Let Me Be The One To Save You

Summer was fast approaching along with my Leaving Cert exams, ones that would decide whether I would go to college or not and I was freaking out. Adjusting to life back in Ireland was a lot more difficult than I had expected. You’d think after living there for sixteen years it would be easy to slip back into old routines, but it wasn’t. Not a day went by that I didn’t wish I was back in Ireland with Gerard, Frankie and the guys.

I knew Aidan needed, hell he was the only reason I agreed to stay here in this hellhole town that I loathed. He was so broken, his heart torn in two. He talked often of taking his own life and I would have to remind him of the pain he would cause others.

‘What about the pain those who have left have caused me?’ He’d always mutter and I’d be laughed speechless. There was nothing you could say to that to make it all okay. There is nothing you can say to take away the feeling of rejection when someone you love takes their own life. You feel like you weren’t good enough for them, that they still needed to escape this life even though they had you by their side.

In a way I kind of resented Aidan. It was stupid and petty, but I couldn’t forget that when I was dealing with Fergal’s death he had all but abandoned me. He’d told me that he’d be there and yet when I was at my lowest, he wouldn’t even answer my fucking calls. That was part of the reason I had finally given in to my mom’s request to move to Jersey, there wasn’t much left for me in Ireland anyway. I was glad we had broken up, Aidan was better as my friend than as a boyfriend, and because of this I was willing to help him in his time of need, despite him not doing it for me.

The Irish exam paper glared up at me from its place on my desk. I was procrastinating but I couldn’t help it, I loved speaking Irish, but loathed it in school. Trust me; if you had to study Irish poetry you’d begin to hate the language too.
The clock on my night stand declared it to be just after half nine at night. I was thinking of calling it a night and turning in early, but then I remembered that neither Gerard nor Frankie had called yet. One of them rang every night just to check in on me. It was nice to know they still cared about me despite me living so far away.

As if on cue the phone began to ring and I picked it up with one hand as I used my other to place my Irish exam papers in my bag, too lazy to even attempt to do one.
“Hello?”

“Ciara, darling!”
My smile dropped a bit when I realised it was only Frankie but I was still happy, “Frankie!”

We talked for just over an hour, what we talked about didn’t really matter all that counted was hearing each other’s voices. I hated not seeing him or the other guys. I missed Frankie and his childlike behaviour, like his obsession with throwing Skittles into Ray’s hair. I missed Mikey and how awkward he was, the way his glasses were always perched on the end of his nose on the brink of falling off. I missed Ray and how he was the most mature out of us all, how he’d make sure no one gave Frankie too much sugar and that everyone arrived to practice on time. I missed Bob and how quiet he was, how you’d barely notice he was there until he made some random funny comment that left us all in knots. But most of all I missed Gerard and the way he could make me smile, even on my shittest day.

“Did Gerard tell you the good news?”

I bit my lip and my eyebrows furrowed as I tried to remember if Gerard had told me anything important when he had rang the night before, “Uhm… no?”

Frank let out an excited giggle and I wondered if he’d managed to sneak extra Skittles past Ray again, “We might be getting signed C!”

My jaw dropped, that was not what I was expecting at all. It wasn’t that I was surprised that the boys were getting signed to a label; I fully believed they were talented enough for that. I just couldn’t believe that no one had told me. That was huge news!

“Oh my God! That’s amazing Frankie!” I all but squealed like a little fan-girl. I was so excited for them.

“Well nothing is confirmed yet, but we have a feeling,” I could hear the self-doubt in his voice. He didn’t believe they could do. He, like Gerard, had very little self-believe.

“Frank Anthony Iero! Don’t ever doubt your abilities. My Chemical Romance is one of the greatest bands I have ever had the privilege to listen to, and I say that as a music fan not a friend. You guys will get signed, if not now then later on in life. It’ll all work out,” I smiled. “You guys deserve it.”

The smile in his voice was evident when he replied, “Thanks C. you’re the only person who makes sure I don’t fuck everything up for the other guys.” He sighed heavily but before I could ask why he told me, “I miss you. The guys all miss you. Jersey isn’t the same without Ciara Johnson. We need you to come home soon.”

I bit down on my lip and sat on my bed, “I dunno how soon that will be Frankie, but I’ll try. I promise.”

We said our goodbyes and I got ready for bed. As I began drifting off into dreamland I wondered how long it would be until I did see my best friends. If my promise to Frankie had been an empty one.