No One Said It'd Be Easy.

February 12, 2011
Dear Hunter,
I’m not sure if you can see this… but I really like you, like a lot. And I don’t think you know that. But you see, I know that she loves you so I won’t interfere but the thing is that you’re my best friend and I feel like I’m losing you and I really do not like it. I’m sorry.
I love the way I am around you. I am myself. I love how we can talk about everything and anything and we do not judge each other; even when you told me you and Justice wanted to have a baby, I stayed right by your side and said, “Whatever you decide, I support you 100%.” Even though that was a lie; in reality, I was heartbroken. I honestly hate the fact that you two are dating and that you think you will be dating for forever. It kills me. I hate how when you are with her, I don’t exist. In the morning before school, I see you two together and I know you see me too. The thing is that you are too busy kissing and hugging your girlfriend, I’m absolutely nothing. And that breaks my heart every time. I know I’ve never told you this before and that’s because I am so afraid of what you will say. Maybe you will tell me to move on or maybe you will tell me you’re sorry. Either way, I’m still afraid. I love the way I feel safe around you, and the way your hugs make me in the best mood. When I feel like crying, which is just about every day, just one hug from you fights away the tears. Thank you for that, even if you don’t realize it.
Did you know that you were the first person I told about me cutting? And for a while, you were the only person who knew. I’m not sure why I told you first because at the time, we barely knew each other, but I still secretly had a crush on you; I still do, it’s just not much of a secret. You know my secrets inside and out and you don’t think any less of me. When I was so angry and scared for my cousin at lunch, you offered to talk to her and tell her to stop hurting herself. I can’t even tell you how much that meant to me and how much it still means to me.
I have so many locked messages from you on my phone and I look at them every time I feel sad, which is 96% of the time. So thank you for that. But I’m just not sure if you really mean it. Four days ago you told me you loved me. But I don’t think you do. You love Justice and that’s why you’re still with her. I’ve heard things about how much of a player you are. You’re pretty clever huh? You love Justice and me apparently but also Caitlin McGee? You tell different people that you like them in hopes that they don’t know that you tell the same thing over and over to others. You told me you loved me because you knew for a fact I don’t hang out with Justice. But what you didn’t know is that I’m kind of close friends with someone who is close friends with Caitlin. Therefore, I know that you told her you liked her a week before you said the same to me. What’s funny is you’ve told me many times that you hate cheerleaders. So did you know that Caitlin was a cheerleader or did you just think she was hot? I’m not sure. I really do not want to believe that you are like this because then everything I know about you would be a lie. And I don’t think I could handle that. I really want to believe that you are as nice and sweet of a guy that you project yourself to be, but I’m just not sure there’s such a thing that exists.
We made a pact. We made a promise to one another to never cut again and if we felt like we would, we’d call each other and talk. What I want to know is why you told Toni and not me when you wanted to cut and that’s after you knew Toni and I were hanging out. Did you think she wasn’t going to tell me or something? I don’t really know. But that hurt really bad. And at that moment I wanted to cut. So. Badly. But I didn’t. For one, I was at a friend’s house and also I made a promise. I try to keep those when I make them. You said the same, but why doesn’t it seem like it? You confuse me oh so much. What’s really sad on my part is that I still turn to you. After knowing all I know, I still turn to you for a friend, to feel loved, for everything that’s true, I turn to you. Do you help me? Yes. But do you hurt me as well? Yes. It’s quite possible you don’t know that, but it’s also possible you know that you do. I want to believe I’m wrong.
You know, I’m sick and tired of typing text message after text message then deleting them over and over debating whether I should send it. It always turns out the same way, I never send it. I want so badly to tell you that you are killing me. We haven’t talked all day which is unusual for us. We usually text all the time, every day; we joke about how I don’t sleep well anymore and how I need you to come over and be my pillow. We talk about how we like each other we talk about just about everything. Will this end? I think it already beginning to. Does it hurt you as bad as it hurts me? I don’t think so. I’ve been played so many times and I don’t want you to be the most recent person. Every time, I just wonder if I am good enough; and every time I come to the conclusion that I am not.
You’ve helped me through so much lately so I can’t just leave and say good-bye that easy. But I think it’s different for you. Will you be able to walk away so easily? Will everything just end like that? Will we just stop talking suddenly and never look at each other, sit next to each other, or talk to each other at lunch ever again? Will I lose my best friend and his safe, warm, comforting hugs? I really hope not. I could not handle it. And here’s a secret: if that happens, I will cut without thinking twice about it. You cut because of me, so doesn’t that mean I have every right to cut because of you too? Now I have the urge to cut. But you know what, I won’t. I hope this feeling is just temporary. I don’t want to break a promise.
I told you I wanted to cut last night and it took twelve hours for you to reply. But first you had to tell Toni. Now she’s mad at me. Thanks. Here’s our conversation so far:
You: Hey
Me: *no response*
You: Hey listen we need to talk I’m sorry I didn’t answer you it’s because I was with justice at the time I’m so sorry 
Look at that. I am nothing when you’re with your girlfriend. Thank you. If I wasn’t feeling bad enough about myself, you put the topping on it right there.
Me: Thanks. Toni’s mad at me.
You: Are you ohkay meg please talk to me I’m worried
Me: Well don’t be.
You: Well tough botty I am :p
Me: Yeah well, I can take care of myself. I’ve been doing it for some time now. Kthanksbye.
You: No not thanks bye Megan please don’t do this :\ please!
Me: Do what? Shut myself out from the world? Sorry honey, it’s what I do. Bye.
You: No not with me you are going to talk to me we need to talk about things I do it with you. You need to do it with me please.

The next day I saw you at school, you hugged me for five minutes straight. My arms were just crossed at my chest. I didn’t hold you back because I was crying and I couldn’t bare to look at you. You started to kiss my neck; soft, warm pecks. I could feel the stubbles of your shaved facial hair on the top of my shoulder. You moved your hands around my back and pulled me in even tighter than before. I could feel your breaths on me which made me cry even harder. I’m not cute when I cry so I attempted to cover my face but it didn’t work very well. Thank you for being there. But by being there you just confused me even more. Which is why I can’t do this anymore; and for the first time, I mean it.
GOD. You and Justice had sex. And worst part is you didn’t even use a condom. WOW. This is ridiculous. I can’t do it anymore. You hurt me so bad and you can’t even see how you betray me most of the time. You know what? Sorry doesn’t even cut it anymore. The damage you do is done and engraved in me already. There is no changing it now. It’s too late. Thank you and goodbye.

You know what’s extremely pathetic? I am writing this letter that I know you will never read. And I am crying too.

I REALLY like you; it’s ridiculous.
Love,
Megan.