Breathing

Breathe in.
The sound of my heaving breath filled the air for the first time, waking me from my deep slumber. The throbbing pain in my head and the heavy pounding of my heart made me wish that I’d never breathe again. I could finally feel the gauze against my skin, in almost every part of my body— as if I’d be drained of blood if you took them out. Just as fast as my gasp sounded, my eyes shut closed again, hoping that it could shut out the pain, as well as everything else— the memories, the thoughts, and the damage that was done. Who knew that living again could feel so painful.

Breathe out.
I saw you beside my bed, arms folded gently across the white sheets, cradling your delicate head. Your long brown hair fell around your face like a thin satin curtain, framing the sharp features of your face. The way your lips curled softly into a half-frown, and the drained color from your rosy cheeks made me feel loved, and suddenly, I never wanted to close my eyes again. You cared for me, more than anything else. Oh, how I wish I could tell you how much I cared for you, even though I did not. If only I could tell you how much I regretted that.

Breathe in.
It pained me to close my eyes, just as much as it pained me to keep them open. I was afraid— afraid that when I’d close my eyes, I’d be gone, or worse: you would. You were one of the few people who cared about me. Maybe, just maybe, I was afraid of that. But it’s too late now. I’ve decided...I’d rather waste my time looking at you, than telling you.

Breathe out.
I blinked for a second, and my heart pounded rapidly against my chest, almost as hard as it did that night. I saw you shoot up, awake from you slumber. You stood up, and wrapped your arms around me and cradled me like a fragile baby. Your lips moved, you were telling me something… and tears began to flow like a river down your cheeks. My eyes shut closed…

Breathe in.
I heard it all, the way you screamed for help, the way the door slammed open. The doctors, the nurses. I knew they were there, but most especially, there was you. There was always you, and I didn’t care. I’m so sorry.

Breathe out.
Electricity shot into my body, I felt it only faintly. If only I could tell you not to bother. I wouldn’t mind. I don’t deserve to have you. I’m okay, now. Leave me, please. PLEASE.

Breathe in.
I could see it all in my head again… the way I steered away from the incoming truck, onto the side of the street…rolling, falling into the steep hillside off the freeway.

Breathe out.
The rest was history… all I could think of was you and me. But mostly just you. Only you.

Breathe in.
It was here…the last moments of my life— I knew I was dying.

Breathe out.
A breath wasted, I should’ve said something.

Breathe in.
One last breath, one last glance. I saw your face, through all the people (useless people), stained in tears. Your blue eyes shone with the utmost sincerity. I saw the way you tried to push through all of them, screaming something. I could’ve heard it, you know, but I chose not to— I wouldn’t want to leave, knowing that there could have been (and there was) something better than heaven.