Diary

Well, I had her. She’s here, and she’s beautiful. She's got light brown hair, and muddy grey eyes, which I think is really awesome. She pokes out her bottom lip like yours, and she’s a bit pale, but otherwise, she’s a beaut; as my father would say.

I named her Louisa Elizabeth Way; she was born on September 10th, at exactly 4:27 am. She has the same birthday as Mikey. 

It was quite quick, and I don’t really remember much. It was scary, but I got through it well. She screams like a banshee, I guess you should know. She wailed so loud, I had to squeeze my eyes shut, but she stopped once she was in my arms.

And, I must say, LuLu Way is the cutest thing this side of the world. She’s perfect. You got some awesome genes, Way, but of course, I have better ones.

So, yes, she is here; another Way offspring to get dirty and fuck the world up. Another to mess around and not take anyone’s shit.

It feels, weird, y’know, now that she’s here. It’s been 8 months since you left, and apart of me can’t wait for you to come back and meet her. But, as you know, another part of me doesn’t want you to come at all. My fickle heart is fighting with my common sense. 

I’m your wife, I should want you back! I honestly think it’s the stupid hormones that are fucking me over. My stomach tosses and turns when I think of having you back; I’m unsure of how to feel.

I miss you, but I don’t miss you.

Tug of war, really.

But, the real question is, what are we doing to our kids? Do they really deserve to go through this? No, they don’t, but we put them through it. I could’ve been a better mom and consoled Roxy about your leaving, but instead I was a stubborn bitch about it.

I went over this before, and I can’t go back in time and stop myself, like I wish I could. I guess this is why I feel like such a terrible person at times. I’m terrible because I put my feelings before hers. I just hope, when she gets older, that she forgives me for it. I don’t care how much I have to apologize, I just want her to forgive me and understand why I was the way I was.

The only cure, probably, is to fix the distance between us. I hope for a call…not for me, but for Roxy.

Roxy loves you, Gerard, more than she can understand, and more that I ever had. She loves LuLu, and they just met. It’s a weird combination of sorts. Everything is so weird.