Make Me Wanna Die

I guess I’ll just update this once a week or so, I don’t know. Whenever I feel like it. I talked to my social worker Wednesday. (Today is Friday). Since then I’ve been in a pretty bad mood. My grandparents were in the room. I was going to ask about living with my mom, as I’ve mentioned before. But honestly, I didn’t want my grandparents to be pissed at me if it doesn’t work, so I didn’t want mention anything with them in the room. My social worker just kind of asked how everything was going with me and my father. I told her the truth. That I can’t even think about him without getting extremely angry and shaking. My grandmother kept talking about how it’s hurting her. My grandfather was always pretty quiet. Well, not in this session. He went on and on about how all of this is my fault. He said he was extremely pissed that I’m hurting my father by not living with him. Eventually my grandmother started crying and he glared at me, and started raising his voice, “See what you’re doing to her! You’re hurting her! You like that don’t you!?” At this point I was crying my eyes out. I don’t cry much anymore. My social worker just sat there and let him tell me all of this. Then she told him that I wasn’t mature enough to realize everything that my father has done for me, and instead I’m harping on what he’s done recently. I get that he has been there for me, but it’s so hard to just overlook what he’s done in the last three years. Honestly, I don’t want to. I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want anything to do with him. If he wants me dead, then I can just act like I’m dead to him. I won’t speak to him, it’ll be like I don’t exist. I get what they feel though. Maybe it is my fault. If I wasn’t gay then none of this would have happened. If I had just not come out until later. If I had just been a better kid. If I had not talked back when I was younger. If I had been the perfect kid. I know I shouldn’t but it’s so hard not to blame myself. Well, I have nothing else to harp about so I’ll get back to class.