Breathe Me

“I don't think you realize what you've done to me.”

My mother freezes in her tracks, and turns to face me, her blue eyes are broad with disorder. I try to tell myself that it's not too late for her, that she can still get help, but I already know she's beyond the point of being repaired. I've never hated anyone in my life, but standing just a few feet away from my mother in the pouring rain, I realize that I absolutely despise her with everything in my heart and soul. She could have stopped everything if she would have just tried; the constant beatings, all the times I was raped, the verbal abuse.

She knew all about it, yet she chose to do nothing about it.

“Excuse me?”

I let out a shaky sigh, “Do you realize how many nightmares I have every week? They're always about the same thing, being hit or raped. You want to know the worst part about it?” I ask, but she doesn't answer me.

“The worst part of it is how real it feels. Every time he hits me, it's like I can actually feel it. I can always smell the blood and taste it in my mouth, I can feel his hands squeezing at my throat so I can't breath, I can hear his laughter as he tries to take my clothes off. I'll never be able to forget it! It's like it's permanently imprinted in my mind.”

Dread starts to slowly resonate throughout my whole body when I look into her eyes and realize she doesn't care.

“Y-You could have stopped it.” I sob pitiably, “But you didn't, and I hope you knows that makes you a shitty person, and I will never forgive you.”

“Don't you understand?!” She screams furiously, “There was nothing I could do! I love Ryan and he loves me, I would never do anything to put our relationship in danger, which means helping you.” She sneers bitterly, venom dripping from each word.

I feel like I've just been punched in the gut, the harsh words hurt more than they should.

“Did you ever, just once, to stop and think about all the damage you both have caused me? Does any of it matter to you?” I ask desperately.

She stares down at her ridiculously tall heels, “I wish I could tell you that I love you, that I'm sorry and I regret everything I've done... but I just can't.”

“Go away.” I say through clenched teeth, she doesn't move and that infuriates me even more, “Go away! Just fucking leave already, go back to Ryan, I hope he makes you miserable. I hope he puts you through the pain he's put me through!”

It's such a dreadful thing to say, and no matter how much I may detest her, I don't mean the awful words. For anyone to have to go through that type of pain would be an atrocity in itself. I turn around on my heel and march back into the warm house, making sure to lock the front door. I sit back down on the couch and tuck my knees underneath my chin, suddenly aware that I'm still clutching the letter from Ryan in my shaking hand. I run a hand through my now sopping wet hair before tearing the envelope open. It's not a long letter like I expected it to be, instead it's only a few words long.

To my lovely stepdaughter,

I hope you know this battle isn't over yet, it's quite far from it actually.

I drop the letter, the simple sentence leaves me shaking. As much as I wish I could say that the statement doesn't scare me, it actually terrifies me. I can't tell if he's intentionally trying to be threatening, or if I'm just starting to lose my mind.

My phone buzzes from the arm of the couch, and I hastily grab it, hoping that Ryan or my mom didn't somehow manage to find out my number.

Despite the sadness that consumes me from head to toe, the illuminated name on my screen instantly makes me smile. My fingertips trace over the letters of his name and I stare at his contact picture for a few moments, realizing how much I miss his handsome, bearded face.

I open my messages and read the text with a smile.

'I miss you, can't wait to be back home tonight :)'

I wipe the tears from my eyes with the side of my index finger. I don't think he will ever comprehend how much the smallest gestures mean to me. When he randomly wakes up in the middle of the night to kiss me or tell me he loves me, how he always stays awake until I fall asleep, no matter how tired he is, how he always makes me spaghetti when I'm having a bad day. Everything he does for me always comforts me, and that means the world to me.

'I miss you too, have a safe trip back <3'

'I don't know about that, Pascal is driving.'

I laugh and I can just imagine Kris rolling his big brown eyes as he typed out the message. It has only been a week since I had last seen him, but I felt like it had been two lifetimes. I hated not being able to see his crooked smile, or not being able to touch his soft hair, or being able to hold his large hand that I often compared to a bear paw.

I sigh, hopefully I can stay sane for a few more hours.
****
“Ow! God fucking dammit.”

Curses spew from my mouth unintentionally as I stub my toe on the coffee table for the third time in a row. No matter how hard I always tried to avoid it, the coffee table seemed to magically appear from thin air and right in front of my damn foot. My feet feel like heavy weights as I maneuver through the dark house, trying not to ram my foot into anything. I practically throw my dufflebag at the foot of the stairs, risking the consequences of Sophia scolding me about it later. I try to be as quiet as I can when I walk up the stairs, I would never want to wake her up.

My concerns are put to rest when I enter our bedroom and see her sleeping peacefully on my side of the bed. I can barely see her underneath the ocean of blankets that are covering her petite body. I smile to myself, just to see her after a long, stressful week is such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders; even if she is sleeping. I shake my head when I detect Frankie lying curled up at Sophia's feet, literally snoring with his face sticking up in the air.

I tug at my tie restlessly and strip myself of my formal attire in exchange for a pair of comfortable sweats. My heart flutters in my chest when I lift up the comforter and slide in the bed, next to Sophia's body. I relax against the heavenly mattress and lightly curl my arm around Sophia's waist. Her hair smells like rain, and the rest of her body smells like honey and milk; so natural, yet intoxicating at the same time. I soon forget about my aching muscles and my tired mind, because all I can think about is how nice it is to have Sophia in my arms again.

Her body shifts against mine and her back is suddenly pressed tightly to my front, she rests her head on my bicep and her tiny hand grips my forearm tightly, like it's some type of mental support for her. I can tell just from her movements that she's wide awake, and I wonder if she's had trouble sleeping again.

We stay completely still for a few minutes, and I try to calm myself down. Her ass is pressed tightly into my groin, and the honey and milk aroma that radiates from her skin does nothing to alleviate the tight pain that my lower regions are experiencing.

“I missed you.” I murmur, and kiss the skin underneath her earlobe.

“I can tell.” She bursts out into a fit of giggles, and just like that, all of the awkwardness has dissipated from the room. I laugh along with her, no longer feeling embarrassed.

“I missed you too Kristopher.” She says after we both calm down. I love how the sound of my name rolls from her tongue, mixed in with her adorable accent.

I start to doze off, but she speaks again and I'm suddenly wide awake.

“My mother is here in Pittsburgh.” Her voice is almost inaudible, but I hear it loud and clear.

I'm not astonished by her statement, “I kind of figured she would be sooner or later.”

'Apparently sooner than later' I think to myself begrudgingly

Her hand grips my forearm despairingly, “She visited me earlier.”

“What did she have to say?”

She hesitates, “She wanted to give me a letter from Ryan,” she turns over in my arms so she's facing me, her blue eyes are full of concern and at first I think it's because of Ryan, but when she speaks again she surprises me.

“You should have seen her Kris,” her eyes get glossy, “She looked terrible, like she had a disease or something. I didn't even recognize her at first, she looked so... dead.”

I always knew Sophia as an affectionate, endearing person. Watching her pour her heart out to me about her abusive mother, I realized just how big of a heart she truly has. She could deny it all she wanted to, but deep down in the very depths of her soul, she still cared about her mother. She had already lost one parent, she was scared to lose the other.

“le miel d'amour,” she giggles at the nickname I have given her, “I can tell you're worried about your mother and I-”

She scowls, “I am not worried about her.”

I raise my eyebrows, “Really? You look pretty fucking terrified to me.”

She pinches the bridge of her nose, letting out a frustrated groan, “I never asked for any of this. When did my life become so freaking stressful?”

I choose my next words carefully, “I don't think you're stressed,” I ignore the glare she sends my way, “I think you're scared of this whole situation, but I mean, who wouldn't be? It sucks that you have to go through all of this shit, with Ryan and your mother. I can tell you're scared, not because of having to face Ryan after so many years of abuse, but because of all of these emotions you've never felt before. You're scared to hate anyone, you always have been. That's just how you are Soph, you say you hate your mother, but I know you could never truly hate her. You're not capable of hating anyone, you've experienced too much hatred in your life to actually feel it.”

The back of her hand wipes against her cheeks, trying to inconspicuously hide the tears that are now falling from her blue eyes.

I feel guilty now, I didn't mean to make her cry.

“Tell me,” she whispers, “How the hell I'm supposed to get through this.”

I try to come up with a logical answer.

“You don't,” I say slowly, “You have to overcome it, show them that you're stronger than what they think. Don't give them the satisfaction of letting them see the pain they've caused you, because that will only make them more confident. That's the best type of revenge, letting them see that you have moved on and you're happy and that you're life is so much better now.”

“You put too much faith in me.” She whispers bashfully.

“Maybe, you don't put enough faith in yourself,” I respond quietly, “You underestimate yourself Sophia, you're the strongest person I know, and I've met a lot of tough people.”

She nods and lets my words soak in, “I hope you know how much I love you Kristopher, you always know what to say to me.” She presses her hands to my cheeks, and places a loving kiss on my lips. My fingers clutch at the hoodie she's wearing, which also happens to be one of mine. I had missed her innocent kisses on the one week road trip.

“I love you too Sophia... even if you are related to the most annoying guy on the team.” I tease lightheartedly.

She punches me in the arm, “You know he only means well.”

I laugh at her poor excuse for Pascal Dupuis' childish behaviour, “Yeah yeah, now get some sleep le miel d'amour. And no more nightmares, okay?”

My heart turns to putty in my chest when she gazes up at me innocently, “I'll try.”

I want to tell her that even if she wakes up screaming from a nightmare, I'll still be there to comfort her until she falls back asleep again.

But before I know it, she's already sound asleep.
****
“GOOOOD MORNING SUNSHINE, IT'S ANOTHER SHITTY DAY IN PITTSBURGH, WITH A HIGH OF 68 AND A LOW OF GET THE FUCK OUT OF BED BEFORE I GET A BUCKET OF COLD WATER.”

I groan, “You have got to be kidding me.” I grab a pillow and use it to block out Jordan's annoying voice. Jordan proceeds to yank the covers off of me and throws me over his shoulder. I don't even struggle, there's really no point in try to stop Jordan Staal from anything he does.

“Morning chéri” Max Talbot says as we pass him and Geno in the main room.

“What, did the whole team decide to come over for a fucking party?” I reply, not in the best of spirits after Jordan's crude wake up call.

Max snorts, “Sidney, Marc, and Vero are in the kitchen helping Kris with breakfast, we got tired of waiting for you to wake up.”

"So you sent in Jordan.” I say with a huff.

He grins and I want to slap it off his dorky face, “We sure did.”

Jordan continues into the kitchen, “Look who I have!” He shouts and sets me down on the island in the centre of the kitchen.

Kris glances over his shoulder and scowls at Jordan when he sees me sitting on the island, ready to fall asleep again.

“Didn't I tell you to let her sleep in?” He gives me an apologetic look, and I smile sleepily at him.

Jordan pouts like a little kid, “Why do ya have to hog Sophia? You're not the only one who loves her y'know.”

“Yeah!” Geno shouts, and is suddenly by my side. He smushes my cheeks together, a feeble attempt to cheer me up. Everyone in the kitchen, including Kris, busts out laughing at the ridiculous face I am now making. Sidney's high pitched laugh resonates throughout the whole fucking house, and I can't contain my laughter anymore. When Sidney is laughing like a teenage girl, it's impossible to be mad at anything in life.

I slap Geno's hands away and hop off of the counter, deciding to sit at the dining table next to Vero and Marc.

“How have you been?” She asks, genuinely concerned.

I smile at her sincerity, “A lot better. I'm just so happy all of the guys are back, I really missed everyone.”

'Especially Kris'

Vero gives me a knowing look, “It is hard at first, but it does get easier over time.” She gazes up at Marc, and the look of pure love in both of their eyes fills me with warmth. They're so perfect together, and I can already tell that they're going to be with each other for a very long time.

I yawn and Sidney chuckles, “I tried to talk Jordan out of waking you up, I've seen how cranky women can get when they haven't had enough sleep.”

“Are you sure they're just not on their rag?!” Jordan yells from the fridge with a mouthful of food. I shake my head at the Staal brother, hoping I never have the pleasure of meeting any of his other brothers.

Sid sees the look on my face and grins, “You think he's terrible now, you should see him and Jared together, now that's fucking terrifying.”

Everyone at the table shudders, and I laugh.

“So what are you guys doing today?” Vero inquires after a few minutes of silence.

“Coach Dan gave us the day off so I figured we could all go out and do something fun.” Marc suggests.

Vero perks up, “Kris, have you taken Sophia to the Pittsburgh Zoo?

Kris avoids her scowl when he shakes his head innocently.

“We should go to the zoo! The Pittsburgh Zoo is amazing, Marc and I went a couple months ago for a charity event and they had so many different animals.” She states enthusiastically.

“Are there elephants?”

Max chuckles at my joy, “Of cour-”

“AND MOTHERFUCKING LIONS!”

Everyone watches as Jordan proceeds to imitate a lion, it's actually pretty convincing with his long, blonde hair and all. Max and Geno help Kristopher hand out plates, full of french toast, bacon, hashbrowns, eggs, and fresh fruit. My stomach growls viciously as Kris sets a plate down in front of me, and sits in the chair next to mine. I dig in instantly, thanking Kris plenty of times for the delicious food.

“Ha, I get it!” Jordan says as I take a bite out of my french toast, “French toast for the Frenchie!”

Everyone groans at his terrible joke, even Sidney, who has the worst jokes, is shaking his head at Jordan.

I glance around the table, and bite back the impulse to tell everyone just how much they mean to me.
****
“ROOOAAARR”

Everyone stopped what they were doing and watched as the 6'4 blonde hockey player roared back at one of the lions. Some people passing by knew who he was, others just thought he was a weirdo with mental issues. Jordan continues to try to get the lion's attention, but most of them are either eating or sleeping. I pick up Zoe in my arms as she nearly face plants into the icy ground and look around for Pascal to take his 3 year old daughter. We had decided to invite the team, and all of the parents had agreed almost right away. I see Sophia out of the corner of my eye and when I look at her I instantly grin; one of the animal trainers is holding a lion cub in his arms as Sophia pets it lovingly.

“Another victim, eh?” Pascal says when he sees the animal trainer staring at Sophia in awe. Pascal grabs Zoe from my arms and plants a kiss on her forehead. We both watch with amused grins as the man nearly turns to putty in Sophia's presence.

I shrug and try to ignore the smirk on my face, “Must be the dimples.”

But I know better, it's impossible as a guy to not be immediately affected by Sophia's bashful, yet charming personality.

The guys' legs nearly wobble as Sophia bids him a goodbye, sending him a large smile in the process, her dimples on full display. I shake my head as she skips over to me and grabs my hand, leading me towards the Giraffe exhibit.

“Having fun?” I ask, noticing the sparkle in her blue eyes.

“I am,” she answers truthfully, “thanks for bringing me along. I haven't been to the zoo in such a long time.”

We both quiet down, and we walk in a comfortable silence, enjoying all of the animals and different scenery. I wonder how long it has been since she's been to a zoo,then I figure it was probably before her dad died. It's not like her mom and stepfather ever let her go anywhere in the first place.

“So I've been thinking a lot lately...” I say slowly.

She raises her eyebrows in uncertainty, “About what?”

“My mom is coming down next week for the Caps game.” I reply quietly.

“Oh,” her eyes lower to the ground, “That means I would have to meet her, no?”

I nod and watch helplessly as her shoulders slouch and a painful look shoots through her eyes.

“What if she doesn't like me?” She inquires, now terrified, “In case you haven't noticed I'm not the most outgoing person.”

She covers her face with her small hands, now mortified, “Oh God, she's probably expecting a beautiful, blonde woman who has funny jokes and big boobs. I have none of those!”

I cover my laugh with a cough and she glares at me, “Okay, now you're just being ridiculous.”

She scowls and tries to look intimidating, but she's as intimidating as a little kitten, “It's not funny! You're mom probably has high standards for her son's girlfriend, and I probably don't meet any one of those standards.”

I step in front of her and grab her chin, she gazes up at me urgently, “Don't worry Sophia, I already know my mother is going to love you considering I never shut up about you in the first place. Honestly, you don't have to worry about it.”

She sighs, now defeated, “I don't really have a choice do I?”

I shake my head and smirk at her, “Just be your charming self and she'll instantly love you.”

She snorts, “Since when am I charming, Kris?”

“Since you met me.” I answer smartly.

“You're too much sometimes, you know that right?”