P.S. I Hate You

I took in a big breath and removed the pillow from my face. At lease I wasn’t welcomed with the bright sun today. Which reminds me, where is the sun? I turned to my left and grabbed my alarm clock. Five thirty. Defiantly too early to get up. I looked to my right and found the bed empty. Right, its Monday. How I loathe Monday’s.

I yawned and slowly got out of bed. I walked downstairs and searched for James. I found him in the kitchen eating a large breakfast.

“Your're fat.” I muttered and walked past him.

“This food isn’t only for me, I also told the chef to make it for you.” He told me with a smile.

I rolled my eyes and looked over at the breakfast buffet. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, hash browns, pictures of milk and orange juice. Most days I would kill for this food. Most days I would crave this food so much and eat it all in less than an hour. But today wasn’t most days. It was a sad day. I was supposed to grieve. But even though I knew all of that, I really wanted that food.

I scrunched my nose in disgust and looked through the cabinet for cereal. I looked through the many boxes of cereal and found an un opened box of Apple Jacks. I smiled and took the box.

“You know I could have asked one of the chefs to do that for you? Even though I asked them to make this breakfast for you. And you chose cereal.” He scuffed, rolled his eyes, and took a bite of his pancakes.

“Sorry James, unlike you I can make and get food for myself. I don’t need anyone to make it for me. I’m pretty sure that you don’t even know how to make a poptart.” I said, putting cereal into a bowl and filling it with milk. I took a spoon from one of the drawers and sat next to James.

“Yes I do. Put it in the microwave.” He answered in a matter of fact tone.

I rolled my eyes, “You're fucking stupid.”

“What ever happened to ‘lets try to make this work’?” He asked, referring to last night.

I sighed and turned to him, “Look James. About last night, I was delirious and sad. I probably didn’t know what I was talking about. You and I both know that we will never be anything close to friends. We’re like programmed to hate each other. Our parents ruined our lives from day one because of this stupid arranged marriage. So lets not play make believe and pretend that its all going to be okay and we’re going to be the best of friends and have a happy marriage. Lets just leave it at we get married and have a child. We don’t have to love each other or anything. All we have to do is pretend.”

James’ mouth hung open. He stared at me. His month closed and opened again, as if he was ready to say something. I finished the last bit of my cereal and put the rest in the sink.

“But what if it doesn’t work. What if pretending comes to reality?” He asked as he stared at me with a confused look.

I rolled my eyes and turned to him. It was as if all my anger pushed towards him and his head went two centimeters back from being stunned by my sudden change of mood from calm to angry. “Don’t you realize it? It’ll never come to that.” I let out a breath of air and went towards the stairs. James yelled something to me but I couldn’t make out the words from my tears.

Why I was crying? I don’t know, call me later and find out. I walked into our room and closed the door behind me. I went into the bathroom, got undressed, walked into the tub, and turned on the water.

I kept crying and I don’t know why. I couldn’t stop the tears. It was like my tears were just like the shower and they wouldn’t turn off unless someone did it for me. I still didn’t know why I was crying.

Maybe it was because I have to marry some ass whole I just told to back off. Or the fact that I like my fiancés best friend. Maybe I can't see my best friend till she graduates in two years. Could be because my fiancés ex-girlfriend won't let him go and realize that their relationship is over. It also could be because my life is ruined. Or that it just my time of the month.

But I knew for a fact that I was crying because of my dad. If he dies from brain cancer who am I going to cry to when I need some advice? Who am I going to run to when I need a shotgun because James was being an ass? What am I going to do when fathers day comes around and I have no one to celebrate it with? I didn’t know any of this. But I knew one thing was for sure. I love my daddy.

*~*~*~*~*

I think I fell asleep in the shower. All I know is that when I woke up I heard a knocking on the door and I felt water hitting all around my body. I gasped suddenly, like if I was underwater and I just reached surface. I groaned and turned off the water. The whole bathroom still had steam, I dried myself and I still felt wet.

I sighed and walked out the bathroom with my towel wrapped around myself. James had his hand in a ready position to knock again. I walked past him and toward my closet. I was about to open my closet door, but James stopped me with his hand on mine. I quickly turned to him with an annoyed look on my face.

This time he didn’t look stunned or anything. He just kept the same expression on his face. “What’s wrong with you? What’s with this sudden change in mood? I understand you just found out your father is diagnosed with brain cancer, but that’s no excuse to be a bitch.”

I sighed and looked down. A single tear left my eye. By the time I looked up at James I was crying again. “Do you know how it feels when you find out you can't control your life anymore? Do you know what it feels like when you lose your dad, or anyone close to you for that matter? Do you know what it feels like when mostly everyone in the world hates you?”

James slowly shook his head. “That’s what I thought. Come talk to me when you feel all of that at once. When you have a bunch of weight on your shoulders. Right now I don’t want to hear about bull shit.”

“I’m just trying to help.” He whispered and looked down at the ground. For a moment there I thought he was crying right along with me. But at a second look I just saw he was only looking at the ground where a puddle of water was forming. I was still dripping wet from my shower. Not to mention I was still half naked.

“Well don’t.” I muttered and turned to try to go in my closet again. James’ hand was still on the door. I sighed and stared at his hand until it moved. Which I was pretty certain it wasn’t going to.

James groaned from behind me. “Fine, if you want me to hate you. That’s exactly what you're going to get.”

*~*~*~*~*

I sat in physics trying my hardest to be unseen from every one. I looked around the room. Meghan, Terrance, Gavin, Madiline, and James were in this class. I knew James was directly behind me and I tried my hardest not to make eye contact with Terrance.

Before physics was lunch. I didn’t go, I was in the girls bathroom the whole time crying. I looked at the clock. Five more minutes and I could go home. I slowly started putting my notebooks in my bag. Without thinking I looked to my right. Terrance smiled and waved to me. He held up a finger and took out a piece of paper.

He wrote something down and handed me that paper. ‘Are you okay? Lets hang today.’ I sighed and wrote down, ‘No I’m not okay. I suppose we could hang…’

Now to top it off I have to tell Terrance we could no longer hang out. If I wanted to make my dad and mom happy I had to pretend that James and I were actually going to make this work. And if I was going to pretend that, then I have to break off anything Terrance and I had. Even if that means I have to break Terrance's heart.

I heard the bell ring and I quickly sped out the classroom. I was the first one out.

“Ever!” I heard my name being called. I turned and saw Terrance rushing after me. I slightly smiled. “What’s wrong?” He asked, once he saw my face. I’m sure my eyes were red and my cheeks were blotched.

“I’ll tell you later. But right now, lets go home.” I told him and took him by the wrist and out school doors.

“Ever…” I heard someone whine from behind me. I turned and saw Meghan. “Bad news…” She muttered and pointed her thumb behind her. I looked behind her and saw Madiline. Goodness, will she ever stop.

Madi came up to me and opened her mouth. I held my hand up and she stuttered back. I slightly smiled, “Whatever you have to say, don’t. I’m tired of your shit. And frankly, I think everyone else here is too. I don’t even know why you hate me. Its not my fault you can't have your happily ever after with James. The one you should be hating is our parents for setting this up. The only problem you have is your self. You’re a shallow bitch. That’s all I got to say, honey.” I patted her shoulder and turned around.

For some reason I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulder. Maybe because I don’t have to deal with Madiline anymore. I don’t have to worry about anyone finding out and Terrance and me in a couple of minutes. I don’t know why, but I felt free.