Diary

Your mom called today…well Mikey called, then she got on the phone. Bastard tricked me.

“You had your baby?” Her voice was sharp and quick.

“Yes…her name is LuLu. She’s beautiful.”

“Awe! Send pictures, Valleri.”

I had sighed. I was trying to be the bigger person, be reasonable, “I’ll try.”

“How’s Roxy?”

“She’s fine, she’s at school right now.”

“Are you writing?”

“Yes…just a little. I wrote an entire book. 30 chapters…maybe it isn’t an entire book.”

“That’s wonderful! I can’t wait to tell Gerard! He’s going to be so happy, and he’s—“

“Please, Donna, don’t bring up Gerard. It’s really hard for me right now, and I don’t want to think about him.”

Of course, that was a lie, because you’re all I think about. You’re constantly on my friggin mind; 24/7!

“He’ll be so please, Valleri.” She sounded sad.

“I…” I couldn’t think of what to say. I didn’t want to explode at her, I just wanted to stop talking about you. It’s bad enough I think about you.

“He still loves you Valleri, a lot, and he doesn’t know how to tell you. You won’t answer his calls.”

“He hasn’t called.”

“He had…but I’m guessing you were in the hospital?”

“Yeah.”

“Well…I guess it isn’t your fault.”

Your mom and I have gotten over the phase of hating each other, I think – or the strong disliking. I don’t know if we’ll ever get to the “love” stage. I’m not a person to love or give much love back. I’m a weirdo. Love doesn’t come naturally to me, but I suppose nothing does, right?

After we had hung up, I picked Roxy up, made her some lunch, and she and LuLu “read” together. LuLu really just laid in her swing, while Roxy sat across from it, reading Where The Wild Things Are. I sat and watched, basically because Roxy makes me. She’s such a little brat…just like you.

It was around 6 when the phone had rung. I didn’t expect it, and I didn’t expect it to be you on the other end. 

You and I both know what we talked about, but for Roxy and LuLu; who may find this one day, let me write exactly what we said.

“Hey.” You still sounded the same.

The same voice caused my own to get caught in my throat; “H-hello.”

“How are you, Valleri? How’s Roxy…and the baby?”

I had to take deep breathes, keeping from hanging up the phone; “Roxy’s okay…LuLu is great.”

“You named her LuLu?”

The saliva was building up in my mouth, my stomach was cramping, “Her name is Louisa Elizabeth…but we call her LuLu.”

“Oh…that’s a nice name.”

“Thanks.”

There was a small silence, then you hummed; “I’m sorry Valleri.”

“Don’t be sorry…because you either are or you aren’t, and I don’t really believe it or want to hear it.”

“I mean it, I swear.”

“Okay.”

“I stopped believing in you…that’s why I left. I couldn’t live there knowing you weren’t doing anything you loved. I couldn’t –wouldn’t- live there while you just gave up.”

“I didn’t give up, I had to pay bills, Roxy had to eat! I had to take care of my dad!” 

You were silent, but I knew you wanted to say something. You were always good for some kind of comeback. Some smartypants remark.

“I got tired of living that life.”

“You don’t think I was tired, too? Do you think I wanted to work at a fucking diner and burn my goddamn fingers off? I wanted to write, I wanted to do nothing but that, but I couldn’t! And—“ I had to stop myself, I couldn’t yell anymore, “Forget it, I don’t want to yell anymore. I don’t feel like going through this…I’m tired.”

“Valleri, I—“

I had to stop you, “You know what, though, Gerard? I never, ever stopped believing in you. I always knew that one day that you’d make something of your drawings, I knew that one day that you’d put out a comic. I never gave up on you, and I still haven’t. I wish you nothing but the best.”

“Even after everything?” Your voice was so slow, I had to strain to hear.

“Yes. Even after you practically solidified that I'd be stuck to you for life. Even after you left me broke! Even when you gave up on me, I never gave up on you. I have all the faith in the world that you’d be something great; no matter how shitty you treated me. I’ve always loved you, cared about you, and supported you. You just never stuck around to see where it’d lead.” 

I hung up after that, tears were threatening, and I don’t like talking to you while I cried. My stomach hurt, and I needed to lie down.

Here am I though, lying in my bed, listening to my kids sleep, I’m thinking of you.

In all honesty, I’m happy for you, Gerard, no matter what, as I told you. I love you, more than I should. I love you, and hope you’re happy. In a weird way, I’m glad you left; your leaving helped me write, and bring something out of myself. Really, thank you.

Even when you stopped believing in me, I never stopped believing in you.