Picking up the Pieces
Chapter eight
I winced and stared at Frank, “I… I can’t… Goodbye? You mean I won’t see him again?”
“Gerard you destroyed him so did you expect things to just be the same?” Frank came over to me then and sat on the bed beside me, “it is the only way I can protect him and to get him back,” he looked at me and for a moment he appeared sad. The moment passed though and anger took over his features, “if it was up to me you would not even have the chance to say goodbye!”
“But I just can’t…,” my voice faded as I tried and failed to word an argument. Of course in the end I did believe that Frank was right but I couldn’t imagine being cut off from my brother. Frank may as well have asked me to stop breathing because what he was asking was just as impossible. After everything I was doing, everything I was putting myself through was it to be that I was losing Mikey after all, “but… but… I am trying Frank…,” again my voice faded and instead I raised my eyes to meet his and pleaded with them.
His features softened slightly but his tone of voice remained hard, “I know you are Gerard but you are making no progress, you said so yourself. I need my boyfriend now and can’t wait for you,” he stood and walked back to the desk, “truth is that you might never get over this and then where would I be? Where would Mikey be?”
“I…”
“I am not asking you to do this Gerard I am telling you what you are going to do,” Frank shrugged at me, “it is the last thing I will ever ask of you.”
I felt my lip quivering as the tears threatened but I did not want to cry on Frank. He had enough to cope with without me adding to it. Without me, I shuddered as I realised that is what he wanted. He wanted me out of his life and out of Mikey’s. His reasons were understandable but did he realise what he was asking of me? “this would be forever?” I asked in a small voice.
Again he shrugged, “if I have my way then it will be.”
“I… I…,” I felt like I was suffocating, there was no other way to describe how I felt. Frank was killing me but he had justified reasons for dong so, “there is no other way?”
“Can you think of any?” Frank barked at me and I flinched at sharpness of his question. I thought for a moment but came up with nothing so I shook my head with a sigh, “neither can I Gerard. So, now you accept that we should go ahead with it as soon as possible before you try to weasel out of this. I shall bring him in later, OK?”
“Today?” this just kept on getting worse and worse and the feeling of suffocating became one of drowning. My world was sliding out of view and I could do nothing about it, “Frank, please, not so soon… please…”
“We need to do this quickly and there is no time like the present. Do this for Mikey; remember it is all about Mikey and not you,” he walked to the door of my room, “nothing is about you as you don’t deserve the effort!” with that final shot he walked away and left me staring at the door in horrified silence.
I was losing my reason to be here and my reason for my struggle. I was losing it tonight. Frank was the one taking it all from me but I couldn’t hate him. I would do the same in his shoes.
Still, it felt like a slow death.
“Gerard you destroyed him so did you expect things to just be the same?” Frank came over to me then and sat on the bed beside me, “it is the only way I can protect him and to get him back,” he looked at me and for a moment he appeared sad. The moment passed though and anger took over his features, “if it was up to me you would not even have the chance to say goodbye!”
“But I just can’t…,” my voice faded as I tried and failed to word an argument. Of course in the end I did believe that Frank was right but I couldn’t imagine being cut off from my brother. Frank may as well have asked me to stop breathing because what he was asking was just as impossible. After everything I was doing, everything I was putting myself through was it to be that I was losing Mikey after all, “but… but… I am trying Frank…,” again my voice faded and instead I raised my eyes to meet his and pleaded with them.
His features softened slightly but his tone of voice remained hard, “I know you are Gerard but you are making no progress, you said so yourself. I need my boyfriend now and can’t wait for you,” he stood and walked back to the desk, “truth is that you might never get over this and then where would I be? Where would Mikey be?”
“I…”
“I am not asking you to do this Gerard I am telling you what you are going to do,” Frank shrugged at me, “it is the last thing I will ever ask of you.”
I felt my lip quivering as the tears threatened but I did not want to cry on Frank. He had enough to cope with without me adding to it. Without me, I shuddered as I realised that is what he wanted. He wanted me out of his life and out of Mikey’s. His reasons were understandable but did he realise what he was asking of me? “this would be forever?” I asked in a small voice.
Again he shrugged, “if I have my way then it will be.”
“I… I…,” I felt like I was suffocating, there was no other way to describe how I felt. Frank was killing me but he had justified reasons for dong so, “there is no other way?”
“Can you think of any?” Frank barked at me and I flinched at sharpness of his question. I thought for a moment but came up with nothing so I shook my head with a sigh, “neither can I Gerard. So, now you accept that we should go ahead with it as soon as possible before you try to weasel out of this. I shall bring him in later, OK?”
“Today?” this just kept on getting worse and worse and the feeling of suffocating became one of drowning. My world was sliding out of view and I could do nothing about it, “Frank, please, not so soon… please…”
“We need to do this quickly and there is no time like the present. Do this for Mikey; remember it is all about Mikey and not you,” he walked to the door of my room, “nothing is about you as you don’t deserve the effort!” with that final shot he walked away and left me staring at the door in horrified silence.
I was losing my reason to be here and my reason for my struggle. I was losing it tonight. Frank was the one taking it all from me but I couldn’t hate him. I would do the same in his shoes.
Still, it felt like a slow death.