Status: Never give up. You are enough.
No One Said It'd Be Easy.
Twenty One.
I hate the way you talk to me. Like I'm four years old. I hate the way you judge my every move. Like I can't do anything right. I hate what you have become and I hate who you have made me even more. I feel so far away from myself more than ever before. This isn't like those other times when we would fight through the hurt. No, because I cry and cry and cry and cry all the time. And it's because of you. I'm tired of trying to impress you because you don't care about anyone but yourself and you're always the center of attention. I hate how you make everything up to me. And I hate how you are so far from Earth while the rest of us are suffering. And why? Because of you.
You told her she's fat. Twice. I don't know what was going on through your mind when you said that but it's not okay and when I heard this, I wanted to punch you square in your boob. You know how insecure she already is about her weight. Maybe you did say "just kidding" but does that make it okay? NO. Not even a little bit. It's slightly comforting knowing it's not just me you're terrible but on another note, you always say we're your "best friends" and lately all we've been to you is your servants. You're trying to blame this on me. We both know it's not my fault. You write me nasty notes because you know how fragile I am. You know I'm on the verge of breaking, just like the plate we broke in seventh grade. All the pieces shattered into your palm when you fell on it and now those shards of glass are stabbing me. And why? It's because of you.
You know I've been through a lot in my life. Maybe nothing has happened since the weed incident but that doesn't mean I'm fine. Pretending turns out to be what I'm good at. It turns out I'm the second biggest liar in school; the first one being you. So maybe you're right, maybe I am just like my dad in that sense. At least I lie to make people happy and try to convince myself that I'm happy. But you, you lie to hurt people around you.
We always talk about you, you, you. You ask what YOU should wear and what YOU should do about your latest crush. It's you you you all the time. So, why would you tell me it's always about me? You know I'm shamed of my life because it's empty (thanks Kelly Clarkson - that line from "Because of You" pretty much sums me up perfectly). Now I'm just waiting for you to break me for good. What's it going to take? Nothing. Why? Because I'm not going to let that happen. No really toots, it's not happening. Sorry to rain on your parade. I am strong and you are initially the weak one for trying to push me over the edge. I will stay strong and fight back even if that means loosing you. I don't want to be friends with someone that treats me and MY TRUE BEST FRIEND like crap. Just because you're so insecure about yourself doesn't mean we all need to be like you. And yes, I did just say that.
I don't care if you say sorry twelve billion times to me or her because the damage has already been done. I don't care if you didn't mean any of the things you said. I don't care if we are you "best friends". Frankly, I don't care about you. Who made me like this? You did.
Why are you trying to change me? I'm not your Barbie doll. You don't decide what I wear or who I talk to. I don't care if you don't like the people I hang out with. I don't care if you think they're "emo" because you don't know them and you have no idea what you're talking about. I don't care what you say about them because I would take a bullet for them in a heartbeat. They're not your friends. I don't have to be friends with everyone you're friends with. I know you don't care about my opinion so why should I care about yours? Newsflash sweets, I don't. You know i like him. So tell me this, why do you flirt? Here's something you don't know: he knows. He knows it all. I tell him everything. Do you know who hugged me and wiped away my tears and told me everything was okay? It was them. My friends that you don't like. Look at that, they're real friends. He told me everything would be alright and for the first time in a long time, I started to believe it. So now I'm asking...no I'm telling you to stop. Stop everything. Stop acting like we are best friends. Stop pretending that everything is fine. Just stop. You told me you hurt too. Why doesn't it seem like it? You look fine to me. When you handed me that note, the one that hurt me the most, you were happy and giddy. After you gave it to me a little twinkle of hope sparked in me. Little naive me thought it was going to be an apology because you were so happy. But I was wrong. That note, only one page, that note broke me. Just in case you don't remember what it said, here it is:
Dear You,
Sometimes it can be about me. You don't always have to be the center of attention. I was fine until you stopped talking to me with no explanation. I'm tired of fighting. Now I'm wishing I hadn't written the first letter. I was trying to help but all you did was pretty much tell me to shut up and get out of your life. This is not the way best friends are supposed to act. This is stupid. I think I preferred the silence. It has gotten way out of hand. I thought I was worried about you but you don't even care that I want to help. Plus, you aren't the only person who feels like crap in this situation. You're blaming me for everything and I don't even know what I did!
Love,
Me
You have major lady balls for saying "love" at the end of this letter. 1. It's always about you. Even this letter. "I was fine.." , "I was trying.." Blah blah blah. You you you. 2. If your tactics for trying to help is pushing me to talk and then getting mad when I don't and ignoring me, then you may want to double check those techniques because you helping made it worse. 3. I NEVER, NOT ONCE told you to shut up or get out my life. But bravo. You got really creative there. I don't know where you got that bullshit from but here's a reward. One point for creativity goes to you. 4. You're right, best friends don't act like this but according to you, we're not best friends anymore. But were we ever? 5. I liked the silence too. 6. You're right about this too. I don't care that you're trying to help because you kinda suck at this whole helping thing. You should just give up on that. Not like you care anyway. 7. Creativity award number two goes to you! This line just made me laugh. "You're not the only person who feels like crap in this situation!" Great job. 8. Three points and you're outta here. I didn't blame anything on you. I told you from the beginning that I wasn't mad at you but you couldn't let that go did you? Nope.
In this letter, you made everything real. There it was, staring me in the face front and center in black and white. Somehow, I don't know how, but you made me fall apart. You know what I did after I read it? I read it again and again and again and again. I read it so many times I could recite it back at you. Then I cried. And I read some more until the paper was wet with my own tears. I sat down in the far corner in the one side entrance and for forty-five minutes I cried. People walked in and out but of course nobody notices the girl crying in the corner.
I have a question: where did you get the idea of me telling you to shut up and get out of my life? I know that you are mean but I know I never said that. So enlighten me will you? Where did that come from? Is that what you want? Do you want to be out of my life? I'm not going to try to change your mind. Remember that wall we painted in my room? The wall that holds so many memories and inside jokes? When I got home, I stared at it for what felt like forever. Then I threw things at it. I'm not sure why. Maybe I wanted it to disappear, like if I stared at it long enough it would magically go away. Unfortunately that didn't happen. The wall is still there, plain as day. The only thing that is different in my room is the mess that lays around it. I need to clean that up by the way.
Why didn't you come find me after school? I'm pretty sure you knew I was still there. You saw my brother walk away in a different direction I did and you know he's my ride home. So did you just not care or was it something else?
I told you I wasn't mad in the first place. Why didn't you let that go? Why did you keep it coming? You made me feel like crap and I'm sure you knew that and yet you continued to pile all this on me. Was it worth it? Do you like seeing me broken down? Did it makes you feel superior? Maybe it brought you joy. I'm not quite sure. You told me best friends don't act like this so why do you continue to treat me like this? I just don't get it. All I want to know is why..
Now you're apologizing to me and saying you over-reacted. Well that's only apology number one. I'm still waiting for the rest that will add up to twelve billion. When you reach your goal, then maybe we will talk.
Here's the last question for you: if I started cutting, would you stop me? If I jumped off a bridge would you catch me? If I told you I was suicidal would you love me enough to stop me? Because I don't know if you could do any of these things.
Oh, and by the way, I'm keeping those pajamas you left at my house. And the necklace and shirt. Yeah, I'm keeping all of those things. Maybe you will miss them just like you will miss me.
Goodbye bitch. <3
You told her she's fat. Twice. I don't know what was going on through your mind when you said that but it's not okay and when I heard this, I wanted to punch you square in your boob. You know how insecure she already is about her weight. Maybe you did say "just kidding" but does that make it okay? NO. Not even a little bit. It's slightly comforting knowing it's not just me you're terrible but on another note, you always say we're your "best friends" and lately all we've been to you is your servants. You're trying to blame this on me. We both know it's not my fault. You write me nasty notes because you know how fragile I am. You know I'm on the verge of breaking, just like the plate we broke in seventh grade. All the pieces shattered into your palm when you fell on it and now those shards of glass are stabbing me. And why? It's because of you.
You know I've been through a lot in my life. Maybe nothing has happened since the weed incident but that doesn't mean I'm fine. Pretending turns out to be what I'm good at. It turns out I'm the second biggest liar in school; the first one being you. So maybe you're right, maybe I am just like my dad in that sense. At least I lie to make people happy and try to convince myself that I'm happy. But you, you lie to hurt people around you.
We always talk about you, you, you. You ask what YOU should wear and what YOU should do about your latest crush. It's you you you all the time. So, why would you tell me it's always about me? You know I'm shamed of my life because it's empty (thanks Kelly Clarkson - that line from "Because of You" pretty much sums me up perfectly). Now I'm just waiting for you to break me for good. What's it going to take? Nothing. Why? Because I'm not going to let that happen. No really toots, it's not happening. Sorry to rain on your parade. I am strong and you are initially the weak one for trying to push me over the edge. I will stay strong and fight back even if that means loosing you. I don't want to be friends with someone that treats me and MY TRUE BEST FRIEND like crap. Just because you're so insecure about yourself doesn't mean we all need to be like you. And yes, I did just say that.
I don't care if you say sorry twelve billion times to me or her because the damage has already been done. I don't care if you didn't mean any of the things you said. I don't care if we are you "best friends". Frankly, I don't care about you. Who made me like this? You did.
Why are you trying to change me? I'm not your Barbie doll. You don't decide what I wear or who I talk to. I don't care if you don't like the people I hang out with. I don't care if you think they're "emo" because you don't know them and you have no idea what you're talking about. I don't care what you say about them because I would take a bullet for them in a heartbeat. They're not your friends. I don't have to be friends with everyone you're friends with. I know you don't care about my opinion so why should I care about yours? Newsflash sweets, I don't. You know i like him. So tell me this, why do you flirt? Here's something you don't know: he knows. He knows it all. I tell him everything. Do you know who hugged me and wiped away my tears and told me everything was okay? It was them. My friends that you don't like. Look at that, they're real friends. He told me everything would be alright and for the first time in a long time, I started to believe it. So now I'm asking...no I'm telling you to stop. Stop everything. Stop acting like we are best friends. Stop pretending that everything is fine. Just stop. You told me you hurt too. Why doesn't it seem like it? You look fine to me. When you handed me that note, the one that hurt me the most, you were happy and giddy. After you gave it to me a little twinkle of hope sparked in me. Little naive me thought it was going to be an apology because you were so happy. But I was wrong. That note, only one page, that note broke me. Just in case you don't remember what it said, here it is:
Dear You,
Sometimes it can be about me. You don't always have to be the center of attention. I was fine until you stopped talking to me with no explanation. I'm tired of fighting. Now I'm wishing I hadn't written the first letter. I was trying to help but all you did was pretty much tell me to shut up and get out of your life. This is not the way best friends are supposed to act. This is stupid. I think I preferred the silence. It has gotten way out of hand. I thought I was worried about you but you don't even care that I want to help. Plus, you aren't the only person who feels like crap in this situation. You're blaming me for everything and I don't even know what I did!
Love,
Me
You have major lady balls for saying "love" at the end of this letter. 1. It's always about you. Even this letter. "I was fine.." , "I was trying.." Blah blah blah. You you you. 2. If your tactics for trying to help is pushing me to talk and then getting mad when I don't and ignoring me, then you may want to double check those techniques because you helping made it worse. 3. I NEVER, NOT ONCE told you to shut up or get out my life. But bravo. You got really creative there. I don't know where you got that bullshit from but here's a reward. One point for creativity goes to you. 4. You're right, best friends don't act like this but according to you, we're not best friends anymore. But were we ever? 5. I liked the silence too. 6. You're right about this too. I don't care that you're trying to help because you kinda suck at this whole helping thing. You should just give up on that. Not like you care anyway. 7. Creativity award number two goes to you! This line just made me laugh. "You're not the only person who feels like crap in this situation!" Great job. 8. Three points and you're outta here. I didn't blame anything on you. I told you from the beginning that I wasn't mad at you but you couldn't let that go did you? Nope.
In this letter, you made everything real. There it was, staring me in the face front and center in black and white. Somehow, I don't know how, but you made me fall apart. You know what I did after I read it? I read it again and again and again and again. I read it so many times I could recite it back at you. Then I cried. And I read some more until the paper was wet with my own tears. I sat down in the far corner in the one side entrance and for forty-five minutes I cried. People walked in and out but of course nobody notices the girl crying in the corner.
I have a question: where did you get the idea of me telling you to shut up and get out of my life? I know that you are mean but I know I never said that. So enlighten me will you? Where did that come from? Is that what you want? Do you want to be out of my life? I'm not going to try to change your mind. Remember that wall we painted in my room? The wall that holds so many memories and inside jokes? When I got home, I stared at it for what felt like forever. Then I threw things at it. I'm not sure why. Maybe I wanted it to disappear, like if I stared at it long enough it would magically go away. Unfortunately that didn't happen. The wall is still there, plain as day. The only thing that is different in my room is the mess that lays around it. I need to clean that up by the way.
Why didn't you come find me after school? I'm pretty sure you knew I was still there. You saw my brother walk away in a different direction I did and you know he's my ride home. So did you just not care or was it something else?
I told you I wasn't mad in the first place. Why didn't you let that go? Why did you keep it coming? You made me feel like crap and I'm sure you knew that and yet you continued to pile all this on me. Was it worth it? Do you like seeing me broken down? Did it makes you feel superior? Maybe it brought you joy. I'm not quite sure. You told me best friends don't act like this so why do you continue to treat me like this? I just don't get it. All I want to know is why..
Now you're apologizing to me and saying you over-reacted. Well that's only apology number one. I'm still waiting for the rest that will add up to twelve billion. When you reach your goal, then maybe we will talk.
Here's the last question for you: if I started cutting, would you stop me? If I jumped off a bridge would you catch me? If I told you I was suicidal would you love me enough to stop me? Because I don't know if you could do any of these things.
Oh, and by the way, I'm keeping those pajamas you left at my house. And the necklace and shirt. Yeah, I'm keeping all of those things. Maybe you will miss them just like you will miss me.
Goodbye bitch. <3