Picking up the Pieces

Bob came through the door right then although he was looking in the direction he had just come in, “I swear to God that I just saw Frank,” he said in a disbelieving tone. I mean though, Frank who hated me coming to visit, it was unbelievable, right? However, when he turned to face me he knew it had really happened and that it hadn’t gone well, “Gee!” he ran to scoop me into his arms, “what has he said to you?”

“He… he said that… Bob!” I dissolved into tears and clung to him like a child clings to their teddy bear. I just couldn’t say what it was that Frank wanted me to do. Bob though was fantastic and he didn’t pressure me for an answer. Instead he said nothing but he just held me and rocked me slightly for the time it took me to calm down and talk to him. It took me about fifteen minutes to quieten my sobs and relax my grip, “Frank wants me to say goodbye to my brother,” I whispered in the end.

“What?” Bob stiffened up as he spoke, “he asked you to do that? Gee, you can’t cut yourself off from him; it is that after all that got him into this state!”

“Not quite,” I whimpered in his embrace, “I said that my feeling had changed.”

“You said you couldn’t look at him any more which is like saying goodbye. Gee, he didn’t want that separation and look what the result was! What the fuck is Frank thinking?”

“The right thing,” I said sadly, “Frank is protecting Mikey and to do that he is cutting me off. I would do the same in his shoes.”

“That doesn’t make it right my love,” Bob told me as he stroked my back in thought, “I just think this will do Mikey more harm than it will good. You two are just so co-dependent and you both need each other in some way which explains the regression thing in you both. You have interpreted the need in a whole other way which is what is worrying Frank but…,” his voice trailed off into a sigh, “I don’t know; it just doesn’t make sense to me. Speak to the doctor about it and see what he says.”

I shook my head, “there isn’t time because Frank is bringing Mikey in later tonight so that…”

“Jesus Christ!” Bob jumped up; releasing me from the security of his arms, and began pacing, “what’s the hurry? He can’t expect you to be fine with it and say goodbye a few hours later.”

“He doesn’t expect me to be fine with it and that is why he is coming tonight. I prefer it in a way because I have less time to think about what I am losing,” I put my head down and closed my eyes, “it is the right thing to do and I have to do this. I just don’t know how,” I sighed and curled slightly to set my head on my knees, “it just hurts so much!”

Bob returned to my side to pull me into a hug, “I wish I could take this pain for you,” he murmured into my hair, “I can’t though and I don’t know how to help.”

“When they… When… Well…. After… Stay with me?”

He rubbed at my back, “you didn’t need to ask my love, of course I will,” he kissed my forehead and then gathered me tightly against him, “as long as you want me to be with you.”

I cuddled into him gratefully; glad that he would be there. I knew I was going to need it after doing what I was about to do. I was like a convicted criminal waiting to die on Death Row. I held onto Bob and waited, just waited.