Let Me Be The One To Save You

My eyelids drooped and I had to shake my head in an attempt to clear it. My brain pounded behind my eyes and all I wanted to do was sleep, but every time I shut my eyes - even if just for a moment - horrible images flashed across my eyes. It had made sleeping near impossible.

“Hey C, you okay?”

I straightened up and forced a smile before turning to Frank, “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

He eyed me apprehensively before shrugging, “Just wondering. You look kind of tired.”

Bob cocked his head to the side, staring at me with worry in his baby blue eyes, “Y’know, Frankie’s right, you do look pretty tired.”

I rolled my eyes and forced a convincing laugh, “Are you feeling okay Bobbert? You never agree with Frankie.”

The blonde boy sitting opposite me scowled, “Don’t try to change the subject.”

“Fine,” I sighed. “I was up all night with cramps. I didn’t get a lot of sleep.”

This wasn’t really a lie. My period had started the evening before and I had gotten really bad cramps. But they weren’t the reason I couldn’t sleep. In fact I’d been, for the first time in my life, glad to get my period. It meant I might, someday, be able to forget about that horrible night. There’d be no child to remind me of it.

“C, you’ve looked tired for the past week so don’t lie about it. What’s wrong?” Bob eyed me suspiciously and I wondered what he thought my reasons for being tired were.

I shrugged, my face nonchalant, “I’m so tired because I was up all night having crazy sex with Toro over there.”

Ray blushed madly and tried to deny the allegation through embarrassed stuttering. Mikey, Frank and Bob just stared at me in shock, whilst Gerard was biting his lip, fighting back laughter at my immature joke. His expression made my impassive façade crack and I began giggling, tears spilling down my face as I held my sides.

“That wasn’t funny Ciara,” Ray whined, still embarrassed.

“I’m sorry,” I smiled apologetically and wiped tears from my eyes, feeling sober once more.

“C’mon C,” Mikey spoke seriously, giving me a stern look over the nerdy glasses that perched on the end of his narrow nose. “Tell us what’s really wrong.”

I sighed loudly and closed my eyes. They weren’t going to drop this. Mentioning my period - which usually would have them running away- or making a couple of jokes weren’t going to make them forget their original question. They were intent on getting an answer from me.

“I haven’t been sleeping well lately,” I told them truthfully. “I mean, I want to sleep, but there are nightmares when I try.”

Frankie smiled sympathetically and took my hand. His guitar calloused fingers rubbed rough circles on the palm of my hand.

“What are the dreams about?” Mikey asked, “Maybe we can help them go away.”

“I. . . I don’t remember them,” I lied. The guys didn’t know anything about that night and I planned on keeping it that way.

“Oh okay, well I hope they go away soon.”

I aimed a forced smile at the nerdy boy, “I hope so too Mikes, I really do.”

The conversation moved on and I relaxed, no longer having to worry about awkward questions that I didn’t want to answer. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Gerard staring as me sadly, with curiosity and concern in his hazel eyes.



Sitting in English I let my mind drift, trying to think happy thoughts and avoiding think about that night. A ball of paper suddenly landed almost silently on my desk. Surprised, I looked around for the sender. I saw Gerard, sitting next to me, a small smile on his lips, one that didn’t quite meet his impassive eyes.

“Open it,” He mouthed.

I unscrewed the note and read its contents.

“Hey. (:
Look, I know at lunch you said that you don’t remember what your nightmares are about, but I have a feeling you were lying.
Want to talk about it?
Gee Xo.”

I should’ve known that Gerard would figure out I had been lying. That boy could read me like a book. He had been so quiet during our lunch time conversation, evidently waiting to talk to me about it all. I should’ve anticipated and expected this.

The teacher standing at the top of the room was oblivious as I scrawled a message back to Gerard and threw it at him.

“Hey.
Uhm. . . Maybe I was lying. Just a little :/
I just don’t want to tell the guys what my nightmares are about. They shouldn’t need to learn what happened to me. . .
Ciara.
Xx”

He read the message with sad eyes before mouthing a reply to me, “So they’re about what I think they are, yeah?”

I nodded my head and gnawed on my lip nervously. Gerard looked near to tears and he moved his des closer to mine.

“You okay?” His voice was barely above a whisper in the quiet room. His hazel eyes were watery and looked incredibly worried.

I forced another smile, something I had done so many times today. “I’m fine Gee. It’s just… every time I try to sleep I get hit with images and flashback of… that night two weeks ago. And, for a while, I was afraid I was pregnant.” Biting back tears I looked him directly in the eyes, “I’m scared.”

“You’re not pregnant are you?”

I shook my head and a look of relief came over his face. He had seemed just as scared I was about it.

He opened his mouth to say more but was interrupted by Ms. Lewis. The grumpy, middle-aged woman snapped at him, “Mr. Way, return your desk to its original place at once! I’m sure Ms. Johnson can cope without you.”

Gerard blushed, red painting his usually stark white cheeks, as he moved his desk back to its assigned space. He muttered an apology to Ms. Lewis and, satisfied, she returned to teaching once more.

A few minutes later, as I took down unneeded notes from off the white board, something hit my head and fell onto the desk. I looked down to see another scrunched up ball of paper. Smiling and shaking my head I opened it.

“Hi (again),
What I was going to say, before I was so rudely interrupted was. . .
I know you’re going through a rough time and that you don’t want most people knowing about it but … if you ever - and I mean ever - want to talk about it, I’m here. My phone is always on and you can ring whenever… okay?
Gee.
Xox.”

A genuine smile formed on my face, the first one in days, and I looked over at the sweet boy sat beside me.

“Thank you.”

“No problem. . . What are friends for?”