Let Me Be The One To Save You

“Do you think Geetard would like this for his eighteenth?” Frankie held up a bright pink, feather boa, a smirk on his lips.

I giggled, “I think he’d love it.”

He threw the item into the cart that was fast filling up with ridiculous presents that Gerard would never really want or enjoy. I grabbed a Rugrats bubble wand and threw it in with the junk, if Gerard didn’t like it I’d at least get enjoyment from it.

Frankie and I continued to wander through Wal-Mart throwing the odd, random gift into the cart. We wanted Gerard to enjoy the 18th party his mother was throwing him. We wanted it to be one he remembered.

“I really am glad you and Gerard are friends Ciara,” Frank suddenly commented as he picked up a tonne of plastic tiaras and threw them in with everything else.

I looked at the cheap silver crowns for a moment, slightly confused. Why would Frank need so many? Shaking my head, I returned my gaze to the short boy beside me, “What do you mean?”

Frank just shrugged and flicked his silver lip ring with his tongue, an annoying habit of his, “I dunno. Gerard has just become so sociable since you became friends. It’s nice to see. Thank you.”

“Uhm, it’s no problem dude,” I tried to shrug off his gratitude. “I love all you guys and I’m just glad I can help.”

He smiled, “Well thanks anyway.”



Frank and I sat in my coffee shop, my old hideout. We sat together by the window, sipping our drinks and watching people as they passed by whilst we went through the dozens of present we had bought for Gerard.

I took a sip from my sweet coffee, “This is where Gee and I first met.”

Frank looked up from the CD case he was reading. He raised his eyebrows, “Really? I didn’t know he hung out here.”

I shrugged, “I don’t know about that, but he did for the first few weeks of school. Said he was avoiding it, much like myself.”

Those first few weeks in Jersey had been the hardest and, in a bizarre way, Gerard had been my saviour. My only friend in a new, scary country. One where I didn’t fit in.

“Why did you avoid school C?”

I forced a small smile, one that barely lifted the corners of my mouth, “I lost someone dear to me just before I moved here.”

“Oh.”

An awkward silence descended upon us. Frank was obviously afraid to ask me anything in case he upset me. Really, all I wanted him to do was talk to me, even if it was about Fergal. I’d rather he asked me than just sat there wondering.

“What-” Frank cleared his throat, though even after his voice continued to sound strained. “What was their name?”

“Fergal Kilborn,” I whispered. “He was my best friend and he committed suicide.”

Frank’s hand found its way into my grasp and I held it tightly as I continued to tell him about my best friend. I told him about Fergal’s crazy hair and the time he had tried to go from black to blonde. The memory of him standing in his bathroom with orange hair would stay with me forever.

As I was talking to Frank about Fergal I realised it becoming easier to talk about my past life and past friend. Saying his name still made my heart ache, like an old scar that occasionally throbbed, but I no longer broke down crying. I was becoming stronger. Fergal would’ve been so proud.

“So to answer your original question Frankie, I didn’t go to school because I simply wasn’t ready. Facing the world without my best friend by my side just seemed so scary.”

Frank reached for me with his other hand and both gripped mine tightly as he looked me straight in the eye. I’d never noticed how much green were in his eyes before and they reminded me so much of Fergal.

“You know I’m here for you babes, right?”

I nodded, “I know.”

“And I’ve been through the same thing. I know what it’s like to lose a friend.”

“I know.”

“And I’ll always be here for you. I promise.”

I went to repeat the same phrase yet again but stopped when his words hit home. The last person to make that exact same promise to me had been Fergal and he had broken it. But, instead of saying anything to Frank, I just forced another convincing smile and thanked him. The conversation quickly moved on to more pleasant topics and I let myself enjoy the rest of my day out with Frankie.



That night I found myself doing something I didn’t do often enough anymore. I had a conversation with Fergal.

After much searching I had found a photo of my green eyed friend with his horrendous orange hair. As per usual, he had a mischievous grin plastered across his face and his eyes glinted dangerously in the lights.

“Oh Ferg, remember this hairdo?” I giggled a little. “Not your best idea aye?”

The next day he had run to the local supermarket and bought brown dye in an attempt to try and bring some normality to his hair. But I would never let him live it down; it had just been so funny.

“We had such good times together man. Fuck, I miss you.”

My eyes burned but not a single tear fell as I said my goodnight to Fergal.

“I promise to talk again soon. Watch over me… please. Don’t let me do anything too stupid.”

I kissed his photo, as I always did, and crawled into my warm bed. Ferg was on my mind, more than he had been in quite a while, but I was also thinking of my New Jersey friends. They had helped me get over my loss and they had become my best friends even though I had come to Jersey with the intention of hating the place and making friends with no one. In a way, they had almost replaced the empty chasm left by Fergal.

“I still love you Ferg,” I whispered to the dark room. “And you will always be my best friend but … Gee and the guys mean just as much to me now. They’re really important to me.”

I let my eyes close and the first nightmare free sleep I’d had in what felt like forever engulfed me.