Breathe Me

I never quite understood the way of which life works.

Why do the nicest, and most innocent people die when they shouldn't? Death was something I got acquainted with at a very young age. When I was just 4, I had watched my grandpa waste away in a coma. I didn't understand death at the time, how can someone be with you your whole life, and then they're just gone the next day? My dad had told me that it's part of life, when someone grows old and they've lived a full life, they go to heaven.

Then my dad died, and I realized everything he told me was a lie.

There's a lot of people who don't get to live a full life before they die. There's children and even new borns who die every single day. I'm lucky to be alive today and I know it. If Ryan wouldn't have killed me, I knew that somewhere along the line I would have just done it myself. I feel foolish now that I think about it considering the amazing life I'm currently living. I have an affectionate boyfriend, who is also my best friend, and all of the guys on the team treat me like a part of their dysfunctional family. They argue a lot, and sometimes they don't agree with each other's decisions, but it's still a family nonetheless.

My mom never did, and probably never will love me.

The thought of it just about brings bitter tears to my eyes. She had taken a valuable amount of my childhood away from me, and I would never get that back. I could never hate her though, I just don't have it in me. I tried to blame her drug addiction for all of the abuse I received from my mom, surely that was the reason she said all of those harsh things to me? There had to be a reason why she would just let Ryan beat me and rape me everyday, but I couldn't think of any besides her addiction.

I attempt to tell myself that none of this is my fault.

I heard it every single day from Kristopher and Pascal that I didn't deserve any of the abuse, but after 10 years of the brutal insults and fatal beatings it really gets to your head. You blame everything on yourself, and you stay awake at night, wondering why you always have to screw everything up. How can I tell myself that none of this is my fault when I always ruined everything? And how am I supposed to tell myself that everything is going to be okay when my mother is trying to search for me in Pittsburgh. I had gotten an angry voice mail from my mother only a few days ago and I still hadn't told Kris.

I knew he was already stressed out enough, I couldn't possibly drop my problems on his shoulders.

“Ma belle, what are you doing up? It's only 2.” Kristopher's lethargic voice disrupts my thoughts, and I watch as he rubs his eyes with balled up fists, and stifles a yawn that's bubbling up his throat.

“I'm just thinking,” I press my hand to his cheek and his eyes close, “just go back to sleep, it doesn't matter.”

He struggles to open his eyes, “Non, it's okay, I don't mind talking.”

“It's 2 in the morning, and you have practice tomorrow.” I bite my lip guiltily when he can't suppress his yawn anymore.

“Thank you captain obvious,” he teases lightheartedly, “I really don't my Sophia. I doubt a few minutes without sleep will kill me.”

I let out a shaky sigh, “I was thinking about my mom actually.”

He seems fully awake now, and his deep brown eyes look into my blue ones, “What brought this on?”

I want to tell him about my mom trying to get a hold of me, but I push the thought aside, “I don't know, I guess I've just been thinking a lot lately.”

Kristopher eyes me skeptically, “Please tell me the truth, you're a horrible liar Sophia.”

I sigh heavily and turn over so I'm lying on my back and facing the ceiling, “She's really upset about Ryan going to jail. She found out there's going to be a trial and that Ryan could possibly go to jail for a very long time. She's not happy with me at all and I don't know what she's going to do next.”

“Do you think she's really going to do something bad?”Kris asks delicately, playing with a strand of my hair.

I nod, “You don't know my mother. She's not going to just sit by and watch Ryan go to jail, she's going to do everything in her power to prove him innocent.” My vision starts to become blurry, and I quickly close my eyes. I really don't want to cry right now.

“Maybe she'll just let it go?” He tries to comfort me without any success, “Sophia, there's something I want you to know. Even if Ryan is proven innocent, that's not going to change anything. I'm still going to protect you, and I won't let Ryan lay a hand on you. No matter what happens, we'll always have each other, and that's all we'll ever need.”

I wipe my eyes, “You're too good to me, Kris.”

He shakes his head, “It's because I love you. I'm never this nice to anyone else.” He teases playfully.

I giggle, “Don't worry, I won't tell the guys. I wouldn't want to ruin your bad boy image on the ice.” I press a kiss to his cheek, smiling when his facial hair tickles my jaw.

He pulls me so I'm laying on my side and he wraps a heavy arm protectively around my waist. He nestles his face in the crook of my neck and presses a kiss to the base of my neck. This display of affection comforts me, and before I know it I'm dozing off into a dreamless land. Kris' warm breath leaves goosebumps on my sensitive skin every time he exhales.

His words continue to run through my mind, “No matter what happens, we'll always have each other, and that's all we'll ever need.”

But I can't fight back the gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach.
****
I'm startled when I wake up and realize it's already past noon.

I must have been more tired than I originally thought. I pull on a pair of jeans and a black v-neck tee shirt before throwing my hair up into a messy bun. I shiver when the bottoms of my feet make contact with the cold wooden floors, and I make my way down stairs where loud laughter can be heard. There's five grown men hunting in the kitchen, looking for food while Kris makes grilled cheese and macaroni and cheese for everyone. I squeeze past all of the guys, only being acknowledged by Sidney and Marc who give me small hugs. Max, Jordan, and Geno are all fighting over a bag of potato chips they have miraculously found.

I walk over to Kris' side and stand next to him while he finishes flipping the sandwiches, “I was starting to get worried you weren't going to wake up.” he says with a weak smile. His arm idly wraps around my waist and plays with the hem of my t-shirt. We just stand their quietly, enjoying each other's company, and Max's terrible jokes.

At one point Kristopher reaches up with his free hand and plays with a strand of hair on the back of my neck that has escaped my bun. Everyone watches this physical interaction between us silently, and they stare at us like we're some show on the Discovery Channel. They finally stop when Kris hands them their food, and they all file out to the main room where they're watching TSN highlights, leaving us to ourselves.

“Sleep good?” He asks.

“I did actually. Thanks for the talk last night, it really helped.” I hop onto the island in the middle of the kitchen and he throws me a reassuring smile, wordlessly telling me that it's fine. He walks over to me and stands in between my legs. He's more quiet than he normally is, and I start to worry. Something's wrong, and I can see in his eyes that he's suffering. I've never seen that look in his eyes, and I feel my breath get caught in my throat when I feel the vulnerability just radiating from his sluggish body.

“You've been acting a little weird since Tuesday, are you sure everything is okay?” He asks with a great amount of worry in his eyes. Tuesday... that's when my mom tried to call me.

I instantly tense up, “Yeah, I think I might be a little sick is all.” I feel guilty the second it comes out of my mouth. I've never lied to Kris, and I suddenly feel queasy.

“Are you sure? This isn't about Max interrupting us when we were about to-”

“No!” I let out a small cough and try to calm down, “I mean, no, it's not about that.”

He frowns at my defensive tone, and his brown eyes narrow in annoyance when he realizes I'm lying. Of course everything had been awkward after Max interrupted us as we were about to get it on, but we had gotten over and decided to actually talk. We came to a conclusion that it was the best choice to just wait and take our relationship slower.

“Here,” Kris hands me a diminutive white pill and a glass of water, “you were supposed to take it in the morning, but I didn't want to wake you up.”

I cringe when I swig the medication down my throat with a gulp of fresh water. Kristopher's face is void of all emotion, and I suddenly feel terrified. I should have just told him the truth instead of trying to cover it up. I continue to sit on the island, watching Kris' back as he washes the dishes. The silence in the air is unbelievably suspenseful, and Max notices when he walks into the kitchen for seconds. He glances at us for only a few moments, a questioning look apparent on his features.

Kris waits until we are alone to speak again, “When you actually want to tell me what's bothering you, then let me know. I'm not even going to try to get you to talk to me because there's no point in trying.”

“Kris, I-”

“Just don't Sophia. I'm not in the fucking mood.” His decent mood, has turned sour within a few minutes and it stuns me. He storms angrily out of the kitchen, leaving me to my own thoughts. The image of his enraged brown eyes run through my mind continuously.

My mouth drops open at his bitter tone. He sounds pissed off, and I've never heard him talk to me like that before. It knocks the air out of me, I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach as my vision starts to swim. I thought I had been helping him by not throwing all of my problems in his face. I cover my face, but the tears don't fall. I'm still in a state between shock and horror. I feel like I'm frozen to the island, and I can't even move when Geno enters the kitchen and tries to find out what's wrong. He gives up and merely wraps his arms around my shoulders.

Then everything hits me with a vengeance

It's February 16th.
****
'God dammit, you fucked up again!' I think to myself furiously before I down another shot of Vodka. I had never been a heavy drinker, even when the guys and I went out to clubs I was usually appointed the designated driver. I hated the aftermath of alcohol, how it makes you spill all of your secrets, and how it makes you sick the next morning. I wasn't a pleasant drunk either, which was the main reason I had refrained from drinking alcohol.

“Kris, maybe I should take you home.” Marc says softly, always one to step up to the plate and be loyal no matter what.

“It's his birthday.” I murmur quietly, puzzling Flower instantaneously.

“What?”

“February 16. It's his birthday and he's not even here to celebrate” I choke out, doing everything in my power to not cry.

Recognition flashes on his features, “I'm sorry Kris.”

I run a hand through my unruly hair, it hadn't been the first time I heard that sentence today. Friends, family, even players from different teams had been calling and emailing me their apologies. For what? It's not like any of it is their fault. I never understood why people say that after someone dies. You're sorry for what? Sorry for not being able to comfort me, or sorry that they're gone and never coming back?

Marc grabs my arm, and drags me out of the almost empty bar. Never in my life did I think Pittsburgh could be refreshing in any way possible, but in that moment it felt like the freshest air I had ever inhaled. Marc sits me down on an old and squeaky bench, and takes a seat right next to me. Watching quietly as I sink back, my head lolls backward so it's pointed up to the cloudy sky, and I sob pathetically. I cry for Luc, who never got a chance to live his life to the fullest, I cry for Sophia who I've hurt, and I cry because I hate myself in that moment.

I say the first rational thought that enters my brain, “Sophia, I was so mean to her... I fucked up Flower. She didn't want to tell me and I-”

“It's okay man, let me get you home, back to Sophia and then you can just-”

“Why would she want to fucking see me right now?! She was just trying to be nice to me, and I went off on her” I shoot up from the bench, running my hands through my hair angrily. Marc tries to stop me as I punch the side of the building furiously. My knuckles are instantly bleeding when they collide with the brick wall. It's not until I've calmed down completely when I feel the pain shoot up my fist and up my arm.

I sit back down on the bench and find myself nodding off until I hear Marc's voice again. I can't stop the tears from pouring out of my tired eyes. I feel fucking pathetic as people pass by me silently, it's only a little past 11 and I'm already hammered.

“Yeah, you sure you don't mind?” Marc pauses for a few, “Alright, thanks Sophia.”

“She's going to be here in a couple of minutes to take you home.” I open my mouth to protest but he speaks up again, “I don't care if you think she hates your fucking guts because she doesn't. She's really sad because she thinks you hate her.”

I wipe my eyes angrily, “I could never hate her though.”

“Well let her know that. I know you're having a horrible day, but that doesn't mean you can take it out on her. She deserves better.” Marc says firmly, and he sounds completely different from his normal, goofy self.

“I didn't mean to say that to her. It's just been a really shitty day and I could tell she was lying to me when I asked her what was wrong.” I choke back another sob. We sit in silence until Sophia arrives in my truck. She pulls up to the curb, and hops out of the driver's seat. She looks tired and I feel guilty immediately.

“Thank you.” She says delicately to Marc, who nods his head and gives her a small hug. I wrap my arm around her shoulder, and she wraps her tiny arm around my torso, trying to keep me balanced. I feel embarrassed for the first time in front of her. The fact that she has to see me like this almost makes me cry again, but I push those thoughts back.

She has seen worse anyways.

When we're both settled in our seats in the car, she sits there for a few moments, and I wonder how long she's going to sit there for. She moves closer to me, settling herself into the middle seat of the truck.

I'm shocked when her arms enfold around me, but I don't question it.

It's the first time anyone has even attempted to really comfort me all day, and it actually works. I embrace her snugly as the tears keep coming, apologies automatically spew from my mouth, but she shushes me, and cradles my head to the crook of her neck as I cry. I'm not hysterical anymore, and my tears are from a mixture of sadness and happiness. Sadness because Luc isn't here to celebrate his birthday with friends and family, and a little happiness because Sophia is here comforting me. I ponder if this is how she feels whenever I comfort her after a nightmare or when she's just having a bad day.

I clutch her tighter when she speaks words that I have previously told her.

“It's okay, I'm here now, and I always will be. No matter what happens, we'll always have each other, and that's all we'll ever need.”