Let Me Be The One To Save You

“Want to go get some lunch?” I tugged on my boyfriend’s hand and he jerked out of his thoughts before looking down at me and giving me a small smile.

“Sure, where to?”

“Uhm…Burger King all good?”

He nodded but I could tell that he was already lost in his thoughts once more. The past week and a half he’d been doing that a lot, just zoning me out, to the point that I’d nearly have to shout to get his attention. He was troubled over something and I wanted to help, but didn’t know how to broach the subject without him getting annoyed or upset.
It was weird, I wasn’t used to Gerard being this distant around me and I found that I couldn’t enjoy my meal in the fast-food restaurant. I just sat there playing with my fries and occasionally taking a sip from my Sprite. Gerard didn’t eat much either, just stared off into space, a worried look on his features.

Soon I couldn’t take the awkwardness anymore and had to speak up, “Gee, hon, what’s bothering you?”

His head jerked up and his hair fell messily about his face. His lips pulled up into a smile but I could see that it didn’t reach his eyes at all, “I’m fine Sugar. Why would anything be bothering me?”

I knew he was lying. The way his eyes shifted away from mine. His hands tearing nervously at the paper napkin in front of him. The way his voice wavered slightly. He was lying and it was clear as day. Now all I wanted to know was why.

“C’mon Gee, don’t lie to me,” I took the napkin from his grasp and grasped his hands in mine as he finally looked me into the eye. “What’s wrong?”

He bit his lip and looked away again before muttering, “I just don’t want to upset you.”

My heart pounded so loudly I sweat everyone in the restaurant could hear it. Blood pounded in my ears and my stomach flipped in fear as I anticipated the worst from him.

“What is it Gerard? Just tell me.”

He sighed and pulled one hand out of my grip to run it through his already messy hair, “Well, the band got picked up by a small record company,” He bit his lip and looked up to gauge my reaction and I kept my face passive while inside I was going crazy. “And, uhm, we have to leave to record next week.”

I nodded and exhaled loudly not knowing what to say. He wasn’t breaking up with me but he was leaving. And for how long?
“How long?” I whispered.

He rubbed at the back of his neck, another nervous habit of his, “Well, uhm, that’s the thing… we’re going on tour straight after. Our new manager thinks we’ll be gone about three months, maybe as long as six.”

“Oh,” I knew I should’ve been glad that he wasn’t going to be gone for like two years or anything but my heart just kept thumping in my chest. My lungs felt like they were going to cave in on me as I started to feel panicky. I hadn’t had a panic attack in months and I definitely did not want to have one in front of all the people in this restaurant. “Gee… wh…what?”

His hazel eyes went wide and he gripped my hands tightly in his, “C’mon C, breathe. It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.”

A quiet whimper escaped my lips as I tried to regulate my breathing and stop the walls from closing in on me, “B…but you’re leaving…w…why?”

“I have to Sugar. We knew this day was coming,” He tried to soothe me rubbing his thumbs across the back of my hands. “I thought you’d be proud of me.”

My breathing calmed a little and I smiled weakly at him, “’Course I’m proud of you.”

But I wish you weren’t doing this to me…

He eyed me apprehensively, “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

I looked down at the table top and found that I couldn’t lie so I shook my head, “Honestly? Not really. I’m gonna miss you Gee.”

“I’ll call you everyday, I swear,” He tried to reassure me but all I heard was him breaking his promise that he’d always be there. He’d only made the promise the other week and already he was breaking it. He was going to go on tour and forget all about the girl he left in Jersey, the one he’d healed when everyone thought she was broken beyond repair.

My head nodded at its own accord and a smile forced its way back onto my face, “Sure Gee.”

I wanted him to be happy and even if it hurt me, I’d support him through anything he decided to do. To act any other way would be selfish and childish, I couldn’t do that. Not to Gerard.

“You sure you’re okay with all of this?” He eyed me suspiciously as if he couldn’t believe how well I was taking all of this.

Of course I’m not fucking okay! You’re breaking your promise Gee, don’t you remember it?

“Yup, fine.”

He shot me an awarding winning smile with his small teeth and leaned over the table to kiss me lovingly, his hand caressing the back of my neck, “I knew you’d understand. I love you.”

“Love you too,” I mumbled.

But the thing was, I didn’t really understand. I couldn’t understand why this couldn’t wait, why they had to record right now. Couldn’t they wait until I’d gone off to college and wouldn’t miss the raven-haired boy currently sitting opposite me? I wanted Gerard to be all mine, at least until I had to leave for college. Although I knew it was horrible and selfish, I hated his band and the fact that they were doing well. I didn’t want him to leave me. As mean as it was, I wanted Gee to look after me and I wanted him to be the one waiting by the phone every night just to hear my voice.
He was leaving me, despite everything he’d promised, he was leaving. For a rock tour of all things, and that scared me. What would happen if he found someone else on the road? Would he forget me? Would I be able to stop it happening? And, if he did come back without another girl, would he still love me? Or would he have gotten bored with the broken Irish girl who was too much effort to look after?

“You okay Sugar?”

I looked up and relaxed my furrowed forehead, another false smile forced its way onto my face, “Yeah Gee, just perfect.”

Please don’t go…