Diary

The reading of my father’s will went on today. Since I am the only child, and the only living relative, I inherited about 15 grand. Mom made sure that, in the event of his death, that everything would would be taken care of. I’m so grateful for that.

I had to pick out a casket too, which is unsettling when you have a 5-year-old child and a fat belly. I picked a nice grey one. My dad loved grey.

He’s being buried in his best suit. The one he walked me down the isle in. The one he found at the thrift store for $25. The one your mom hates.

Speaking of which, she has been calling off the hook lately, and it’s getting on my nerves. I get a few weeks off work, and my hand is feeling better. Not to mention, I’m trying to fucking mourn properly. When my mom died, I fully expected that. My mom had been suicidal since the day she was born, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that much. But, my father’s death was unexpected.

It was unexpected to me because I love him. Love blinds you from thinking that, that one person you love so goddamn much, will one day perish. Love sucks you into caring so deeply for another being, that it hurts when they’re away. Yes, I had said that my father would die, but not so damn soon.

So I didn’t answer the phone.

It’s ringing right now as a matter of fact. Roxy wants me to pick it up. I told her she should…she is.

~

So you’re mother says she’s sorry about my father’s sudden passing. She says everyone’s alright where they are, and she hopes to visit soon.
Bullshit.

Your mother wouldn’t visit me if I told her I was keeping this child.

I thought about that too, keeping this baby. Ever since my dad passed away, I sort of see this kid as a blessing in disguise. What kind of person would I be just to pawn my child off to the state? I’ve been coming to terms with my own conscience, and I can’t believe how soft-hearted I’m becoming.

I’m suppose to be a terrible person.

What the hell am I to do? Would you know the answer? I think my dad would.