I Believe in Yesterday

Bailey's POV

I had missed the feeling of the floor vibrating beneath my feet. I had missed seeing the sweat drops fly off of Rian’s thrashing limbs through the lights illuminating the stage. I had missed seeing Zack stomp around and Jack yelling the lyrics back into the crowd as they played. I had missed Alex singing his heart out. The way he connected with the crowd as they sang his lyrics back at him and the way his eyes lit up as the crowd screamed his name. The combination made goose bumps crawl up my arms and I had a huge swelling of pride for the boys that I had grown to love and appreciate.

Even from my spot at stage right, I could see how much fun the boys were having. I loved seeing them so happy. No matter what was happening within the boys’ lives, going out on the stage changed everything. Zack tried to explain the sensation to me countless times. I couldn’t compare a feeling that I have had to what he tried so describe, but I don’t think I had ever been that weightless.

I enjoyed watching All Time Low play on stage and it made me happy to know I would get to see them every single night if I wanted. It being the first show, I tried absorbing every moment, but as my head bobbed lightly to the beat of Shameless, I couldn’t help but look past the three jumping bodies, to a different figure. Her silhouette was similar to mine with arms crossed and standing tensely.

I wondered what she was thinking. She wasn’t forced to be at the show; she was standing across from me, watching her ex-best friends voluntarily. Maybe she felt more comfortable than I thought she would have at her first All Time Low show in two years.

The last time she was at one, she had been dating the lead singer. I wondered what was happening with her now. I hadn’t heard anything about her. I didn’t even know what had happened to her over the past two years except that instead of dating Alex, she was dating one of his best friends and living Lutherville. I didn’t even know where she had run to the day of All Time Low’s first tour departure.

John said we were the talk of tour yet, I hadn’t heard anything about her. Did she know anything about me? Did she know I was still going to college? That I was double majoring in Art History and Political Science? Did she know I was still running? Did she know I had made up with our parents? Did she know I still spend my summers with Clara? Did she know I had given up on her? Moved on?

I studied Jade’s facial structure; it was all so unfamiliar. And that’s when I realized it. Jade wasn’t the only one who had fucked up.

Even though Jade might not have known everything, I didn’t know anything about her. I used to know everything about her. Not just what a facial expression meant, but really, everything. Everything. I knew when Jade was skipping Math class with Alex without telling me. I knew to hand her the box of cereal without her actually asking. I could answer her un-asked questions. With a blink of an eye, I knew approximately when she had woken up, if she would be falling asleep anytime soon and how many hours she would sleep.

The spring of our senior year at Dulaney was just a preview to what it was like now. I had thought not telling her about my fling with Zack and her getting into a brawl with a couple of bitches at school was bad. Now I probably couldn’t even recognize her if her back was turned to me in a crowd.

It was like she had changed. I had been around her for two days but I at least knew enough to see that something had changed. She wasn’t the Jade Bates that I had known two years ago, five years ago or even ten years ago. When Alex snapped at her or I gave her a cold glare, she hadn’t fought back: Not Jade Bates. If she wasn’t talked to, she didn’t try to force her presence on anyone: Not Jade Bates. Finally, Jade actually came back to me, facing the problem.

But then, maybe…was it me?

I didn’t ever try to go and get Jade back. Did that make me bad? At least she came back.

We still did have similarities, despite my bitterness at the moment. We both had our defined jaw line, smooth skin, heart shaped face and most importantly, our bright green eyes. Did all our similarities really add up? Did that really make up for the fact that I knew nothing about the girl my eyes were still fixed upon?

Jack’s figure jumped in my line of sight and pulled me out of my zoned out mind. He smiled goofily at me, lightening the mood I had settled in. When he walked back up to his mic, I could see my sister again, exposing our differences. Which was practically everything else.

Sam had said that if he hadn’t known we were twins, he wouldn’t have even thought we were distant cousins. Not only the differences we had two years ago when we were close, but now her light skin contrasted my California tinted skin and her hair was twice as long as mine.

I watched as Rian stood up from his drums and Jack lifted the guitar strap over his head and handed it to Danny after walking off the stage. I smacked myself in the head, thinking I had missed almost the entire concert lost in my own brooding. Unlike Jack, Zack kept his black bass on his back meaning that they would be going on again.

I craned my neck out to the front of the stage where Alex was standing alone in front of the sea of people. Instead of watching Alex and quietly singing the lyrics to Remembering Sunday like I usually would, my attention was on Jade.

I didn’t underestimate Jade. If this had been her first time hearing this song, which I doubted, or her three hundredth time listening to it, she knew it had some significance and application to her life.

Everyone had their own story for the song, but my friends and I knew the true one. As Alex sung through the song, I remembered him coming over in the morning, just like he did so many times on the weekends to have breakfast with Jade. Sometimes he didn’t have to come over because he had fallen asleep up in Jade’s room with her in his arms.

When he came back from All Time Low’s first tour, he came over quite frequently. I knew he couldn’t have wanted to see me that much; he was thinking maybe she would be back at home. He asked me, the neighbors or any other person that Jade might have had a connection of some sort with.

I didn’t know what many of Jade’s facial expressions meant anymore, and I couldn’t anticipate them either, but I could for sure tell that the little reflective water drop sliding down her cheek, was a tear.

The last lines of the song rang through the venue. There was always that moment after Remembering Sunday when Alex stopped singing and the guitar rang but the crowd was silent. It was only a split second of stillness when the entire crown was motionless and the room was tranquil. It was that moment that always hit me the hardest, because it’s that moment when Alex really does go home and forget about her.

The crowd erupted into a sonic boom of cheering as quickly as the tiny silence happened, and a smile spread on my face. The three other boys hopped back out on stage with energy to finish up their set and I looked back across at Jade. She looked a little less content and her body language didn’t show any enjoyment of show that she might have had before.

Had Jade realized she had messed up though? I just couldn’t tell. I knew I was some of the problem, but she ran. Yes, I didn’t try and find her, but it wasn’t like she rushed to me either. Her reserved actions and expressions could be mistaken for arrogance.

I’m sure if I was to maybe open my mouth and try talking to my sister, a lot of my insecurities wouldn’t be insecurities anymore. But honestly, I didn’t really want to hear her out yet.

I heard the crowd erupt even louder than it had been the entire night and Jack’s yodeling through the microphone as the boys said their farewells to the amazing crowd. Their bodies approached mine, hiding off to the side, and as soon as they were off stage, towels and waters were thrown to them.

They yelled about the show, smiles on their tired faces and I stood off to the side, waiting until their cheering stopped. Jack was the first one to come over to me, like always, to ask how I enjoyed “his” show.

“Hey BayBay, how’d I look out there?”

“Sexy as always, Jacky,” I teased, giving him a high five and a hip bump. “I think the real catch of the night was Rian though. I always have a great view of him.”

Rian caught sight of my wink and shined his bright smile at me. Alex had already stripped off his shirt and was using that as a towel to wipe off his face as he animatedly talked to a few of the wandering stage hands about a song.

We all started to slowly clear out of the way for the clean up crew, and made our way to the dressing room. As I trailed behind everyone as we walked down the hall to All Time Low’s room, Zack slowed his steps to fall back and walk by me.

I smiled a hello and he did the same back. “Good job tonight.”

“Thanks, Bails.” A slightly awkward silence settled between us, and I felt like I was the one to say something, since I hadn’t talked to him before the show, except to say good luck.

I watched my feet walk beneath me before speaking, “I want to apologize. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you earlier, Zack.”

Before saying anything, his arm looped around my shoulders and pulled my neck towards him, making my head press into his sweaty chest. I cringed, but smiled nonetheless; I couldn’t help it. “Don’t apologize, babe.” He kissed the top of my head. “I knew you were upset with some things and I just egged it on.”

I had learned with Zack, that when we got into arguments, like the one we had had earlier today, when we made up, we could apologize to each other for hours. Usually, we are both in the wrong and both end up feeling guilty, so we blabber about how we messed up. So instead of adding onto Zack’s apology with another sentence about how I shouldn’t have been so dramatic, I let that conversation end with that.

“I’ll meet you on the bus, alright? We’re going to shower,” Zack said, separating himself from me with the tiniest peck on the lips. I nodded and watched them walk away before turning to head back to the bus.

I didn’t get far before I heard Alex and Jack howl, “Party on All Time Low bus!!!!!”

“Fuck yeah!!”

I’m sure people could name a lot of things about me that had changed over the years. I’d believe almost all of the claims, but the one thing that hadn’t changed was I still wasn’t the biggest partier. I hadn’t been in high school, and even though I lived with probably some of the biggest party animals on the planet, I still wasn’t.

Luckily, or unluckily, Zack drank enough for the both of us.

I felt Zack’s fingers press into my hip as he walked next to me. Our sides bumped lightly once and while when we stepped from our closeness. One of Zack’s hands was stretched across my back and cupping my hip and the other held a pack of beer.

“Starting this tour off right, All Time Low style,” I joked, giggling quietly to myself. Leave it to Alex and Rian to elect us the people to go and get more beer. Not that I minded though. I knew the tour would pick up and become busier and busier, meaning Zack wouldn’t have as much time to spend with me. I knew it was part of the job and accepted it; we always found a way to work out our busy schedules.

It was the little times like this, him attempting to paint nail polish on my left hand when I couldn’t, me helping him help garden for his mom or walking to the liquor store a couple blocks away to pick up beer that meant the most.

The night sky was drowned out by all the lights in the city as well as the people still wandering around, cleaning up after the show and getting ready to move on to the next city. Listening close enough, the music and people from All Time Low’s bus could be heard as we walked towards it. The closer we got, the louder it became, making me wonder how many people could actually fit into that one bus. They were definitely taking advantage of having a tour bus and being the headliner.

When Zack and I left, the party wasn’t that big, and I was anxious to see who else had arrived. The bus was packed. It wasn’t too full where is was uncomfortable, but it was hard to maneuver through with all the bodies.

Over the music and chatter, I heard a familiar call. “Ay BayBay! Ay BayBay!” Jack ran over to me, his shirt missing, and picked me up. His words were a little slurred as he chatted. Shifting my weight onto the left side of his body, with his right hand he picked up his drink.

“Jack, put me down,” I demanded, pushing my self off of him. Grudgingly, Jack set me down, skillfully not spilling his drink, but kept an arm slung around my shoulder.

“Here you are, milady.” I looked to see a bottle of water for me. I smiled at Zack and took it gladly before ducking out of Jack’s arm and into Zack’s. “I think you owe me a dance.”

“I didn’t know I owed you anything, sir.”

“Well, you actually owe me a lot more,” he smirked and wiggled his eyebrows flirtatiously. I held back my laughter, and raised my eyebrow playfully. “But I’ll settle for a dance right now.”

He nuzzled his nose against mine lightly before pressing his lips firmly to mine. Beside us, Jack pretended to gag, shoving a finger in his mouth before walking away. I laughed at the disappearing Jack and led Zack to where there was more room for us to dance. Of course, we’d be the only one’s really dancing, but it didn’t matter.

Zack stopped to greet a couple people that recognized him and paused to give a hello to his friends. I didn’t recognize a lot of the faces, but I was familiar with one.

It was weird to hear her voice. I didn’t think it would have been really weird, but after not hearing it for two years and then a couple sentences here and there, her voice was unfamiliar.

It was probably because I still had yet to speak a word directly to her. I was still worked up about the whole situation; the fact that she deceived us and I felt betrayed and confused. No matter how much I tried to unscramble my emotions, I couldn’t muster up poise to speak to her.

I had decided my poison was silence. I was being a third grade girl and giving her the silent treatment. I was good at it too. I had done it my whole life, always being overshadowed by my sister in everything we did. I could do it again.

I also didn’t know what to say to Jade, even if I wanted to.

“Dance party on Jazz!” I saw a blur of Danny jump towards me and Rian from another angle. Zack was pushed out of the way and suddenly a bunch of drunken band boys were starting a dance party where I was standing.

Somehow, in the jumble, I felt Zack’s hand and he pulled me out of the group of wild boys. Tripping over someone’s feet, I lunged towards Zack and landed in his arms.

“Whoa, you alright?”

I smiled at him and he helped me stand up straight. “Perfect.”