Breathe Me

We hadn’t been prepared for our 7 hour commute to New Jersey.

I had woken Sophia up around 4 in the morning so we could get a head start and beat all of the traffic. We had essentially gotten an excellent night of sleep, and Sophia had rested calmly knowing that Ryan couldn’t get to her. I was by no means a morning person, and I most likely won’t ever be one, but waking up with Sophia in my arms was without a doubt something I could get accustomed to.

“I can’t believe you’re dragging me to New Jersey.” I exclaim with an exasperated groan. In actuality I cherished the fact that we were doing something mutually rather than just sitting at home moping around. Frankie lifts his head from the backseat of the car; he glances at me for a few seconds before sinking his head once again, and falling sound asleep.

She grins, her index finger lightly drumming against the steering wheel to the beat of the Guns N’ Roses song that is playing.

“First you complain about not being able to drive, and now you complain about being dragged places with your girlfriend? Sheesh, be a man Kristopher.” She fails terribly at trying to conceal the mischievous smirk on her face, and my heart skips a beat when I see those lovely dimples.

“Hey, do you know how emasculating it is to not be able to drive your own car? Especially when it’s a woman driving.”

She shakes her head at my statement, “You professional athletes and your gigantic egos. I’m seriously starting to believe that you’re cheating on me with your egotism.”

“My excuse is that I am French.”

She bursts out laughing at my severe tone, “I hope you know I’m just messing around,” she smiles compassionately, “I really don’t think you’re that arrogant… unless you’re the one who’s driving the car.”

I snort and turn the radio up when a Metallica song starts to play. We had been taking turns listening to our ipods on the car stereo, which I actually didn’t mind at all. I had learned that Sophia really has fine taste in music, and at first she had been self-conscious because of the really heavy music, but I assured her that it was absolutely fine. I was pleased that she didn’t listen to pop or rap to tell the truth.

“I’m so excited. I can’t believe we’re really going to the beach.” She’s virtually bouncing in the car seat. My heart swells knowing that she’s genuinely content, if anyone deserves to be happy in life it’s Sophia. It’s weird thinking about how something so minuscule can mean a great deal to someone. I had been to the beach plenty, if not hundreds of times in my life. I had the opulence of being able to go wherever I wanted, when I wanted.

Sophia never had that.

She wasn’t allowed to just get up and drive away from the wreckage of her life. She had nowhere to go when she was feeling miserable and stressed. She had experienced a sagacity of maturity at the tender age of 10 that some adults haven’t reached in their lives. In spite of having to grow up surrounded by drug addicts and brutality, she had managed to keep her head on straight. Instead of dwelling on the past, she looked to the future where she prayed for a safe haven and love.

Her prayers had been answered when she moved to Pittsburgh.

I steal a look at Sophia, and silently thank Pascal for saving her. Sure, she would never be able to disregard her dreadful past, but I would do everything in my power to aid her back to a fixed heart.

“What are you thinking about?” She inquires.

I grin and flippantly grasp her delicate hand, “Nothing.”
****
“Are we there yet?” She asks for the hundredth time, giggling when Frankie playfully nips at her fingers. She’s almost like a little kid who’s going to Disneyland for the first time.

“Almost. I just need to make this next exit, and we’re basically there.” I validate.

It was only 10:30 so we were making really good time. I glance out the window, noticing the dim clouds. Sophia had informed me that she didn’t mind if it rained, she just wanted to see the ocean. I was truly relieved that it was supposed to rain, I knew there wouldn’t be a lot of people at the beach if it did.

Sophia’s sapphire eyes gaze out the window and at the foreign territory as I depart the freeway. She unconscientiously pets Frankie’s head as he curls into her lap. It’s a little town in New Jersey, and Sophia seems pleased by the change of the scenery.

“Smell the air, Sophia”

She picks up her head and takes in a deep breath, her eyes bursting with radiance. I roll down the windows and the salty aroma of the air strikes both of us.

“It smells so good.” She murmurs faintly. She perks up even more when she notices the enormity of dark blue in the distance. I peer at her as her buoyant eyes take in the stunning setting. The profound azure colour of the sea meets with the luminosity of the grey haze in the sky; the sound of the strident waves clashing onto the drenched sand greets our ears with salutation. We appear closer and closer to our destination, and I can feel the anticipation radiating from Sophia. Every now and then she exhales severely, and I question if she’s going to cry. I take my hand from the steering wheel, and clutch her hand in mine once again, kissing the supple flesh on her wrist. She beams up at me, her dazzling blue eyes containing so much love and compassion that it takes my breath away.

She’s exiting out of the vehicle sooner than I even come to an inclusive stop on the sand. I take the keys out of the ignition and exit the car. Over the noise of the piercing waves I can hear Frankie barking and Sophie laughing.

It’s the sweetest melody I have ever heard.

“Kristopher, look!” She points to something on the wet sand, and I notice the bottoms of her jeans are rolled up to the center of her calves. I look at what she’s pointing to and see a standard sized starfish.

“I don’t think Frankie likes it.” I snicker when Frankie whimpers and runs away from the sea creature. Both Sophia and I quiet down as we just stare out into the dark blue vastness of the ocean. It truly is a beautiful sight. There’s hardly anyone on the beach, everyone is most likely indoors getting prepared for the rainstorm that’s about to pull in. We start to walk down the shoreline, my hand practically swallows her’s, and I rejoice in the sound of her laughter when Frankie does something silly, or the cold water brushes against her ankles.

“Is it everything you expected it to be?” I ask when we come to a stop

“Yes, everything is so beautiful,” her eyes glance up at me and inspect my face, “I never thought I would be here today. Especially with someone who loves me so much. I never even thought I would still be alive at this age.”

My eyes broaden, “Did you ever think about uh… y’know, killing yourself whenever he would beat you?” My question doesn’t upset her one bit, and her straightforward answer breaks my heart. I had wished for her to say no.

“I thought about it every single day. I always wondered what people would think, who would be at my funeral, and who would even care about my death,” She inhales deeply, taking in the aroma of the saline atmosphere, “I’m glad I didn’t do it.”

I reach for my hand and intertwine my fingers with hers, “I’m glad you didn’t either. I never would have gotten the chance to fall in love with you.” I lean down and kiss the top of her hair, taking pleasure in the minty aroma of her silky tresses.

“I wish I knew how to swim.” She sighs, a hint of melancholy in her accented voice. I take this second to look at her, she really seems like she’s at peace with herself.

“I’ll teach you… if you want me to.”

A grin spreads across her face, “Promise?”

I heave her small frame against mine. I securely enfold my arms around her, hoping she can feel how much I love her. Words can never express my feelings for this woman. I would supply her with anything she asked for. She tucks her head beneath my chin.

“I promise.”

She squeals out in delight when I hook my arm underneath the backs of her knees, my other arm catches her as she falls back. I saunter forward until I’m waist deep in the freezing cold ocean, laughing along with her. She weighs almost next to nothing, and it takes no effort in carrying her. She ruptures into a fit of giggles when I twirl her around.

“You better not drop me, Kristopher.” She shifts her body so that her legs are wrapped around my waist. Her face flushes at the position we’re now in.

“I would never drop you Sophia.” I murmur, easily holding her against me. She’s soaked from head to toe, just like me. I tuck a strand of her sopping wet hair behind her ear, and cradle her cheek. I cherish the way she pushes her face into the palm of my hand, her blue eyes closing. My eyes flutter shut and I press my lips to her supple ones, pleasantly surprised when her petite hands entwine themselves in my hair. I pull her shivering body tighter to mine, admiring the feeling of each and every curve of her body. Her lips open against mine and her teeth tug at my lower lip, earning an appreciative moan from me. Her velvety tongue slides explicitly against mine and my fingertips dig into the flesh of her hips, an effort to keep me from losing control with her. I groan, and I know it’s probably not a good sign as I feel myself grow hard when she arches her back so her breasts are pressed hard into my chest. It’s by far the greatest kiss I’ve ever had in my life.

‘Where did all of this self-confidence come from?’

She gasps when there’s a deafening boom, and it starts to rain instantaneously. We both immediately pull away, our chests rising and falling as we pant deeply. Her sapphire eyes are wide with shock at what she has just done, and I can tell that she doesn’t even know where that sudden burst of confidence came from. I carry her back to the shore, where Frankie is waiting for us anxiously. She picks him up in her arms and we both scuttle back to the car, I have to grab her arm when the wind picks up heavily, and she can barely walk. When we finally get back to the car I can see her quivering violently. I grab a blanket from the back of the car, and wrap it around her body.

“T-thank y-y-you.” Her teeth chatter as she speaks. I smile kindly, and pull her out of the passenger seat and into my lap, rubbing her arms in attempt to warm her up. She continues to shake intolerably as she curls up against me. She had gone from confident to enormously vulnerable within a small number of minutes. I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, and kiss the sensitive skin beneath her earlobe.
****
This had been the best day in my life.

The ocean had been utterly striking, in spite of how icy it was. Then Kristopher had gotten us an incredible hotel room with a great view of the coastline. He had done so much to make this an amazing road trip.

‘I don’t deserve any of this’

My eyes close when I hear his footsteps from behind me. They get closer and closer until I can feel his hot breath on the back of my neck. His arms are constricted around my waist, and his lips are suddenly attached at my neck.

“God, you’re so beautiful.” He whispers amid kisses.

‘Then why do I feel so hideous?’

My head lolls to the side, and I gnaw on my lower lip when his teeth sink into the skin on my collarbone. He had been exceptionally affectionate these past few days, but I wasn’t about to whine.

He made me feel loved.

His big hand skims past the hemline of my top and rubs my hipbone in a comforting pattern. I moan in protest when he pulls his lips away from my skin.

“Sophie, look at yourself, see how beautiful you are.” He grasps my chin, “please open your eyes.”

I am met with my own reflection in the glass of the window when I open them. I resist the urge to squeeze them shut again. I stare at myself, not liking the way I look at all. My nose is kind of big, my cheeks are chubby, and my hair is a mess. That’s not the part that gets to me though.

I take in all of my hideous scars, wishing they could magically vanish.

Kristopher gazes at my facial expression in the window, noticing the tears of resentment in my eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Have you not seen these scars?” I sob out and he buries his face in my neck, evidently disgruntled with my answer.

“I have seen them, and you know what I think?” he wipes away the tears on my cheek, “I think they make you even more beautiful. Each one tells a story about what you’ve been through. Even though they aren’t good stories, they have made you who you are to this day.”

I twist around and look up at him, leaning against the cold window. He strokes my cheek comfortingly and murmurs sweet little nothings into my ear.

“You haven’t seen all of them. Sure, you’ve seen a lot, but you haven’t even seen the really nasty ones. I have some really bad scars, ones that would gross you out.” I try to convince him, but he has none of it.

“Like what?” He challenges, “Sophia, what are y--“

I shush him as I lug my shirt over my head, trying not to feel so insecure. The only thing I am wearing underneath my top is a navy blue bra. His profound eyes stare at me in astonishment; he had never seen me like this before.

“Oh” he gasps when he notices the reason I had stripped of my shirt in the first place. His eyes are large as he takes in the huge scar that runs from in between my breasts to the waistband of the plaid pajama bottoms I am wearing. The scar is a bright pearly colour that grows darker the lower it gets to my belly button.

“Now do you understand? This is not beautiful, this is permanent, and it’s never going to go away. Every time I change my clothes, or take a shower I have to look at this and be reminded of what he has done to me. These scars have ruined me, physically and emotionally. They have made me believe that I am ugly and no one will ever want me.”

His eyes sadden at my unexpected fit of hysteria.

He steps forward and grasps my face in his hands; he tries greatly to calm me down without any success.

Why does everything always have to fall apart when I’m happy?

He grabs my arm benevolently, “Follow me.” I obey his command and follow him to the bathroom. He turns me around, so I am standing in front of the big mirror on the wall. I want to die when I take in my revolting exterior. One arm hooks around my waist securely, while the other firmly grabs my chin.

“Look,” he says unwaveringly, “look at that beautiful woman in the mirror. Look at those big blue eyes that every female wishes she had. Look at how they shine so bright even with her horrible past. She’s been through two lifetimes of agony; she really knows how cruel people can be. Yet, she has the biggest heart. She finds beauty in every living thing.” His sweet words leaves me out of breath. No one had ever said anything so kind to me. I gaze into the mirror, smiling when his warm fingertips glide across my hips.

He bows his head down so his lips are right next to my ear, I tremble when his tepid breath tickles my ear, “Look at her gorgeous smile, best one I’ve seen in my life. Biggest dimples and the cutest lips,” he places feathery kisses along the back of my neck and shoulder, “I bet she has a boyfriend who absolutely loves her, and misses her more than anything when he has to leave. I bet he annoys all of his friends, because all he can think and talk about is how much he wants to see her beautiful face”

“…And her scars?” I speak softly as I take in the unsightly marks all over my torso.

“Mmm,” he lifts his head from my shoulder, placing it on top of my hair, “her scars add to her beauty. It shows me all of the pain she’s been through and just how strong she is. They tell me that she deserves to be loved twice as much, and to handle her heart very delicately, because it is awfully fragile.” His fingers skim across to the middle of my stomach, and he traces the scar past my belly button, and up between my breasts. He lays his palm flat against the top of my left breast, and I blush.

Then I realize what he is doing.

His brown orbs meet my blue ones in the mirror as he feels my heart thump against my chest. I sink back against his torso, basking in the heat radiating from him.

Love is fear, love is uncertainty, and love is particularly powerful.

Perhaps that is why so many people are frightened to confess that they are in love, because they are afraid to take the risk. I’ve witnessed people fall in love, and even fall out of love when that ember gives out. I have experienced the pain of losing someone I love, and now I have experienced the feeling of winning love.

I used to believe I was incapable of loving someone.

Standing in this bathroom, wrapped up in Kristopher’s powerful arms, I realized that I had been wrong.

I realized all of those ruthless insults that were spewed out at me had all been a lie. No, I was perfectly capable of loving someone, just like everyone else on this planet. What makes me so different anyways? Sure, I had ugly scars and horrible memories, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve love.

Sometimes it takes a diminutive incident to comprehend how much you need someone.
****
“What are you up to?” Kris asks suspiciously when he saunters into the bathroom, seeing me delimited by bubbles in the large tub.

I grin, “Just thought I would take a bath before we head out. This bathtub is huge.” I giggle when he plops down next to the tub. He rests his head on the side, and I cautiously reach out to touch his hair. It’s always so soft, and today is no exception

He ponders for a few moments as I continue to play with his hair, “You know I have a big bathtub also. With jets and everything.”

“Mmm, is that so?” I feel a smirk tug at the corner of my lips. I sink down further into the water, so my shoulders are submerged in the hot water. Even though it had been cloudy when we had went to the beach yesterday, I still managed to get a slight sunburned.

“Yep,” he adds emphasis on the ‘e’, “and I have that heavy comforter on my bed that you love so much. You know, the black one with the Penguins logo on it? I always see you rolling around in it whenever you spend the nights.”

I smile, “Mhm, it smells like you.”

“Yeah, that’s another thing. I’m pretty sure my closet is about to go empty with all of my jackets and shirts you’ve been taking… not that I don’t mind! I know how comforting it is to you for some reason. I notice also how you’re nightmares are starting to go away, not completely, but it is starting to improve. It’s not just you though; I used to have some bad dreams too. Sometimes they were about Luc, or about my friends and family, and they were never pleasant dreams, but every time I fall asleep with you by my side, I always have amazing dreams. Whenever we have home games, I always look forward to my pregame nap because you’re usually there with me. I know how much you love taking your naps. I know some days you’re not in the best of spirits, but you should know I will always be there for you, even if you’re all pissy because you’re menstruating or whatever and I--“

His eyes widen when I cover my red face, “Merde, did I say something wrong?!”

“I can’t believe you just said menstruating.” I bust out into a fit of laughter, “you’ve been hanging around with Max too much.”

He pouts, “I’m just saying, I don’t really mind dealing with an irritable lady. I will drive down to the nearest Pharmacy and buy you tampons if it cheers you up. I am a man!”

Despite my laughter, I perceive a hint of anxiety in his brown eyes.

“Not that I don’t enjoy you’re lovely voice, but why are you ranting Kristopher?”

He scratches the back of his neck, “I’ve been thinking a lot lately. When I’m not on the road you’re usually at my house, or I’m at yours. I mean we practically live together already, including Frankie, I know how much he loves my backyard.”

I smile encouragingly at Kris, wanting him to continue whatever he has to tell me.

“So how about you just move in with me?”