Let Me Be The One To Save You

It was not surprising that when I arrived in Ireland it was raining. The Irish rain was one of the many things I had not missed about my home country. Toni and I had to run up the driveway in front of my old house, squealing as the ice cold drops of water touched of our skin.
My mother answered the door to us, glaring a little at her younger sister. She still held resentment for the sister who had escaped this dreary town.

“Come in, you’re getting soaked,” That familiar Irish accent sounded so foreign after months of being away.

My mother led us to the kitchen were Aidan and his parents were sat. My brown haired ex-boyfriend sat solemnly at the table, his hands wrapped so tight around the mug in front of him that his knuckles had turned white. His chocolate brown eyes, usually so full of life, were red-rimmed and dead looking. He was taking this worse than I was. I sat beside him and gently removed one hand from off the mug and entwined his fingers with mine. His eyes looked up to take me in and he gave me a small smile that I returned.

“I’ve missed you Beanie,” He used that years old nickname that only he refused to give up.

“Missed you too Aid.”

We sat at the table barely listening as his parents discussed funeral arrangements with my Mom. Instead I was aware of Aidan’s shaky breaths and the odd tear that would slowly make its way down his cheek.

“Want to go for a walk?”

He nodded and smiled at me gratefully. He needed a distraction, that much was obvious. We stood and left the house, our hands still laced together, heading towards our old haunt - the local field. He sat on the grass Indian style and pulled me down beside him and we sat for a few moments in just silence.

“Fuck Ciara, what do I do?” His hands were tearing at his dark hair and I gently pulled them out before replying.

“I don’t know Aid, I really don’t. It still hasn’t hit me properly yet.”

He nodded and his shaggy hair flew all over the place, “Yeah I know what you mean. I miss her already though.”

“She was obviously sad though. Maybe, like Ferg, it was her only escape.”

He made a face and shook his head adamantly, “No. I can’t believe. She was finally happy. We were dating Ciara, and she made me so fucking happy.”

I pulled him into a side hug and let him sob his little heart out. His pain was understandable; I had gone through it too. Next he would be angry and question why she did it, and I would be there to help him through that too.



We lay in the grass, side-by-side, as we stared up at the starry sky. The rain clouds had cleared and the sky had become a deep purple when the sun had set.

“You don’t get skies like this in Jersey,” I sighed. “There are too many lights, you can’t appreciate the stars.”

“Do you like it there?”

I longed to say yes. Wanted to tell him all about Gerard and the other great people I had met whilst abroad. Had the urge to confess that I had all but forgotten my Irish friends whilst away. But I knew that wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

“It’s okay, I guess. It’s nothing like Ireland,” I chance a look at him and when I saw that he was smiling I knew I’d done the right thing.

We were silent for a few for minutes until Aidan spoke up again, “Did they tell you how she did it?”

Straightaway I knew what he was talking about and I shook my head. He asked me if I wanted to know and, despite being scared, I nodded. He told me how they were supposed to go out for dinner to celebrate their 1st month together. At seven o’ clock he turned up at her house as planned and let himself in (she told him the door would be open). He searched the house and couldn’t find her and he thought she was playing a cruel joke and decided she must be hiding in the bathroom. The next bit was the worst to listen to as he described how he found her.

“She was lying there in an overflowing bath, he blood staining the water red. At first I was sure it was an accident, she’d slipped and hurt something… but then I saw her arms. They were slashed from elbow to wrist, torn apart as if by an animal.”

The scene I imagined was too harrowing to dwell on and I focused my attention on comforting Aidan as he continued his story.

“There was an overturned bottle of painkillers on the floor, about half of them were gone though and I instinctively knew what she had done. I pulled her out of the bath and tried to find a pulse - there was none. I’d lost her Beanie. She was gone.”

He broke down crying and I held him tight against my chest telling him that it would all be okay though I knew from experience that that was a lie. Everything would not be okay, at least not for a very long time.
He told me about the letters she wrote to us, ‘just like Ferg’ but that we wouldn’t get them until the Gardaí were finished with them. Soon after he walked me home and we hugged goodbye. He smelled of grass and tea, he smelled of home.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Aid. Stay strong.”

He held me close for another moment or two before letting me go and saying his goodbyes. He was broken, I could tell, and he needed someone to help put his heart and soul back together, much like Gerard had done for me.



I lay in an unfamiliar bed in a room that smelled of dust. My old room was cold was uninviting now that I had been gone so long. Everything felt wrong and I just wanted to go home , to Jersey.
My left hip throbbed, its new addition still sensitive. The letters R.K. ♥ carved on the opposite hip to the ones already carved in memory of Fergal.

“Hey Ferg, hey Rachel. How goes it up there? I just… I can’t believe what has happened. I love you guys and I can’t believe you’re both gone. Why? Why did you leave me and Aidan here?”

My eyelids felt heavy and I fought to keep them open, I didn’t want to sleep because I knew I’d be plagued with nightmares of my friends’ suicides.

“I wish I could bring you both back, even if just for one day. I just want to say goodbye. The world isn’t as bright without you two around but I guess you’ll make two great additions to God’s rock band, for that’s the only reason I can think for taking you.”

I lost the battle with my eyes and my lids slid shut as I slipped off into a nightmare filled sleep.