Let Me Be The One To Save You

"Ciara!" My aunt Toni all but squealed when she spotted me approaching her in the arrivals terminal at Newark airport.

"Hey Toni," I smiled and let her embrace me in her bear-tight grip.

She let go and I inhaled gratefully before stepping back and getting a good look at my Aunt.
Toni was only twenty-six years old but already had everything she wanted in life. She was the prettiest person I had ever known- blonde hair, blue eyes, the whole shebang- and at the age of eighteen she became a fashion magazine model. By twenty-one she had given it up and met her now husband, Austin Carter, a wealthy lawyer, four years her senior, from New Jersey who had movie star good looks. He proposed and she packed up and left Ireland to follow her heart. I envied her for her ability to do so with no guilt.

"You look amazing Toni," I smiled as jealousy twinged in my heart. She was so god damned beautiful.

"So do you hon," She replied sweetly. "I love the new hair colour."

My hand automatically went up to touch the ends of my recently dyed purple hair. Fergal had always loved that colour when I'd had it before. Tears pricked at my pale grey eyes.

"Thanks," I mumbled whilst looking away from her concerned look.

I scanned the crowd for a moment or two until I realized something and turned back to my Aunt, "Where's Uncle Austin?"

She rolled her eyes and shook her head, "Some stupid case came up and he had to go to court."

"So how did you get here?"

My Aunt had never bothered to learn to drive. She prefered to walk or get chauffeured.

She smiled, "Oh, my neighbor's son volunteered to bring me. He's waiting outside for us."

I nodded and picked up two of my three suitcases. As I attempted to pick up the third Toni laughed and took it for me.

We made our way through the crowded airport terminal, dodging families and ignorant business men. Eventually we made it outside to the cool, early autumn, weather.

My aunt waved across the road at a boy with the biggest afro I had ever seen. He was rocking out to headphones as we approached him, his hair flying everywhere.

"Hey, I'm Ray," He had pulled off the headphones when he'd spotted our approach and I could hear Iron Maiden playing faintly. "Ray Toro."

"Ciara Johnson," I extended my hand and he shook it enthusiastically.

He was kind enough to take all of my bags and put them in the trunk for me. Toni then insisted I sit up the front for the journey to her house, "to make a new friend" . I rolled my eyes but did as I was told.

Ray was a sweet guy and seemed legitimately nice. Throughout the hour long car journey we discussed movies, music and my hometown.

"Was it a big town?" He asked, listening avidly. He'd told me already that he had always wanted to visit Ireland and he wanted to know everything about it.

I shrugged and kept my gaze focused on the small raindrops that were falling onto the windscreen, "Not really. I mean it was small enough that you recognized most people, but big enough not to know their names."

"Did you have many friends?"

"I had a few," I turned my head to look out my own window so this guy I barely knew couldn't see the tears forming in my eyes as I thought of Fergal.
There was no escaping the memory of him, no matter how hard I tried.

Ray seemed to sense that I no longer wanted to continue the conversation and the rest of the journey passed in silence.
Buildings passed by in a blur as we entered Belleville, my hometown for the foreseeable future.
The atmosphere in the car was awkward and tense. I felt guilty for causing it.

I sighed in relief when I spotted the house I had only ever seen in photos in the distance. Suddenly I needed to get out of the car. It was too enclosed and I was getting panicky.
Ray pulled smoothly into the drive and I wrenched my door open before he had even removed the key from the ignition. I stood on the concrete and gasped huge lung fulls of air, my heart slowly starting to return to its normal pace. Ever since Fergal's death I had been having panic attacks. I'd been to the doctor and I was told to just let them run their course. It was just a way for my body to deal with the grief my mind was suffering from.

I snapped back to reality and saw Ray taking my bags out of the car while Toni opened up the house and turned off the expensive alarm system. I skipped over to the afro-headed boy and smiled tentatively up at him, "Thanks Ray."

He shot me a quick grin, "No problem Ciara. I hope you like Jersey."

I shrugged and scanned my grey surroundings with disdain, "Mhmm. . . ."

He laughed and I observed how his hair seemed to spark with electricity as he did so, "I know it's nothing like Ireland, but it'll grow on you,"

I shrugged again, my purple hair falling across my face as I whispered, "I guess it'll have to."

I knew I was probably offending Ray, who'd always lived in Jersey, but I couldn't help it- I didn't want to be here. I missed Ireland. I missed Fergal.

"Well. . . Uhm. . . I know it's going to be hard for you to settle in so you can hang out with me and my friends at school," He brown eyes filled with doubt as he tried to gauge my reaction and he hastily added. "Only if you want to though. . . And just until you find your own group or whatever."

I smiled as he nervously picked at the hem of his faded black Iron Maiden t-shirt, obviously awaiting my answer.

"Uh, yeah, that'd be cool," I forced my lie to sound real and heartfelt.

Ray's eyes lit up and a smile lifted the corners of his mouth, making my little lie worthwhile.

"Awesome, see you at school."

"Bye," I waved as he got back into his car and drove to his house just across the road. I laughed when he got out and waved back at me.

I turned around and grabbed my Vans backpack from off the pile of luggage piled near the doorstep. I threw it over one shoulder and nearly collapsed from the weight. I'd forgotten how much I'd packed into the little bag.
Next I grabbed two suitcases, one in each hand, and struggled my way into the house. I dropped the bags loudly onto the tiled floor in the hallway. Toni suddenly came running into the hall, a frantic look in her eyes.

"Oh, it was just you bags," She laughed at her own over-reaction. "Let me go get your last one."

Usually I'd have protested but I was tired and not in the mood to argue over something so trivial. So I let her get my bag.

Moments later, as I sat on a comfy chair in the living room, Toni popped her head into the doorway, a smile on her flawless face.

"Want to see your room?"

I nodded and tiredly got to my feet. I followed my blonde aunt out of the room and up the stairs, grabbing my suitcases and backpack on the way.
She brought me to a purple painted room that held a beautiful four-poster bed.

"It's amazing," I gasped as I looked around in awe at the band posters that littered the walls and the beautiful, full length, Victorian mirror in the far corner.

"I'm glad you like it," Toni laughed and looked relieved by my positive reaction. "Your mom told me what you liked and I went with it from there."

I grabbed her into a bone crushing hug, "Thank you," I mumbled against her shoulder. "For everything."

She dis tangled herself from my arms and smiled, "It's fine babe. Now, go unpack."

She left and I suddenly felt lonely in the room that was at least twice the size of my own back home in Ireland.
To help myself feel better I plugged in my I-pod dock that I dug out of my backpack and placed my I-pod in it before pressing play. I then began to unpack my things while humming along to whatever came on.

I was halfway through my second suitcase when the familiar piano into to How To Save A Life began to play. Tears filled my eyes as I remembered how I had discovered the song. Fergal had always loved The Fray and it had been his favorite song. He made me listen to it and I had automatically loved it.
I went over to the large bed in the centre of the room and curled up on the black Hello Kitty blanket. I let the tears flow down my cheek. I missed Fergal.

"Hey man," I whispered so quietly it was barely audible over the music. "How goes it up there in Heaven? I hope it's what you expected. I miss you so much it's unreal. I wish you were here. Nothing's the same without you Ferg. Everything I do just reminds me that you're not here to experience it with me. Why'd you go?"

I heaved a deep breath and tried to stop the flow of streaming tears as I curled up into a tighter ball in the bed, my hair falling into my face.

"I love you dude. Please make sure I don't fuck everything up while I'm here. . . Miss you."

I closed my eyes and drifted off into a deep, nightmare filled, sleep.