smile, laugh, dance, and be in love. The bear had seen an evolution of his owner. That’s what made the bear to so special to Ryan. Of course he loved Gerard. How could he not? He’d been there when no one else would listen and every time with a smile on his face, despite the thread for a smile being gone on the bear.

So to answer his boyfriend’s question, Ryan was honest. “No, it never really has.”

“Do you love him more than me?” Brendon questioned. He was lightly kissing Ryan’s ear lobe and hoping that his boyfriend would say he loved him more than the bear. For Brendon, Gerard the Christmas Bear was always his competition. The bear, despite its cute and cuddly nature, posed a sense of insecurity for Brendon. It always made him worry since Ryan would tell the bear more of his feelings that to him.

Brendon was never fond of that.

Ryan didn’t want to disappoint Brendon, but, at the same time, he didn’t want to hurt Christmas Bear. He was torn. He loved both, but on different levels. Ryan was simply worried that Brendon wouldn’t understand that. Ryan always knew Brendon was simple and it contrasted well to his complexities, but Brendon’s simple mind could the downfall of the two.

Ryan just didn’t know. He didn’t want to hurt anyone. How could he? Christmas Bear had always been around to listen and Brendon was wonderful and would always comfort him. So after letting out a sigh, Ryan answered with what he felt. “I don’t know.”

Brendon’s hands left Ryan’s middle and suddenly, Ryan felt cold.

“You don’t know?” Brendon asked, voice laced with a bite.

“I love you both, but differently,” Ryan tried to explain. “I love you for you and all of you because you look past all of my complexities and take me the way I am. You give me the affection I crave and I love you for that, so much.”

“How can a bear love you back, Ryan? How can it? Please enlighten me!” Brendon was angry. He wasn’t angry at Ryan per say, but more so himself. Brendon was angry at himself because a bear had gotten under his skin and made him insecure. He just wanted to know if Ryan could live without the bear and just him. It would make Brendon’s feelings less stressful.

Feeling awful, Ryan turned himself around to look at his boyfriend. “He can never hurt me,” he admitted. “And,” he paused, “I don’t think I could ever hurt him because look at us now. I’m hurting you.”

Brendon shook his head. “No, I’m hurting myself by letting that bear get under my skin. I just want you to talk to me.”

“Then I’ll talk to you, but you have to realize Christmas Bear easier for me to speak to. I don’t want to burden you with my petty feelings and fucked up thoughts.”

“Yet, that’s who I fell in love with, a man with ‘petty’ feelings and fucked up thoughts. I fucking love those thoughts and feelings. You have no idea how much I love you.”

Ryan smiled. “I still try to understand how you could do such a thing, but I’m slowly getting there.”

This caused a light bulb to go off in Brendon’s head. This light caused a smirk to appear on his face. “What if we leave Christmas Bear in the living room and I give you a taste of how much I love you?”

“You’re such a horn-dog, Brendon, but okay,” Ryan answered.

It’d been a while since they’d been intimate. They both went back inside and set Gerard the Christmas Bear on the couch. Ryan told him to watch over the house until they were done. Then they both proceeded to their bedroom, hand in hand. Lights were shut off and clothes were shed and noises were made. After time, peaceful quiet engulfed the house.

Brendon, quietly, got out of bed and went to the living room. He grabbed Christmas Bear and went back to bed with it. He settled the bear in Ryan’s arms and then wrapped his own around his boyfriend. This he could live with.