Lessons Learned

I hate this…

The tension in the car is so heavy I swear it's thick enough to suffocate me. Peeking at Vias from the corner of my eye I can see that while his posture is relaxed, his knuckles are white from gripping the steering wheel so tightly. I know I'm being idiotic, resisting his attempts like a mule to learn more about me. But I don't want him to know my past. Or about who hurt me.

Despite how much I may despise my mother and her string of physically abusive boyfriends, as stupid as it may sound…. She's still my mother.

As we we approach a yellow light I can feel the car speeding up as he presses down on the accelerator. Digging my nails into my palm I uneasily scan the intersection since Vias's vision is currently being affected by his anger.

"Vias could you slow down a tad?"

When he ignore me I add a little more forcefully, "Y'know 'cause the light's kind of red!"

As if realizing the potential danger of what he was about to do he slams on the brakes. Tires squeal and I clench my teeth, trying to prepare for the worst. But the only sound is that of the driving who had the right-of-way's horn blaring as we narrowly avoid a nose collision. Opening my eyes I breath a sigh of relief. Looking over at Vias I see that his face is stunned at the too close of a call we'd just had.

Out of habit I reach over to touch his hand but when my skin connects with his he jerks away. I can tell he's agitated but it still hurts when he says warningly, "Don't Parker."

The tension morphs into a chill that strikes me at the core and retracting my hand I let it drop to rest on my lap. I bite my lip as I fiddle with my necklace and try to swallow the words that threaten to come flying out at any given moment. They fight against me, the urge to be heard so great it's almost enough to make me break. But I know I won't. For I want the memories Vias has of me to be only of the good.

"Fine then, I won't."

Undoing my seat belt I swing the door open. I may not know much about Vias- aside from what the rumors and whatnot have spread through the grapevine- but I'm not stupid enough to not realize when a temporary space separation is needed. Besides, false pleasantries are meant for strangers, not lovers.

He doesn't ask me what I think I'm doing, or where I'm going. A simple flick of the eyes to me then back to the road is his only reaction. Shutting the door without a word I jog to the safety of the sidewalk. The light turns green and for a second I think that he's going to pull over to the side and tell me to get back in. But he doesn't.

Instead he drives down on the street until he's out of sight. With no place to go I let my feet carry me to wherever they feel like going. Hands in pockets I think over what I'm going to do about this situation. Originally Vias had just meant to be someone that I was going to play with until graduation. I never thought he'd be the one who'd come to my rescue.

Why had it been him who'd saved me?

Out of everyone I knew, he was the one I'd know the least amount of time. Yet somehow he'd come to care for me more than any of my 'friends'.

"What a joke…"

Looking up at the building that I've found myself in front of I'm not surprised to find that I'm at the aquarium. Before whenever my mom had come home with a lover and wanted some alone time I'd spend my time here. It's got a good number of years on it, the technology's slightly outdated and the aquatic lifeforms aren't really all that diverse. But as I wander about the tunnels I'm reminded why this place is my sanctuary.

It's quiet here. Kind of what I imagine what it would be like to live in the water- not that I would really know since I've never learned to swim but that's besides the point.

Sitting on one of the benches, I lean back on my hands and look up as a school of fish swim a dance that seems too rehearsed for it not to have been choreographed. Today though, instead of being able to submerse myself in the relaxing atmosphere, I find his words echoing in the back of my mind.

Damnit Parker why won't you tell me? Is it that you don't trust me? Why do you protect that fuck head who hurt you?

When he thinks I'm not listening or nearby he calls his faceless friends, asking for advice. I can tell he's getting pissed at me seems like I'm good at doing that. But the thought of my mom wasting away in jail upsets me more than having her coming home whenever suits her fancy. Don't ask me why it does, but she's the only one who's ever bothered coming back.

Dad disappeared without a trace or a word. Grandparents are all dead. If I had aunts or uncles I wouldn't know as neither of my parents liked to talk about the past.

Pulling my legs up to my chest I rest my chin on my arms and stare up at the lives trapped within glass walls that they don't even realize are there. Is it possible for someone to be captured without them knowing it?

Is that what Vias is doing to me?

… I him?

Closing my eyes I acknowledge that should he decide to jump this sinking ship I wouldn't try to stop him. In fact it would probably be for the best in the end…

It's getting so hard to hide this possessive side of me that makes me so ugly. The urge to make him see, think and hear only me is disturbing. But I've never had something so close in my grasp and now that I do, I don't want to let him go.

Except I know it's going to happen. The relationship we share has no foundation, and it's only a matter of time before this house of cards come falling down.

I feel like crying but I tell myself not to.

After all, big boys don't cry.