Make Me Wanna Die

I haven't felt like writing since last Friday. Honestly, I don't feel like writing right now, but why not? They upped my dosage of Prozac. Doubled it, actually. So I'm twice as doped up on meds. I cut a week or so ago. Not too deep, but just to do it. I was shaving and I slipped and cut my leg. Once I saw the blood, I couldn't stop. I cut twice on my thigh with my razor. Since then, I haven't cut at all. The Prozac is helping, I think, but a big side affect is the fact that while I can't feel pain, I can't feel anything else. I have to listen to extremely depressing songs just to feel anything. That's one of the reasons I cut the other day. Just to feel. Which is ironic because before, I cut to stop feeling. But I don't care about anything anymore. I pretty much just sleep all the time. I was told by my therapist that I can't be in bed until 9 PM now because I was getting like 14 hours of sleep a day, which really is ridiculous. I'm tired all the time. I hate it. I still haven't done my makeup work. I have 'F's in most of my classes, but I don't care anymore. Remember before? When I said I was going to be a bad kid? Well, I'm planning on carrying out my plan. I have a girlfriend, but it's long distance because there are no lesbian/bisexual chicks even close to worth dating here. I asked her out Friday of last week, today is Monday. Honestly, I don't know why I asked her out. Probably because she can make me feel... It's all I'm searching for. I need to feel. I need to have emotions. I feel like a zombie. I have to put on a facade every morning just to make it through the day. Recently I've been sick. I've had a fever off and on for almost a week. Today was my first day back at school. Right now I'm in Japanese class, actually. Oh, my grandparents know about my grades. They got my D/F slips that they send home at midpoint. They've been pressuring me to do my work, and i just say "I'm doing it now" and play a game or something. I went to my awesome grandmothers this weekend (the one I'd be living with if she had the money). She has this bird that I fell in love with. The bird loves me, too. My grandmother said the bird hasn't ever liked anyone that much and offered to let me have it. I was so excited, and I got my mother to call the grandparents I'm living with to ask if I can have it. After an hour of waiting, I was told that no, I'm not allowed to have it. I was so pissed. This bird could make me giggle and be happy. I haven't had that in so long. I'm going to talk to my therapist and see if he can convince them. They said it was too much responsibility. Okay, because I'm NOT the kid that watched ten kids for like three hours in a hotel without any of them getting hurt. It really bothers me that they would say that. Ugh. I'm going to go to class now. Talk to you guys later.