Status: Never give up. You are enough.
No One Said It'd Be Easy.
Fifteen.
"How well do you REALLY know him?"
I don't know. How well do I know him? He doesn't talk about his past or his family. All I know is that you have a black step-dad, a little sister named Hannah, a twin brother: Austin, your mom, a dog named Dixie, and a cat named Bell. I think.
I don't know everything about you. But you know EVERYTHING about me. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
You've read some of this. You know my past and my present and what I want to do with my life. But, tell me, why don't I know much about you?
I know that your parents are divorced because your dad cheated, lied, and abused you and your brother and mom. But you see, you know everything about me. I think you know me better than I do. Especially now. Which scares the shit out of me because no one has ever tried to figure me out. Not even therapists or shrinks. I'm a lost cause. I'm half as good as it gets. And I had accepted that. Until you came along and you made an effort. And I think you're succeeding.
If I'm just "another girl" in your Parade of Girls, please just tell me now before any permanent damage is done. Because I'm falling hard and fast. And I don't like it. You say a lot of stuff that makes me feel better:
"i love you."
"you're beautiful."
"you don't need makeup."
etc.
But, words are just words until you mean what you say.
"I'm falling apart again. And I can't find a way to make immense. And I'm looking in both directions. But it's make-believe. It's all pretend."
---Shed Some Light. Shinedown.
When my brother went missing, I needed you. I needed to hear your voice. I needed you to tell me it was all okay. I understand that you fell asleep. I get that you were tired. But I NEEDED you. And you weren't there. I'm not mad. I understand. But now, I don't know anymore. I remember the way I fell from above. And I recall who I was. I remember what it felt like to be that person. And I don't want to be that person again. But I don't know if I'm going to have much of a choice. I've been thinking a lot about cutting. About what it felt like when that razor hit my skin and with just the slightest pressure, how it felt when it pierced my skin, leaving a nice, clean cut. Oh how I've wanted to cut. So. BADLY. But there's a problem. A promise. To the people I care about most. I can't break that.
But the thing is that I miss sitting in the corner of my closet. I miss sitting there deciding how many I would do: one, two, maybe just five. That's not that many. But I can't.
I know it sounds crazy.
What? She MISSES cutting!?!?!?
Yes.
I really do.
March 16, 2011.
Today, I broke at lunch. I was writing and I started crying. Like crying, crying. Like the way I've never cried in front of anyone before until today. I laid there with my head on the table, lying on my cheek, staring at the words on my paper, and cried. I sat still and didn't move. Hunter grabbed the pencil out of my hand and set it down. He pulled me in and held me until I calmed down. I'm sure I look really cute with mascara running down my face. Fun stuff.
So much has happened recently. Just two days ago, Bren was missing. And now, it's like it never even happened: like the last 48 hours don't matter. So I guess it doesn't matter that I held my mom while she bawled. It doesn't matter that Bren came home at 3:30 in the morning and it mainly doesn't matter that he tore us apart. Nope. No big deal. No kid should have to sit there calming their parents down. That's not fair.
But it's life, I suppose.
Then Alec brought something to my attention: how well do I know Hunter? So, that got me doubting him and us.
Keali heard me telling Hannah the situation between me and Alec in the lunch line and said, "Aw, poor Alec. What did you do this time?" WTF?! What is that supposed to mean.
But THANKS. As if I didn't already know that I couldn't do anything right. You had to reiterate that fact. So that really just pissed me off. Now, it makes me wonder what all Alec has said to her about me. Why are people such assholes? I just don't know. That shit just pisses me off. Why would you say that to someone, even if you were "just kidding"? It's not okay.
I don't know who to trust anymore. It feels like everyone is slipping away but I know it's actually me. There is so much that doesn't make sense and I'm afraid of the truth. I almost don't even want to know.
Oh, shit. Here I go again: cutting sounds good.
Maybe I will just snap this here pony tail.
Sad thing is that no one noticed that I was crying until Hunter grabbed me. Am I that invisible? Does anyone even pay attention to me anymore because I don't think they do. With the exception of Hunter and Hannah. So, I'm quite confused. I just want things normal again. But I've changed too much and I don't know who I am anymore. I used to smile all the time. I used to laugh and joke but it seems like the smiles are always faked and the laughs don't last. Every time something good happens, something bad evens it out, or makes it worse.
Yay life?
I don't know. How well do I know him? He doesn't talk about his past or his family. All I know is that you have a black step-dad, a little sister named Hannah, a twin brother: Austin, your mom, a dog named Dixie, and a cat named Bell. I think.
I don't know everything about you. But you know EVERYTHING about me. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
You've read some of this. You know my past and my present and what I want to do with my life. But, tell me, why don't I know much about you?
I know that your parents are divorced because your dad cheated, lied, and abused you and your brother and mom. But you see, you know everything about me. I think you know me better than I do. Especially now. Which scares the shit out of me because no one has ever tried to figure me out. Not even therapists or shrinks. I'm a lost cause. I'm half as good as it gets. And I had accepted that. Until you came along and you made an effort. And I think you're succeeding.
If I'm just "another girl" in your Parade of Girls, please just tell me now before any permanent damage is done. Because I'm falling hard and fast. And I don't like it. You say a lot of stuff that makes me feel better:
"i love you."
"you're beautiful."
"you don't need makeup."
etc.
But, words are just words until you mean what you say.
"I'm falling apart again. And I can't find a way to make immense. And I'm looking in both directions. But it's make-believe. It's all pretend."
---Shed Some Light. Shinedown.
When my brother went missing, I needed you. I needed to hear your voice. I needed you to tell me it was all okay. I understand that you fell asleep. I get that you were tired. But I NEEDED you. And you weren't there. I'm not mad. I understand. But now, I don't know anymore. I remember the way I fell from above. And I recall who I was. I remember what it felt like to be that person. And I don't want to be that person again. But I don't know if I'm going to have much of a choice. I've been thinking a lot about cutting. About what it felt like when that razor hit my skin and with just the slightest pressure, how it felt when it pierced my skin, leaving a nice, clean cut. Oh how I've wanted to cut. So. BADLY. But there's a problem. A promise. To the people I care about most. I can't break that.
But the thing is that I miss sitting in the corner of my closet. I miss sitting there deciding how many I would do: one, two, maybe just five. That's not that many. But I can't.
I know it sounds crazy.
What? She MISSES cutting!?!?!?
Yes.
I really do.
March 16, 2011.
Today, I broke at lunch. I was writing and I started crying. Like crying, crying. Like the way I've never cried in front of anyone before until today. I laid there with my head on the table, lying on my cheek, staring at the words on my paper, and cried. I sat still and didn't move. Hunter grabbed the pencil out of my hand and set it down. He pulled me in and held me until I calmed down. I'm sure I look really cute with mascara running down my face. Fun stuff.
So much has happened recently. Just two days ago, Bren was missing. And now, it's like it never even happened: like the last 48 hours don't matter. So I guess it doesn't matter that I held my mom while she bawled. It doesn't matter that Bren came home at 3:30 in the morning and it mainly doesn't matter that he tore us apart. Nope. No big deal. No kid should have to sit there calming their parents down. That's not fair.
But it's life, I suppose.
Then Alec brought something to my attention: how well do I know Hunter? So, that got me doubting him and us.
Keali heard me telling Hannah the situation between me and Alec in the lunch line and said, "Aw, poor Alec. What did you do this time?" WTF?! What is that supposed to mean.
But THANKS. As if I didn't already know that I couldn't do anything right. You had to reiterate that fact. So that really just pissed me off. Now, it makes me wonder what all Alec has said to her about me. Why are people such assholes? I just don't know. That shit just pisses me off. Why would you say that to someone, even if you were "just kidding"? It's not okay.
I don't know who to trust anymore. It feels like everyone is slipping away but I know it's actually me. There is so much that doesn't make sense and I'm afraid of the truth. I almost don't even want to know.
Oh, shit. Here I go again: cutting sounds good.
Maybe I will just snap this here pony tail.
Sad thing is that no one noticed that I was crying until Hunter grabbed me. Am I that invisible? Does anyone even pay attention to me anymore because I don't think they do. With the exception of Hunter and Hannah. So, I'm quite confused. I just want things normal again. But I've changed too much and I don't know who I am anymore. I used to smile all the time. I used to laugh and joke but it seems like the smiles are always faked and the laughs don't last. Every time something good happens, something bad evens it out, or makes it worse.
Yay life?