Diary
Page Twenty Five
Mikey called today; he asked why I hung up on your mom last week, and why I haven’t been answering. I like Mikey, so I was the least sarcastic when I answered him.
“Yeah…I don’t like your mom that much, Mikey.”
“Why not?”
“She annoys me.”
“Are you still bitter about everything?”
“Yes, it’s in the same ballpark as pissed off and confused. Good for you!”
“Stop acting like this Valleri.” Mikey Way grew some serious balls since the last time I heard him.
“Acting like what?”
“Like you hate everyone, you don’t hate my mom.”
“Ah, ah, ah, I never said hate. I said I disliked her. There’s a big difference.”
“Whatever the difference is, you should be nicer.”
“She isn’t nice to me, why should I be nice to her?”
“Because you’ll be the bigger person.”
“Fuck being the bigger person.”
I wanted to hang up on him, but I like little Wheezer. He’s my favorite Way, besides Roxy; don’t worry your mom is in the running, right before you!
“She wants to get along with you, you know, before the baby is born, but she can’t do that if you’re so nonchalant and dismissive with her.”
I had rolled my eyes, Roxy saw and laughed; “I don’t want to get along with her. I don’t like her, Mikey, and I sure as hell don’t want her around my baby.”
“Why not?”
“Because she acts like Gerard is so goddamn innocent. She knows what he did, and she’ll never see it, she’ll never see what a monster her kid is!”
“We know he isn’t innocent, Val, but come on, shutting her out just—“
“I’m shutting her out because she only cares about her poor little son. Poor little Gee never had his shitty little art put up on billboards and magazines! Poor Gee never got to start his own comic like he wanted. Well, boo-fucking-hoo, this is the goddamn reality! He should grow the fuck up!”
After I had said that, it was like the entire world stopped, and I found the urge to write again. Roxy just looked at me, wondering, I bet, what I was angry about now.
“I’ll relay the message.” Is all Mikey uttered before he hung up.
I don’t feel bad, and I won’t apologize for how I feel. Fuck the world, and everyone in it, except my poor children.
Fuck how you feel, fuck how your mother feels, and fuck me for trying to spare anyone’s feelings.
All the things I’ve said to my daughter, about being a big girl and accepting the fact that her daddy wasn’t coming back, was true – but I shouldn’t have said it. I should give her a slim of hope. What was wrong with me? Where were my morals? Where was my love? Where was my heart?
“Yeah…I don’t like your mom that much, Mikey.”
“Why not?”
“She annoys me.”
“Are you still bitter about everything?”
“Yes, it’s in the same ballpark as pissed off and confused. Good for you!”
“Stop acting like this Valleri.” Mikey Way grew some serious balls since the last time I heard him.
“Acting like what?”
“Like you hate everyone, you don’t hate my mom.”
“Ah, ah, ah, I never said hate. I said I disliked her. There’s a big difference.”
“Whatever the difference is, you should be nicer.”
“She isn’t nice to me, why should I be nice to her?”
“Because you’ll be the bigger person.”
“Fuck being the bigger person.”
I wanted to hang up on him, but I like little Wheezer. He’s my favorite Way, besides Roxy; don’t worry your mom is in the running, right before you!
“She wants to get along with you, you know, before the baby is born, but she can’t do that if you’re so nonchalant and dismissive with her.”
I had rolled my eyes, Roxy saw and laughed; “I don’t want to get along with her. I don’t like her, Mikey, and I sure as hell don’t want her around my baby.”
“Why not?”
“Because she acts like Gerard is so goddamn innocent. She knows what he did, and she’ll never see it, she’ll never see what a monster her kid is!”
“We know he isn’t innocent, Val, but come on, shutting her out just—“
“I’m shutting her out because she only cares about her poor little son. Poor little Gee never had his shitty little art put up on billboards and magazines! Poor Gee never got to start his own comic like he wanted. Well, boo-fucking-hoo, this is the goddamn reality! He should grow the fuck up!”
After I had said that, it was like the entire world stopped, and I found the urge to write again. Roxy just looked at me, wondering, I bet, what I was angry about now.
“I’ll relay the message.” Is all Mikey uttered before he hung up.
I don’t feel bad, and I won’t apologize for how I feel. Fuck the world, and everyone in it, except my poor children.
Fuck how you feel, fuck how your mother feels, and fuck me for trying to spare anyone’s feelings.
All the things I’ve said to my daughter, about being a big girl and accepting the fact that her daddy wasn’t coming back, was true – but I shouldn’t have said it. I should give her a slim of hope. What was wrong with me? Where were my morals? Where was my love? Where was my heart?
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I was kinda depressed yesterday, so I chilled out and listened to all my Ramones CDs. It was really awesome, though. I feel a lot better. So much, in fact, I may double post today! It's a strong maybe, but we'll see...y'know, if I still feel good.