Diary

Hearing your voice made my skin crawl. It’s the only way I could describe the exact feeling; I felt disgusted. You sounded, from the “Hello?”, as if you were tired. My stomach knotted, LuLu kicked a bit; I don’t think she likes my feelings that much.

“Roxy!” I had called her, did you hear?

She came into the kitchen, where I was clutching the phone, “Hmm?”

“Phone for you.” Our child seemed so confused; she never gets on the phone.

She grabbed the cream colored communicator and pressed it to her tiny ear. I watched her eyes as she opened her mouth, “Hello?”

I stood by, watching her as her eyes lit up, and she smiled at me. She nearly started to jump up and down. “I missed you daddy!”

I couldn’t watch anymore, because then I would’ve started crying, and I hate crying. But, y’know, I did anyway, hearing our kid talk to you. My emotions got the better of me, eating and consoling me. Roxy would be okay now, right? She wouldn’t be sad, and she wouldn’t cry anymore. You saying something to her would set her right.

It was near 30 minutes when she called me back into the kitchen. Her wide eyes, smile, and happiness beaming from them, glanced up at me;  “Daddy wants to talk to you.”

It took me a minute to actually calculate that you wanted to speak to me. Out of everyone, you wanted to say something to me. I couldn’t bring myself to do so, so I just held the phone for a minute. My nerves shook when I heard you call my name through the receiver.

Your pleading voice, I put the receiver to the shell of my ear, not fully pressing; “…Valleri, please?” It sounded as if you were gonna cry. I hope you did. “Valleri, I know you can hear me, just say something.”

I couldn’t speak, my mouth went dry, my mind went blank. I couldn’t speak to you. It would hurt if I did, I think I would start balling. Even thinking about it makes my head hurt. So, instead of speaking, put the phone down, hanging up, and leaned against the counter for a moment. 

LuLu started to kick like crazy, but it didn’t hurt; I guess it was a sign for me to calm down. I was calming, just for her, and tried not to think about crying, or talking.

When I tucked Roxy in, later that night, she looked really happy. She wasn’t sad, she wasn’t frowning, she actually smiled at me. A smile that was genuine and not forced. 

“Daddy said he misses you,” she told me as I prepared to turn her light out.

“That’s nice.” Was all I could say.

“Do you miss him?”

“I don’t know,” I couldn’t lie. I truly don’t know if I miss you. 

“He says he’ll be home soon,” her eyes lit up, her voice was low, as if she were telling me a secret.

“That’s great, Roxy.”

Yes, it was great for Roxy that you’re “coming back”, but not for me. I don’t care to ever see you again, but that kid depends on you. She loves you more than anything on this Earth. Don’t disappoint her anymore.