Let Me Be The One To Save You

Aidan gripped my hand so tight that I was sure he was cutting off all circulation to my fingers. Our walk up the driveway outside Rachel’s house didn’t seem real. It couldn’t be real. Where was the bright, bubbly girl who always ran out to greet us before we reached her door? Where was that childish giggle that always made her sound shy? The overcast sky that seemed to threaten rain only reflected our dismal moods as we knocked on the front door.

She lay in a white coffin against the far wall of the living room. Flowers and candles lay all around her; she looked like a member of the fairie folk being laid to rest. Her skin ghostly pale, her eyes closed. She looked so peaceful, as if in an eternal slumber. It was hard to believe that she was gone, never to breathe another breath of air. Her make up had been done in such a way that, although she looked pale, she still looked alive. Like that at any moment she would open her eyes and laugh at us all for being so stupid. But she didn’t. Her eyes remained shut and her lips remained together. She couldn’t open her eyes, couldn’t speak. She was gone, gone to whatever lies beyond death.

All I could whilst staring at her was that she was beautiful, so, so beautiful. But, I noticed that her arms were covered. The scars that had taken her from this world were hidden beneath a layer of clothing, as if it had never happened. It was much the way Fergal’s parents had insisted that his neck be covered in make-up to hide the bruises that marked his passing from this world to the next. I fought the urge to tear the sleeve of her blouse upwards, to see the scars. I just wanted to see what she had done, because maybe then I could understand why she had done it.

I wondered what it felt like to take your own life. Did it hurt? As you lay there could you feel the life seep out of your veins? Did you regret it? Was it really ever worth it? I thought about what happens to those who survive, I wondered if they ever felt like trying again, or did the pain of their first attempt stop them from ever thinking about it again.

Like I had done to Fergal at his wake, I reached out and touched Rachel’s cheek. Icy cold. I stroked my fingers along the bone that protruded beneath the skin, she was so beautiful. Despite the cold she still felt alive, still felt real.

“Goodbye,” I whispered to my departed friend. “Goodbye beautiful. Wherever you are I hope you’re smiling, because we all know how beautiful you are when you smile.”

Aidan broke down and his head fell softly against my shoulder as he began sobbing once more. I could no longer lie and tell him that everything would be okay so, instead, I stood there with my arms around his waist making soothing noises as I tried to stay strong. Tried to fight the threatening tears. Tried to stay strong in a house that was filled with so many memories of our friendship.



My phone lay on my unmade bed where I had thrown it that morning before rushing out to try and console Aidan. I picked it up and saw that I had a new message from Gerard.
Smiling like an idiot I opened it.

Hey Sugar. (:
Hope u r holdin up ok.
Frankie sends his love and told me 2 tell u that hes buyin u a pillow pet? I dno what that is :/
Keep your head up (: <3
Xxx

In that moment, despite the horrible day I’d had, Gerard managed to make it all okay. As always, he knew how to distract me from the reality surrounding me. He was the light in my darkness. My knight in shining armour. The only person who could catch me when I fell into the swirling black hole of depression.